Simplicity

“Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated."

 I never feel like Im doing enough for my children which seems like an absurdity since all that I do revolves around my children. Yet within me lies a lurking guilt that I haven’t done enough for them. I know this is not true.

I suppose it is the burden that comes from raising children solo.  It is also clearly the burden of my decision to not follow my ex husband to California and ultimately get divorced. 

I can't help but wonder where it truly stems from and yet the obvious answer is right in front of me. Im raising my children by myself which is something in a million years I would never have expected. This is not the picture that I had in mind and yet Im so grateful for all that I have and all that I am blessed with. I'm truly lucky.

However,  my decision to get divorced has left them without a full time father present. How can I not somehow guilty about that. I don't often but at times I can not help it. The price of my freedom does not come without some hardship.

 I would be living in a high rise in the downtown area of New York City or Boston, if I were only thinking of myself. Instead, Im living on green acres, with pets and neighbors, a well and a good school system. 
My parents gave me a strong foundation, enriched with comfort, beauty, support and love. Most importantly they gave me a sense of rootedness which has given me confidence and security. 
 I have always been determined to give the same to Christopher and Giavanna married or not married. I know that I have succeeded in this area.

I have always taken them to museums, shopping, broadway shows, excursions to Boston and New York City- trips to Florida and this year we are going to Italy. I have driven them miles and miles for all of their sports and cheer activities and have not missed more than one or two games over the course of time. I want to be present at everything and yet it is a challenge being in two places at the same time.

The traveling, the encouraging ,the support and the nurturing, they all come from me.

There is no one else to blame at the end of this journey of parenting  but me should the end result not be a success. 

It seems rather daunting and yet I see the fruit of my labor and delight in the evolving personalities and confidence that I observe in both of my children.

 I know that what I put into this effort can only have positive results. They can be idle once in awhile and I should let them be, instead of always trying to show them the world and teach them the lessons of life.

Perhaps it would be different if I were laid back and carefree, but I am not with parenting. I believe that you reap what you sow, in all aspects of life.

How simple their lives are now. How beautiful that they are content simply hanging out at home or enjoying their friendships and pets.

Perhaps I could take a lesson from them and just relax and enjoy what is. As I write this, I can’t help but think of the peace and joy that their home  and surroundings give them. Now that I have added a dog to the mix, it is that much better.

Can I give myself credit for creating a loving, warm and peaceful environment. I think it’s time that I start doing exactly that. We do the best we can as parents. The love we have for our children is like no other so I believe my concern is shared. We want them to have happy, fulfilling and peaceful lives. 

Things will unravel as they are destined to and it is in that unknown that the possibilities are endless. Im proud of children and of myself for taking on this enormous challenge. It's not easy but it is an experience that has profoundly changed me.

Today I will try to let go and simply let things be. It’s a practice that doesn’t come natural to me but I can’t think of a better time to start. xo

My Child and Yours

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” 

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

The following statement does not currently work in my favor but it is the absolute truth. I find that when my children are upset, it disrupts my entire sense of well-being.

Last night, as I heard the rustling of papers, the jumbling of items being tossed around- I had a bad feeling. I knew that in a few moments, the agita would set in and I would either join Christopher on his mission to find something or at the very least experience his frustration
I know that it is unrealistic to have happiness under my roof one hundred percent of the time.  However, I do aim for a calm and steadfast environment. I promote harmony and good will daily as it is my natural disposition. Im blessed in that my children are generally happy people.

I find it basically intolerable when my children are distressed about something even if it is what I consider to be a small issue. I take on their frustration and then we are all stressed out. Fortunately this is not a common occurrence but it happened last night. Christopher is a very well-organized and highly structured 13 year old. I don't have to remind him or ask him about any of his responsibilities as he is self motivated.

He had misplaced a paper that he needed for school and was getting annoyed. Over time I have become less involved in helping him find things or solve issues.  I believe that as a parent, it is my responsibility to teach my children how to deal with difficult moments. 

This was going to be one of them as I irritated him more with my line of questioning.

As a single parent I think I go to extra lengths to help maintain one hundred percent satisfaction all the time.
 It’s not realistic but someone how I think it is my way of making up to my children the fact that their father is not local.

It’s a big weight to carry however I have gotten better over time. I realize I can't make up for what he may be lacking. I can only provide the absolute best of myself. Last night, the best thing that I could do was to leave Christopher alone and let him solve his problem.He did and rather quickly. 

There are times when helping our children is a disservice to their growth. As nurturing Mothers, it can be hard to step aside but we must. What will transpire will bring you great satisfaction. You are teaching your child life skills that are far more important than learning dependency.

Kids can’t be happy one hundred percent of the time. We are all human complete with bad days, upsetting moments and such. It is important to experience and learn how to navigate through those moments when we are young.

I can’t give anymore than I do.
Im doing the best I possibly can raising them completely alone.  One day, when they are parents they will  understand the meaning and depth of my commitment to them. They will understand the challenges that I face and the love that I feel for them. 

They will understand why at times Im silent as they are frustrated.

 It is a practice which is strengthening their ability and confidence in themselves. One day they will comprehend all of my actions- this understanding only comes with being a parent. xo

Even in my town?

Some of my friends look at me when I tell them that I wait for my children at the bus stop.  I live on an extremely busy street around a bend and I in fact fear for my own safety every time I get the mail. The other issue is that I feel that we live in a world that is no longer the safest place for our children. One does not have to do anything but pick up the paper to find predators who lurk in the most beautiful of suburbs.

Yesterday I read about a man who was running around naked at 5:30 am on a lovely street in my quiet and affluent suburban town. He jumped out of the bushes and startled the newspaper carrier as he made inappropriate gestures and screamed profanities at her.

http://www.ctpost.com/policereports/article/Naked-man-startles-woman-delivering-newspapers-in-2181774.php

Charming- welcome to Pleasantville.
This behavior happens in every town and in every city. Predators exist in every level of society regardless of socioeconomic and racial background.

The Mom-Dad

Hold on to your hats my friends- I believe Irene is right over our heads here in Fairfield County.  As I furiously prepare meatballs, sauce, pizza, minestrone soup and coffee before the electricity goes out I find myself smiling.  Im so prepared for this storm in every imaginable way.  I have been prepared since Thursday morning at 11:00 am. This is the way I live my life as a single parent juggling two children as well as tending to the needs of my Mother who has multiple dwellings.

She is well thank God and capable but she is in her seventies and has had health struggles and sadness in the past five years.  With my father no longer alive, she has struggled with missing him and her life has clearly changed.  There are aspects of life that she has not ever had to deal with. The pool is one of them as she has never stepped inside the pool house. My father tended to all the outdoor "stuff" with vigor. Now I tend to some of it as this is my role at the moment.  Im here to help my Mother as I did my Father when he was alive.

It is my desire and my great pleasure to help my family with everything.  My parents have given not only love and opportunity to all of my siblings and I, they also gave us tremendous freedom to explore the world and all that was available to us.  In fact I often think of the summer that I spent three weeks in Italy with my brother Anthony. We were in High school and we wanted to go.  My father who always encouraged us to  travel around the world was beyond thrilled.  With enthusiasm he paid for our trip and we had freedom to go as we pleased.  My parents trusted our behavior and intellect and with that came freedom. My brother traveled on to Budapest while I opted to go back to Boston as I missed Hector. Oh Hector, really- I gave up Budapest for you so the luxurious tunics that you send me at no cost.. well I think I deserve them. Im just kidding- they are in fact luxurious but I do not deserve them and by the way- your wife is extraordinarily talented.http://www.vkfashion.com/en/collections/taj/  Im grateful that you and I still have such a great friendship xo.
Back to my point here- -

Baby Come Back

My children are back home and my life is back to normal. Amen Amen

I enjoyed the freedom of having my house to myself to write and to think without interruption. I enjoyed going out shopping or to New York with friends and not thinking about whether or not the sitter has to get home. I actually enjoyed being slightly messy which came as a surprise to me. Im a very orderly person and teach the importance of this to Christopher and Giavanna daily.  I guess I needed a break from being the role model for my children.  It was good while it lasted but Im thrilled that it is over.

The bond I have with my children is like no other.
Christopher's birthday was yesterday so his homecoming was even more meaningful to me.  He wanted to spend his birthday home with his family, this sentiment was clearly expressed more than once. My children had a nice visit with their father however  they were out of their element. This was the first time that they have been out to visit California without me.  We drove to the airport and met their dad at JFK, he flew them to California and then back again to New York.
I would not have it any other way.
Im grateful that I have a long-distance divorce. It is a gift from heaven as my ex husband and I see life through very different lenses. They could no be more opposite. This intensifies with time so our interaction is more often less than enjoyable. We are simply water and oil and the frustration that we have with our differences is alive and well.  Distance is a friend to us.

Ironically, my house is neater now that my children are home.
Interesting- I guess I was rebelling ever so slightly and one day- I didn't make my bed heaven forbid!

Don't tell them that as I have to preserve my orderly and uptight persona and this would not bode well for me. Actually, Christopher is naturally orderly, it's Giavanna who tends to fling things in many different directions. She is more creative if you will,  and we must celebrate the differences that make are children who they are.
I love them both the same.  I realized this week that they bring a depth to my life that can not be filled by anyone of anything else.  I enjoy nurturing them and tending to their every need, desire and complaint.  I like fixing their problems, teaching them how to peacefully navigate difficulty,  and I truly enjoy having a kitchen and house filled with their friends.  I have always been emphatic about the nurturing of people in our lives who we love.
They have learned from me the value and importance of great friends. They cherish each of them and can not wait to regroup.  No different from myself- friendship is one of the most important elements in my life.

My schedule is more rushed, I have more groceries to buy and more bickering to tend with but my heart is happy.  My soul is nourished when my children are home and content. I will gladly take the challenges, aggravation and difficulty of raising two children on my own. The love that I feel for them and they for me is like no other.
Take time to enjoy your children, time passes quickly and one day you will long for them as you sit in your quiet and orderly home.  If you don't appreciate them today- send them across the country for ten days and then get back to me.  Have a nice day xo

Last night

I woke up this morning in Giavanna's bed. While I find that extremely endearing - Im quite sure it is riddled with many layers of pychological meanning. She has my bedroom set that I used throughout my childhood and I loved it. My father used to read to me everynight and put me to sleep.  My mother of course maintained the furniture in  meticulous condition so when I gave it to Giavanna two years ago I was thrilled to have it in her room.

I had a wonderful day yesterday as I had two great friends over for lunch. We luxuriated in great cheeses, olives and other delightful appetizers. We were also enjoying mojitos- perhaps too much but what are good friends for if not to delight in the pleasures of life with. It was a very enjoyable day followed by a an even enjoyable evening.
I ended up falling asleep on my sofa and woke up at 2:00 am.

When I awoke I decided to go upstairs and I walked into my bedroom. I didn't want to get into my bed, I then walked into Christopher's room and looked at his bed-my cat Donatella was sleeping on his bed per usual.  I then proceeded to walk into my guest bedroom which is a peaceful oasis complete with brown zebra stripped bedding. It's an exotic yet extremely comfortable and calm room. I walked out and wasn't quite sure what I was looking for until I walked into Giavanna's room. Ah... that's what I want- my childhood bed. I quickly climbed into her bed and slept ever so peacefully. Im starring in my own Golilocks And The Three Bears story. Instead of porridge however, Im searching for the best bottle of Chardonnay.

As I reflect back on my choice for sleeping last night, I find it many things. First I think it is cute. Clearly I miss my children and the nighttime ritual that I have with Giavanna. We do pillow talk everynight and she likes to use my cell phone to text her father goodnight. It's fun and I love her enthusiasm. We giggle and talk about funny things as well as things that may bother her during the course of the day. Christopher and I have also have a serious chat prior to bedtime. We discuss the day and give thanks for all that we have.
Darn it- I miss those bunnies. Im happy to have this down time as Im extremely productive but the time that I spend with my children is irreplaceable.

I had plans tonight that I did not follow through with. I wanted to hop on a train and meet up with some friends in New York City but changed my mind and stayed home.  Time away from children is essential as it makes you appreciate all the goodness that permeates from their soul. While it is often challenging to tend to the constant demands of young people- the gift that they provide in return is the most valuable. It costs nothing and yet fills your soul with a contentment and peace that is irreplaceable.

Christopher and Giavanna- get back home. I miss your laughter which feeds my spirit and I love you with all of my heart and soul. xo

Day One- Home Alone

No Children Served
Day One

Im alone and Im loving it. I have not been alone in almost eleven years. I mean truly alone- without worrying about the well-being of my children. The only time this can happen is when they are with their Father as I know they are safe and loved up to my standard.  Babysitters are great but nothing can replace the love of a parent. My children are settled in California and on their way to see Serena Williams play tennis tonight at Stanford University. How wonderful for them and how wonderful for me.

My day started out with a slight headache as caused by a glass too much of the fine water. The excitement of being on with Mike over at WICC coupled with a bit of agita knowing that I would have to say goodbye to my children-was a bit much mentally  . My day ended happily with a few glasses of Planeta Chardannay and a and a date to Ciprianis next week with my best friend Paola. It was a very peaceful ending to a highly stressful day and I have many fun things to look forward to.

This morning as I luxuriated in my solitude I looked at my organizer and panicked. I had to meet the window guys at my Mother's new house at 8 am and it was 7:40 - yipes. I ran upstairs and threw on my jeans and took off. After that I stopped in to say hello to my hairdresser. I had no makeup on and messy hair, he didn't seem to mind and we chatted for a while. Then he told me to sit down and he started doing his magic on my hair. A half hour later, I looked like I was ready to go to a party. Thank you my friend for always making time for me on a whim and for my diet coke. You are a gentleman as well as a talented hairdresser.

My cell phone died which added to the solitude of the remainder of my day. I had my hair done, a 90 minute massage and a shopping spree complete with  a new white watch and the gold B Makowsky pocketbook that had captured my heart a few weeks ago. I feel peaceful and calm and rejuvenated- already.

 I certainly miss my children but Im not thinking about them. Im actually thinking about myself and how many ways I can indulge myself within reason during the next nine days. I thought I would take off somewhere - but honestly the solitude in my house right now is nothing short of Delicioso.

 I can concentrate and I don't have to cook and clean up messes. I can watch whatever I want and listen to classic rock and classical music. I have freedom and ease of life and it's all about me me me.. this is a first truly in eleven years.

As parents we give up our freedom in exchange for the most meaningful and marvelous connection that you can possibly have. The gift of children is one that I am forever grateful for. I have a boy and a girl- perfection to me. I  love them with my heart and soul and I would die for them. Im happy to give up my freedom to raise fine human being who are loving and intelligent and mindful of those around them. It takes all of your time and energy if you want to mold them in whichever manner that may be. I personally put education and manners first and then focus on culture, religion, spirituality appreciation, goodwill  and gratitude. I want them to be well-rounded and aware of the upset in the world around us. They need to  know that they are fortunate and they need to learn how to help others who are not so fortunate.  Christopher and Giavanna are aware that they are born into good fortune. They could be the same children born into a world of poverty and hunger. It's merely good luck. I believe this continual message will mold my children into compassionate adults. I see it already with Christopher's Racquet.

Christopher has already made a penpal with a young boy in a poor slum in Kenya. They have things in common. A love of tennis, bubblegum and a desire to learn about different cultures. I find it fantastic that my son is interested in others and wants to make them smile. He wants to be a doctor just like my father. My Giavanna loves animals and enjoys making people laugh and smile. She has a strong personality and I think she would make a fabulous lawyer. I spend as much time as I can with my children. I see my influence on them and for that I am grateful.

Okay- darn it- now I miss them. It's good for us to miss them. I know that they are the most important aspect of my life and they have that same knowledge. I love you my bunnies-  come home soon but not before I get a few more massages. xo

Tough Day

I have to let go this afternoon. I have to kiss my kids goodbye and put them on a plane with their father. They are going to California for nine days and Im happy for them. I know that they will be safe and happy but it is tough to let go of them after all these years. I have not spent more than three nights away from them - ever. I admit that this break is well-deserved. It is challenging to raise two children entirely alone with no real support system. I have sitters and friends that will help but the reality is that Im a single parent and I have sole custody of my two children and I thank God for that gift daily. No shuffling , no discussion about holidays and no back and forth on a weekly basis. We are all rooted and have successfully traversed the mines of the divorce battlefield.
This September I will be divorced for five years. It's amazing to me that I have been single much longer than I was married, no wonder Im so good at it.

 Im not sure that marriage is the right institution for me. I currently do not see any advantages to it other than a built in extra-hand. I have freedom to do as I please and to raise my children the manner in which I desire. My children have plenty of great, strong and intelligent male role models that are loving and kind so this is a positive aspect of our life. In no way am I suggesting that these men replace their father,  however I encourage each of my children to love and respect their father. I always speak highly of him and tell them the truth. He is a kind and successful, loving man but we were too different to succeed as a married couple.

 I don't have to explain much as our differences are glaringly obvious. My children are astute and they are also used to our situation. My ex moved to California when Christopher was five and Giavanna was barely three.  The life we have is the life that they  know and I thank God daily that they are doing wonderfully well. You truly do reap what you sow. I continually put my heart, soul and every energy I have into the well-being, success and happiness of my children. Im very proud of both of them for different reasons. My efforts have helped to create a stability and confidence within them and it's wonderful for me to observe.

I have already had my conversation with them about this trip to California. I made them promise me that they will call me twice a day. They must look out for each other- I emphasized the closeness of our family unit as a threesome and without me there- they must help each other. I suppose I like having control over the whereabouts of my kids. I don't take my eyes off of them so the thought of them on a plane or an amusement park without me is bothersome.

 I remind myself that I have to let go and trust that their father loves them as much as I do. While I know this, I also know that I watch my children like a hawk and that attention to every detail brings me comfort." Let go Michelle-it's time". These are the words that echo in my mind.
So, we have reached that point. It is time for me to step aside and let go.   My children are indeed old enough to travel with their father to California. They are old enough to shower alone and get dressed by themselves and make good decisions. Aside from the practical matters, the most important aspect to me is that they are mature enough to be away from home and that they are safe. They will be spending time with my ex husbands new wife. Yet another- extremely strange happening but we all have to adjust. We have to bend and twist and accept all of the challenges and transitions that life will surely provide to each and everyone of us.

Whether it is letting go of your children or your marriage or your parents- the time will come and you have to be able to do it. If you don't accept this- life will be a struggle and these events will be anxiety provoking as well as disturbing. Today, Im not without slight anxiety. While I will miss my children terribly- I know the importance of them taking this trip with their father. It is important for his relationship with them as well as mine. It will be good for them to step away from the comfort of our home. They will come back with a greater appreciation for their life and all that I do for them.

 I deserve some time alone. I am everyone's caretaker and I need a little mental clarity. I need to focus on my writing, my life and my friendships both old and new. I need to go into the city and take in all that has always inspired and delighted me. I need to get a massage and pamper myself and I need to indulge in my solitude. While nine days seems like a lifetime this morning- it won't be long before I put my servant outfit back on.... today- I will pass it on to someone else- with great pleasure.

If you see me alone- I might just need a hug however I have a feeling I will get used to this just as soon as Im out having cocktails with my girlfriends- perhaps- if they will indulge me- this evening. xo