I never feel like Im doing enough for my children which seems like an absurdity since all that I do revolves around my children. Yet within me lies a lurking guilt that I haven’t done enough for them. I know this is not true.
I suppose it is the burden that comes from raising children solo. It is also clearly the burden of my decision to not follow my ex husband to California and ultimately get divorced.
I can't help but wonder where it truly stems from and yet the obvious answer is right in front of me. Im raising my children by myself which is something in a million years I would never have expected. This is not the picture that I had in mind and yet Im so grateful for all that I have and all that I am blessed with. I'm truly lucky.
However, my decision to get divorced has left them without a full time father present. How can I not somehow guilty about that. I don't often but at times I can not help it. The price of my freedom does not come without some hardship.
I would be living in a high rise in the downtown area of New York City or Boston, if I were only thinking of myself. Instead, Im living on green acres, with pets and neighbors, a well and a good school system.
My parents gave me a strong foundation, enriched with comfort, beauty, support and love. Most importantly they gave me a sense of rootedness which has given me confidence and security.
I have always been determined to give the same to Christopher and Giavanna married or not married. I know that I have succeeded in this area.
I know that what I put into this effort can only have positive results. They can be idle once in awhile and I should let them be, instead of always trying to show them the world and teach them the lessons of life.