This September I will be divorced for five years. It's amazing to me that I have been single much longer than I was married, no wonder Im so good at it.
Im not sure that marriage is the right institution for me. I currently do not see any advantages to it other than a built in extra-hand. I have freedom to do as I please and to raise my children the manner in which I desire. My children have plenty of great, strong and intelligent male role models that are loving and kind so this is a positive aspect of our life. In no way am I suggesting that these men replace their father, however I encourage each of my children to love and respect their father. I always speak highly of him and tell them the truth. He is a kind and successful, loving man but we were too different to succeed as a married couple.
I don't have to explain much as our differences are glaringly obvious. My children are astute and they are also used to our situation. My ex moved to California when Christopher was five and Giavanna was barely three. The life we have is the life that they know and I thank God daily that they are doing wonderfully well. You truly do reap what you sow. I continually put my heart, soul and every energy I have into the well-being, success and happiness of my children. Im very proud of both of them for different reasons. My efforts have helped to create a stability and confidence within them and it's wonderful for me to observe.
I have already had my conversation with them about this trip to California. I made them promise me that they will call me twice a day. They must look out for each other- I emphasized the closeness of our family unit as a threesome and without me there- they must help each other. I suppose I like having control over the whereabouts of my kids. I don't take my eyes off of them so the thought of them on a plane or an amusement park without me is bothersome.
I remind myself that I have to let go and trust that their father loves them as much as I do. While I know this, I also know that I watch my children like a hawk and that attention to every detail brings me comfort." Let go Michelle-it's time". These are the words that echo in my mind.
So, we have reached that point. It is time for me to step aside and let go. My children are indeed old enough to travel with their father to California. They are old enough to shower alone and get dressed by themselves and make good decisions. Aside from the practical matters, the most important aspect to me is that they are mature enough to be away from home and that they are safe. They will be spending time with my ex husbands new wife. Yet another- extremely strange happening but we all have to adjust. We have to bend and twist and accept all of the challenges and transitions that life will surely provide to each and everyone of us.
Whether it is letting go of your children or your marriage or your parents- the time will come and you have to be able to do it. If you don't accept this- life will be a struggle and these events will be anxiety provoking as well as disturbing. Today, Im not without slight anxiety. While I will miss my children terribly- I know the importance of them taking this trip with their father. It is important for his relationship with them as well as mine. It will be good for them to step away from the comfort of our home. They will come back with a greater appreciation for their life and all that I do for them.
I deserve some time alone. I am everyone's caretaker and I need a little mental clarity. I need to focus on my writing, my life and my friendships both old and new. I need to go into the city and take in all that has always inspired and delighted me. I need to get a massage and pamper myself and I need to indulge in my solitude. While nine days seems like a lifetime this morning- it won't be long before I put my servant outfit back on.... today- I will pass it on to someone else- with great pleasure.
If you see me alone- I might just need a hug however I have a feeling I will get used to this just as soon as Im out having cocktails with my girlfriends- perhaps- if they will indulge me- this evening. xo