Timely Love

“An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth.” Bonnie Friedman

I need a soundproof office, fifteen hours of uninterrupted time and someone who can tend to all the tasks while Im not being interrupted by the endless needs of life and children's needs. 

Is that too much to ask for- well apparently it is since I have not had that increment of free time in over ten years. Time- we all want it , we all waste it and too much of it on our hands makes us all a little bit crazy. I enjoy being busy but I need me time. Time to think and create. Time to reflect and time to work. Time to meditate and clear my mind.

It’s the continual  interruption that makes me insane. Not always, but particularly this week as I have been working on a few projects. As a writer uninterrupted flow is a beautiful gift, as a Mother it is an impossibility. 

The requests that I hear from the family room are often the following: Im hungry can I have a cookie, can I get an app, can I buy a song, can we go to Jack Wills, when are we going skiing etc. . It doesn’t end and Im the type of Mother who aims to please. That is problem number one. I have become a glorified servant... not that glorified  --I guess Mothers are all servants to a degree, it is built into our care taking nature. Ninety percent of the time I don’t mind but when Im trying to focus, it makes me grumpy. I need silence to focus. One of the results of being brought up in a quiet home. I have recreated the same peacefulness under my roof, however on occasion....

I wonder if I feel this way even more so since Im the sole parent. I have to answer all the questions, respond to all the issues and problems and provide a solution to all  of the day’s quandaries. I have no one to carry the rest of the load. There are two people that are relying on me for solutions and a whole host of other things.

 Im so used to it that I seldom think about it but when I do, I admit it is quite a job for one person to manage. 

So, my request for fifteen hours of uninterrupted time- I doubt it will come soon so I mist embrace the here and now. I keep close to me the reality that this is the period of time that I am in.

 I embrace the good fortune that I have the ability that I can raise my children where and in the manner that suites me. I know one day I will miss the hell out of both of them. Just thinking about that makes me want to go and do something special for them, thus part of the problem perhaps is me. I indulge in their satisfaction, that too must have been born as I became a Mother.  I can think of much worse things. 

Have a great  Monday xo

"Love- That's The way Love Goes"

“The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother’s side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.”-Erich Fromm

Mothers, we love them, we leave them and we challenge them throughout our lifetime, and then they turn around as we get older and do the same. I have to take my Mom to the airport this winter as she typically goes to Florida for six months every winter. She broke her arm last month so I'm not sure when her departure will ultimately be but Im thinking of it this afternoon.

My Father bought a place near West Palm Beach a while back prior to his death. It is a beautiful place with every room overlooking miles of unspoiled beach. The sound of the waves and the brightness of the moon creates the perfect environment for peace.  The beauty of it clearly attracted him along with the fact that many of my parents life long friends were also enjoying the same area in Florida.

They had gone to Palm Beach one year and fell in love with the general area. It’s elegance and warmth were an easy sell, my father however needed reassurance that we would use it often and as a family gathering spot. He knew his time was limited and his purchase was truly for us. My father was often greatly satisfied by providing us with the wonderful comforts in life.   I think there was great peace knowing that my Mother would be in a beautiful environment with close friends and family visiting often.

My Father never had the opportunity to enjoy it. He died soon after it was fully furnished. There are memories of him all over the place and I think of him as I breath in the beauty of what can be seen from each glass door. The aura of peace and calm permeates throughout. My father is there in spirit and there are many of his belongings that remind me of his never-ending thirst to learn something new.

http://books.google.com/books/about/On_Grieving_the_Death_of_a_Father.html?id=DzawLRdc8EgC

He never fished before and yet his new fishing gear is still in the closet complete with tags.  His golf clubs are also stored in “my closet” for anyone who desires to play. So now, at this very second it all makes great sense to me.

My sadness, it is not about my Mother leaving although I will miss her. It is the realization that my Father is not the one traveling with her. It’s that she has to travel alone and this is not the way life was supposed to turn out. Im impressed that through my writing I have identified my heavy heart. It’s amazing what we uncover if we are not afraid to delve into our discomfort.

I feel better having figured this sadness out,  at least it is a familiar feeling.  Missing my father has left an emptiness in my heart that I know very well. It is sign of the depth of the love that we have for each other. I am blessed to have had the experience of such a wonderful man in my life for thirty six years.

As I depart of the airport soon and get my Mother checked in, I will silently tell my Father that she is safely on her way and we will visit soon. His wish for us will be fulfilled and his unselfish nature will live on. We are blessed. xo

The Sandwich Generation

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

I have read about this and thought about it and now I find myself literally my self sitting in a triple decker sandwich. In my heart I knew why I wanted to live in Connecticut when my ex-husband was transferred to NYC. My Dad had a terminal illness- his time would be limited which ultimately would leave my Mother alone.

Approximately six months after my Father died, I truly thought my Mother would not survive after a terrible fall. She was on her way to Florida via JFK airport, she fell backward on the escalator and broke nine ribs. When I saw her little broken body, I did not think she would survive as she was in so much pain and she looked so battered.  My brother and I took care of her for weeks and she made it through with flying colors.  

The next year she would inform my brothers and I that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. She was fortunate as it was in it's early stage. She did however go through surgery and weeks of radiation and it was yet another journey of recovery. We were thrilled when it was over as it was an incredibly stressful time. 

I thought we were done with the health issues for awhile but this was not the case. 

The following year- I had spoken with my Mother one morning and she told me she would be staying in the house all day baking and cooking. It was a very cold day that seemed to call for warm delightful aromas throughout the house.  I needed to ask her a question and began to call her at 4:00 pm and did not get an answer. I tried at 5:00 then 6:00 and still no answer.  

At 7:00 pm I was headed out to dinner and decided that I had to stop beforehand to ensure that my Mother was safe.  My mind was worried and as we drove into her driveway and put up the garage, panic set in.  Her car was in the garage so I ran into our home.

I immediately saw the door to the basement was open and my worst fear was confirmed. My Mother had fallen down the stairs.  She had broken her hip and cut her arms and she couldn't move. It was no surprise that she needed immediate surgery for a hip replacement and so that journey began, and it was a long one.

After her surgery she was in a rehab for a little over a month. I cooked for her and I kept her company once I launched my children off on the bus. My schedule soon turned into a routine of tending to my house and children, going to the rehab and heading right back home to tend to the needs of my children.
Since Im the sole custodian of my children, and do not have family nearby- I have zero reprieve except for babysitter that gives me some breathing room. 

After the rehab my mother moved in with me and I took care of her until she was well enough to live on her own again. I would do any day of the week again for her as I did for my father. 

Tough Day

I have to let go this afternoon. I have to kiss my kids goodbye and put them on a plane with their father. They are going to California for nine days and Im happy for them. I know that they will be safe and happy but it is tough to let go of them after all these years. I have not spent more than three nights away from them - ever. I admit that this break is well-deserved. It is challenging to raise two children entirely alone with no real support system. I have sitters and friends that will help but the reality is that Im a single parent and I have sole custody of my two children and I thank God for that gift daily. No shuffling , no discussion about holidays and no back and forth on a weekly basis. We are all rooted and have successfully traversed the mines of the divorce battlefield.
This September I will be divorced for five years. It's amazing to me that I have been single much longer than I was married, no wonder Im so good at it.

 Im not sure that marriage is the right institution for me. I currently do not see any advantages to it other than a built in extra-hand. I have freedom to do as I please and to raise my children the manner in which I desire. My children have plenty of great, strong and intelligent male role models that are loving and kind so this is a positive aspect of our life. In no way am I suggesting that these men replace their father,  however I encourage each of my children to love and respect their father. I always speak highly of him and tell them the truth. He is a kind and successful, loving man but we were too different to succeed as a married couple.

 I don't have to explain much as our differences are glaringly obvious. My children are astute and they are also used to our situation. My ex moved to California when Christopher was five and Giavanna was barely three.  The life we have is the life that they  know and I thank God daily that they are doing wonderfully well. You truly do reap what you sow. I continually put my heart, soul and every energy I have into the well-being, success and happiness of my children. Im very proud of both of them for different reasons. My efforts have helped to create a stability and confidence within them and it's wonderful for me to observe.

I have already had my conversation with them about this trip to California. I made them promise me that they will call me twice a day. They must look out for each other- I emphasized the closeness of our family unit as a threesome and without me there- they must help each other. I suppose I like having control over the whereabouts of my kids. I don't take my eyes off of them so the thought of them on a plane or an amusement park without me is bothersome.

 I remind myself that I have to let go and trust that their father loves them as much as I do. While I know this, I also know that I watch my children like a hawk and that attention to every detail brings me comfort." Let go Michelle-it's time". These are the words that echo in my mind.
So, we have reached that point. It is time for me to step aside and let go.   My children are indeed old enough to travel with their father to California. They are old enough to shower alone and get dressed by themselves and make good decisions. Aside from the practical matters, the most important aspect to me is that they are mature enough to be away from home and that they are safe. They will be spending time with my ex husbands new wife. Yet another- extremely strange happening but we all have to adjust. We have to bend and twist and accept all of the challenges and transitions that life will surely provide to each and everyone of us.

Whether it is letting go of your children or your marriage or your parents- the time will come and you have to be able to do it. If you don't accept this- life will be a struggle and these events will be anxiety provoking as well as disturbing. Today, Im not without slight anxiety. While I will miss my children terribly- I know the importance of them taking this trip with their father. It is important for his relationship with them as well as mine. It will be good for them to step away from the comfort of our home. They will come back with a greater appreciation for their life and all that I do for them.

 I deserve some time alone. I am everyone's caretaker and I need a little mental clarity. I need to focus on my writing, my life and my friendships both old and new. I need to go into the city and take in all that has always inspired and delighted me. I need to get a massage and pamper myself and I need to indulge in my solitude. While nine days seems like a lifetime this morning- it won't be long before I put my servant outfit back on.... today- I will pass it on to someone else- with great pleasure.

If you see me alone- I might just need a hug however I have a feeling I will get used to this just as soon as Im out having cocktails with my girlfriends- perhaps- if they will indulge me- this evening. xo