Thanks for Reading Suburban Adventure

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The New Wife

"One of the great things in the world is not so much to seek happiness as to earn peace and self respect."

I had the strangest dream last night that I can only attribute to the letter that my ex husband's current wife sent to all of us yesterday. I dreamt that I was getting married to a man that I wasn't quite sure that I actually even liked and to top that off, his ex-wife wanted to live with us. Apparently they were still great friends who liked each other.  It was a bad mixture of a dream and I was thrilled to wake up in my leopard sheets peaceful and relieved.

Yesterday we received a letter from the current wife of my ex-husband. Im not quite sure why in fact my name was on it - it was a thank you note for a gift that my children gave to them for Christmas. I suspect she was appreciative that I would actually pay for a gift for both of them, wrap it and sent it. It's the right thing to do in my situation, and this my friends is one of the enjoyable aspects of divorce and remarriage that your friends never tell you. Insert very large grin.

Sometimes you have to grin and bare it, other times you simply have to turn away and practically shove a scarf in your mouth so you don't say anything snide. Often times you have to do kind things that you perhaps do not feel like doing. It is a wonderful exercise in restraint and preservation of self.
I have always had the gift of not internalizing too much so it is much simpler for me to let go of things than it is for others.  Im also thankful for my good sense of humor as that helps me navigate many situations that could potentially be annoying.

I have the ease of a long distance ex spouse which most people do not have. This makes my world, the holidays, remarriage and just about everything that comes with divorce much simpler. I don't have the contentious conversations, the disagreement of how to raise the children or the worry that my children are not being cared for to my liking. All of that is not present and Im filled with gratitude for that.

However, when a spouse remarries it truly brings an entire host of potential issues that make the actual divorce process seem simple. That's the thing about divorce, I hate to say this but it's similar to the gift that keeps on giving except it's always the gift that you never wanted. So that's the challenge of divorce. It doesn't end with the divorce unless you are child-free. You will still have to deal with your former spouse. You will have to help your children buy them gifts and you have to foster a positive relationship for the sake of your children's mental well-being.

It is no longer just about you. If you lovingly brought children into this world, then you owe them the ability to love freely and in a healthful manner. You owe it to them to hold back when you feel like being critical of your ex. You owe it to them to help manifest loving relationships. It will be the ultimate challenge but with great practice it will get easier. How wonderful you will feel to be positive and how terrific for your children to see an example of what a truly mature and healthy person behaves like.  Your example will lead the way for their future relationships. Never forget that. xo

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