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Saturday, September 5, 2015

Letting Go

"If you would have your son to walk honorably through the world, you must not attempt to clear the stones from his path, but teach him to walk firmly over them - not insist upon leading him by the hand, but let him learn to go alone."
~ Anne Bronte

I have been watching my friends send their kids off to college for years now.  We are at that stage now where it's time to let go and let our children off to explore the world. I am starting three years earlier by sending Christopher to boarding school. I have no doubt that this is the best decision we have arrived at, and that Taft is the place where he will thrive.
Last night however, the tears began to flow at around one am. I am still in discomfort from my surgery which tends to get worse in the evening. I spent the day helping my Mom since she was recently moved back  home after a fall. All of those things jumbled together took a toll on my spirit.
 It was a long day, I was hurting, tired and  my mind was going to places that I was trying to avoid. I kept thinking about Christopher and the fact that he was leaving this week and I started to cry.

I rarely cry, I know it's healing and cleansing and all of that, however the lack of control that I feel when those tears really flow and you feel it in your throat- that I don't like.  My friends and acquaintances have been telling me how much I will miss my son.  "Oh I will be fine I quickly reply. I say the same thing over and over. " I am so excited for him, it is the right place for him and he is going to love it there, it's only forty minutes away- we will see him often."   My reply is indeed the truth, I just leave out the rest of what I feel because I have not been allowing myself to think about it until last night.

As the tears flowed so effortlessly I thought of so many things- first off- the thought of not having my friendly and loving son here daily. His intellect and kindness has always added such life to our house.  His friends will miss him, Giavanna will and certainly Achilles and Donatella. She sleeps in his room and he plays with Achilles in a brother like fashion that Giavanna nor I can emulate.

 I thought of his empty room and not seeing him in my office reading and teaching me some theory that made absolute no sense to me.

Was I crying about Christopher, the pain I was feeling, the sadness I feel as I see my Mother struggling with the aging process. I don't know what caused all of this but I decided to walk around and realized a light was on in Christopher's room. I smiled and asked him what he was doing up so late.
He and I are very similar in many ways. He told me he does his best thinking at night, and then began to tell me about how he was excited and apprehensive and curious about what the experience would hold for him.
No reservations, just a combination of excitement and all the things we think and feel as we are about to embark on a new adventure. I hid my tears and laid down next to him. We talked for fifteen minutes and it was so nice. I truly am excited for him.

I went back to bed and those darn tears would not stop. I let them flow and allowed myself to acknowledge that I should be emotional. I have raised this boy as a single parent and I am now launching him to one of the best prep schools in the country.  I am proud of myself, I am proud of him.
We will feel the change, all of us-including the animals of the house and we will in fact be okay. We have no choice. And so it goes, it finally hit me. My son is moving on to a new adventure and I am happy for him. I am his Mother and the love I feel for him is like no other. I feel good this morning and we will continue getting the final packing done.  It's hard, it's exciting and it's so many things that I can not express.  Onward to a new chapter. Parenting really is an amazing adventure. xo


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