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Saturday, September 5, 2015

Suburban Adventure: Letting Go

Suburban Adventure: Letting Go: "If you would have your son to walk honorably through the world, you must not attempt to clear the stones from his path, but teach hi...

Letting Go

"If you would have your son to walk honorably through the world, you must not attempt to clear the stones from his path, but teach him to walk firmly over them - not insist upon leading him by the hand, but let him learn to go alone."
~ Anne Bronte

I have been watching my friends send their kids off to college for years now.  We are at that stage now where it's time to let go and let our children off to explore the world. I am starting three years earlier by sending Christopher to boarding school. I have no doubt that this is the best decision we have arrived at, and that Taft is the place where he will thrive.
Last night however, the tears began to flow at around one am. I am still in discomfort from my surgery which tends to get worse in the evening. I spent the day helping my Mom since she was recently moved back  home after a fall. All of those things jumbled together took a toll on my spirit.
 It was a long day, I was hurting, tired and  my mind was going to places that I was trying to avoid. I kept thinking about Christopher and the fact that he was leaving this week and I started to cry.

I rarely cry, I know it's healing and cleansing and all of that, however the lack of control that I feel when those tears really flow and you feel it in your throat- that I don't like.  My friends and acquaintances have been telling me how much I will miss my son.  "Oh I will be fine I quickly reply. I say the same thing over and over. " I am so excited for him, it is the right place for him and he is going to love it there, it's only forty minutes away- we will see him often."   My reply is indeed the truth, I just leave out the rest of what I feel because I have not been allowing myself to think about it until last night.

As the tears flowed so effortlessly I thought of so many things- first off- the thought of not having my friendly and loving son here daily. His intellect and kindness has always added such life to our house.  His friends will miss him, Giavanna will and certainly Achilles and Donatella. She sleeps in his room and he plays with Achilles in a brother like fashion that Giavanna nor I can emulate.

 I thought of his empty room and not seeing him in my office reading and teaching me some theory that made absolute no sense to me.

Was I crying about Christopher, the pain I was feeling, the sadness I feel as I see my Mother struggling with the aging process. I don't know what caused all of this but I decided to walk around and realized a light was on in Christopher's room. I smiled and asked him what he was doing up so late.
He and I are very similar in many ways. He told me he does his best thinking at night, and then began to tell me about how he was excited and apprehensive and curious about what the experience would hold for him.
No reservations, just a combination of excitement and all the things we think and feel as we are about to embark on a new adventure. I hid my tears and laid down next to him. We talked for fifteen minutes and it was so nice. I truly am excited for him.

I went back to bed and those darn tears would not stop. I let them flow and allowed myself to acknowledge that I should be emotional. I have raised this boy as a single parent and I am now launching him to one of the best prep schools in the country.  I am proud of myself, I am proud of him.
We will feel the change, all of us-including the animals of the house and we will in fact be okay. We have no choice. And so it goes, it finally hit me. My son is moving on to a new adventure and I am happy for him. I am his Mother and the love I feel for him is like no other. I feel good this morning and we will continue getting the final packing done.  It's hard, it's exciting and it's so many things that I can not express.  Onward to a new chapter. Parenting really is an amazing adventure. xo


Saturday, August 22, 2015

Suburban Adventure: Still Smiling

Suburban Adventure: Still Smiling: This one hurts, this one is taking longer to heal and this one is pushing me a little bit harder. It's okay though- I can handle it, th...

Friday, August 21, 2015

Still Smiling

This one hurts, this one is taking longer to heal and this one is pushing me a little bit harder. It's okay though- I can handle it, the worst is over.

 I am on the mend and I have reduced my chance of getting breast and ovarian cancer by 90 percent. I am aware there are no guarantees, but I took control of a situation that was all mine.  I had no need for speculation or contemplation. If my test was positive, I would have two surgeries, period. I never required further input from anyone other than my doctors.

It's strange, with the two past surgeries I have had, I barely read about them as I knew I was in great hands and the surgeons would do what seemed medically appropriate given my positive Brca2 gene. It helped of course that my boyfriend and many of my family members are physicians. However, I didn't hem and haw I just scheduled the dates for surgery, happy I could get to Paris in between. After that I gave into faith, the universe, the doctors, the nurses, the entire system.

 I let go and never fixated on my surgery, other then setting the date, having a few visits to the surgeons, and of course making sure all my loves were cared for.
The obvious tasks of life including preparing my children for school was in fact done right after our trip in July. To be organized and have life in order ensures a lack of anxiety for my type A personality. Checklist was done, I was mentally and physically prepared from the beginning.

It is only now that I am truly learning looking into the exact techniques and aspects of the surgery that I had done. I am so glad I didn't look at it prior or I would have been truly nervous. I was not nervous at all at the time. I realize now all of the complications and challenges that could have occurred which again makes me grateful that I did not search the internet night and day about my procedures. Did I do it one or twice yes... more than that- definitely not. Most of what you will find along with informaton are all the horror stories and negative people who need a place to vent. Trust me, stay away from google if you need surgery.

I was at peace for both of my surgeries, and I felt so good about having the courage to take my life into my hands. Always knowing there would be risk involved as well as pain. I was strong enough to do it and I can't help but feel good about that.

I am on the mend, I am relieved, blessed and grateful to my friends, my family, my talented and amazing surgeons and to all who love me.  I am still in discomfort but I know that it will pass.

I am in awe of the caring and kindness that has been expressed to me, and I will never forget all of you who have helped along on this journey.

If you are ever having surgery, talk to me- I can help you prepare for it. I am confident that the approach that I had with both of mine hold the key to a quicker recovery, a lessening of anxiety and an overall peace.  A peaceful mind is the gift you can give your body, yourself and the people around you. 
Your healing time will be a journey that will remain with you,  but you will be okay and your life will resume to normalcy.
You have to do the work however to get your mind in that place. It's pretty amazing. xo

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Suburban Adventure: Divorce- The Gift that keeps on Giving

Suburban Adventure: Divorce- The Gift that keeps on Giving: "Divorce is the Gift that Keeps on Giving" - Michelle A. Bravo I say that to my family and  friends when the topic of divorce a...

Divorce- The Gift that keeps on Giving

"Divorce is the Gift that Keeps on Giving" - Michelle A. Bravo

I say that to my family and  friends when the topic of divorce arises.  Today,  as I walked into the courthouse to file paperwork, I reflected on the fact that my divorce in 2007 while stressful always remained peaceful.
 I was extremely happy with the outcome and most importantly that I would have sole custody of my children. This to me was the ultimate success in the outcome. My kids would not have to move around, spend half the week here and half the week living elsewhere. Holiday- never an issue as they were always with me.
The most important part of my life was not disrupted. I was able to give my kids security, predictability and comfort. I was lucky and they were as well.

Since our divorce, we have been back to court five or six times. The reasons never vary, they are always court orders regarding finance and healthcare coverage. Income changes, jobs change, healthcare coverage changes. It is all about finances, it always is.

Wait, hold on my friends,  didn't I already do all of this back in 2007. The paperwork, the financial affidavit, the motions.
That nerve racking day filled with anticipation and concern. Divorce was not supposed to happen when I think back to my childhood fantasy of marriage and children. However, it did happen and I was so happy and relieved when it was over.

I was proud of my ability to represent myself, to study the formulaic aspect of divorce law and to feel prepared enough to present my case to a judge, without any representation. I felt great that day because I was not afraid and I walked out with all in my favor.

It was not but a year later that our agreement had to motified, and then motified again, and again and again and one more time it will be motified at the end of this week. The courthouse and I are no longer strangers. I know my way around, I know the security people as I hand my pocketbook over and take my watch off prior to entering.

 I understand the court calendar and all the forms that need to be filled out. I am no longer in awe of the people that I hear in the hallways and office, the stories that alarm me, scare me and amuse me. It has all become a familiar place. There is no doubt in my mind that I should have been an attorney.

Im comfortable in that environment, there is an air of excitement and confidence that stirs in me as I walk up each step to enter the courthouse. Divorce never ends, you might think it will, that your case will be different, that all will settle into the past- perhaps you will start a brand new life and forget all about your previous marriage. It all sounds so simple and final. Get divorced if you are unhappy and move on.
You can in fact move on and be happy, just make sure you don't have the fantasy that your day in the courtroom is done. You may in fact have the fantasy of going back to school to become a lawyer. I have that vision everytime I walk up those steps. xo

Sunday, May 31, 2015