Simplicity

“Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated."

 I never feel like Im doing enough for my children which seems like an absurdity since all that I do revolves around my children. Yet within me lies a lurking guilt that I haven’t done enough for them. I know this is not true.

I suppose it is the burden that comes from raising children solo.  It is also clearly the burden of my decision to not follow my ex husband to California and ultimately get divorced. 

I can't help but wonder where it truly stems from and yet the obvious answer is right in front of me. Im raising my children by myself which is something in a million years I would never have expected. This is not the picture that I had in mind and yet Im so grateful for all that I have and all that I am blessed with. I'm truly lucky.

However,  my decision to get divorced has left them without a full time father present. How can I not somehow guilty about that. I don't often but at times I can not help it. The price of my freedom does not come without some hardship.

 I would be living in a high rise in the downtown area of New York City or Boston, if I were only thinking of myself. Instead, Im living on green acres, with pets and neighbors, a well and a good school system. 
My parents gave me a strong foundation, enriched with comfort, beauty, support and love. Most importantly they gave me a sense of rootedness which has given me confidence and security. 
 I have always been determined to give the same to Christopher and Giavanna married or not married. I know that I have succeeded in this area.

I have always taken them to museums, shopping, broadway shows, excursions to Boston and New York City- trips to Florida and this year we are going to Italy. I have driven them miles and miles for all of their sports and cheer activities and have not missed more than one or two games over the course of time. I want to be present at everything and yet it is a challenge being in two places at the same time.

The traveling, the encouraging ,the support and the nurturing, they all come from me.

There is no one else to blame at the end of this journey of parenting  but me should the end result not be a success. 

It seems rather daunting and yet I see the fruit of my labor and delight in the evolving personalities and confidence that I observe in both of my children.

 I know that what I put into this effort can only have positive results. They can be idle once in awhile and I should let them be, instead of always trying to show them the world and teach them the lessons of life.

Perhaps it would be different if I were laid back and carefree, but I am not with parenting. I believe that you reap what you sow, in all aspects of life.

How simple their lives are now. How beautiful that they are content simply hanging out at home or enjoying their friendships and pets.

Perhaps I could take a lesson from them and just relax and enjoy what is. As I write this, I can’t help but think of the peace and joy that their home  and surroundings give them. Now that I have added a dog to the mix, it is that much better.

Can I give myself credit for creating a loving, warm and peaceful environment. I think it’s time that I start doing exactly that. We do the best we can as parents. The love we have for our children is like no other so I believe my concern is shared. We want them to have happy, fulfilling and peaceful lives. 

Things will unravel as they are destined to and it is in that unknown that the possibilities are endless. Im proud of children and of myself for taking on this enormous challenge. It's not easy but it is an experience that has profoundly changed me.

Today I will try to let go and simply let things be. It’s a practice that doesn’t come natural to me but I can’t think of a better time to start. xo