Love, Renewal, Spring

"Friends are the family you choose."

And so it goes-Spring is rounding the bend and the ending of winter brings about a sense of renewal- another time to reflect on the past months and more importantly a time to truly look inward and see if you are living a life that satisfies your soul.

On December 14, 2012,  I was having lunch with some of my dearest friends as we slowly and painfully gained knowledge of what was transpiring just miles away from our own children and community.  On that difficult day I was fortunate to have the support of great friends around me. 

The commonality and love of women who know the intimate details of my life.  It was together that we were able to process the alarming details and remain composed. I will certainly never forget that day but I will always remember that I had the gift of being surrounded by my friends at a time in which we all needed each other.

I nurture what is important to me and my friendships mean the world to me. They enrich my life, make me laugh, inspire me, challenge me and commiserate with me. As this year ends, I hold deeply the belief that I too, have been a good and caring friend. I have always taught my children the importance of truly connecting with others as well as the importance of being able to let go if it is time to do so.

I find that at various periods in life, our friendships can be vastly unique. We grow closer and at times we grow apart and then reconnect, or never reconnect.  Im always appreciative of the experience even if the friendship has not survived with time or other events such as divorce. I have personally experienced this as a result of my own divorce, and Im grateful for that weeding out process.

 I have no ill feelings as I simply think that with issues such as divorce, others may not know how to handle it. Perhaps it is a time that demands their own self-reflection and brings forth the issues in their own marriages that are not satisfactory.  It is not for me to solve but to rather accept and move forward in the fashion which I have done.

So as I hear the birds sing and see the snow melt,  I will continue to sit with myself quietly. I will review the aspects of my life that have given me great joy as well as those that have been of concern to me. I will create new goals for myself and for my children.  My list of resolutions will be crafted and written down and I will again start anew. Im ready for Spring.

Never be afraid to reinvent yourself and don’t take people in your life for granted, ever. Nurture those you love and focus your attention on what you want your life to be like, rather than focusing on what has not transpired. It is time to move forward with gusto, with hope and with peace.

 I wish you good health, happiness, prosperity and great friends who enrich your life. xo

Timely Love

“An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth.” Bonnie Friedman

I need a soundproof office, fifteen hours of uninterrupted time and someone who can tend to all the tasks while Im not being interrupted by the endless needs of life and children's needs. 

Is that too much to ask for- well apparently it is since I have not had that increment of free time in over ten years. Time- we all want it , we all waste it and too much of it on our hands makes us all a little bit crazy. I enjoy being busy but I need me time. Time to think and create. Time to reflect and time to work. Time to meditate and clear my mind.

It’s the continual  interruption that makes me insane. Not always, but particularly this week as I have been working on a few projects. As a writer uninterrupted flow is a beautiful gift, as a Mother it is an impossibility. 

The requests that I hear from the family room are often the following: Im hungry can I have a cookie, can I get an app, can I buy a song, can we go to Jack Wills, when are we going skiing etc. . It doesn’t end and Im the type of Mother who aims to please. That is problem number one. I have become a glorified servant... not that glorified  --I guess Mothers are all servants to a degree, it is built into our care taking nature. Ninety percent of the time I don’t mind but when Im trying to focus, it makes me grumpy. I need silence to focus. One of the results of being brought up in a quiet home. I have recreated the same peacefulness under my roof, however on occasion....

I wonder if I feel this way even more so since Im the sole parent. I have to answer all the questions, respond to all the issues and problems and provide a solution to all  of the day’s quandaries. I have no one to carry the rest of the load. There are two people that are relying on me for solutions and a whole host of other things.

 Im so used to it that I seldom think about it but when I do, I admit it is quite a job for one person to manage. 

So, my request for fifteen hours of uninterrupted time- I doubt it will come soon so I mist embrace the here and now. I keep close to me the reality that this is the period of time that I am in.

 I embrace the good fortune that I have the ability that I can raise my children where and in the manner that suites me. I know one day I will miss the hell out of both of them. Just thinking about that makes me want to go and do something special for them, thus part of the problem perhaps is me. I indulge in their satisfaction, that too must have been born as I became a Mother.  I can think of much worse things. 

Have a great  Monday xo

Saying Goodbye

“Where we love is home- home that our feet may leave but not our hearts.”

I lingered, I walked into every room and attempted to inhale all of the memories and ghosts that lingered within the walls of my family home. I could see my grandparents, my father and mother- my brothers and I- all as young children in every corner. 

 It was as if I was rapidly changing the channels of a tv and the picture continuously changed with different events, some happy, others devastating as well as life just unwinding as it was supposed to.

It was time to sell the family home. My parents had owned it for 42 years and since my father died, it was too much house for my Mother to maintain. It was time for her to move on. I just didn’t realize it would also be my time to move on as well.

 Over the course of my life- the family home was my place of reprieve, it represented a calm and security that I had not been able to replicate. Although I lived in Boston for quite some time-  I continued to enjoy spending summer days by the  pool with the anticipation of homemade food, excellent wine and again, that calm and secure feeling of being around my parents.

My children learned how to swim in their pool and they too learned of the enjoyment that continued to bring me back time and again. 

They were sad when they learned that another family would soon take over and they would no longer have access to the comfort and enjoyment of “their” pool.  As the closing date approached and the house was packed up, we indulged in the property and said our goodbyes to the house. 

When I walked into my parents bedroom and it was empty, my eyes filled up and I quickly swallowed the lump in my throat. It was truly time to let go of the place that had held such meaning in my life and it was a reality that I truly accepted.

I walked around one last time and took the energy and positive feelings with me. I didn’t look back as I locked the door one last time. I drove back to my own home and had a great conversation with my children.

 They told me that they feel the same way about our family home as I did about my parents house. The feelings of calm and serenity and comfort has been recreated for them to enjoy. Im now the provider of all of those things to my children. A sense of peacefulness eased into my soul and I was content with this knowledge. My only issue now is to find a pool but the more important aspects of life have already been created and that’s a wonderful feeling. xo

Divorce- Love- Emotions

Marriage isn't a love affair. It isn't even a honeymoon. It's a job. A long hard job, at which both partners have to work, harder than they've worked at anything in their lives before. If it's a good marriage, it changes, it evolves, but it goes on getting better. I've seen it with my own mother and father. But a bad marriage can dissolve in a welter of resentment and acrimony. I've seen that, too, in my own miserable and disastrous attempt at making another person happy. And it's never one person's fault. It's the sum total of a thousand little irritations, disagreements, idiotic details that in a sound alliance would simply be disregarded, or forgotten in the healing act of making love. Divorce isn't a cure, it's a surgical operation, even if there are no children to consider. –Rosamunde Pilcher, “Wild Mountain Thyme”


I couldn’t sleep last night which is nothing new and probably has to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the process of going to sleep. I think too much and the quietness of the forest along with the darkness of the night creates the perfect environment for thought.

I began to think of a friend of mine who is going through a challenging divorce. I thought of the difficulty she will face in the days to come - the sense of disappointment she will soon feel that her marriage did not bring her the happiness she anticipated. I also began to think about how the divorce process simply aids in the erosion of a union which was once fun, loving, exciting and enjoyable.

The process is anything but fun and can at times be frustrating and annoying. It can simply bring out the worst in a person, if you let it.
 Tempers flare and feelings that were once loving and affectionate are now brimming with anger and disgust. I always wonder how a relationship can turn so easily but it truly can. I think the scary part is that as it turns to new found negative feelings, one can hardly remember the loving feelings. 

I have to look at photographs to confirm that I actually did have – at one point- very positive feelings toward my ex-husband. The pictures look great, we look excited and loving toward each other. I clearly enjoyed his company. 

I remember years ago when he came to visit the kids.  I asked him get in a photo with all of us because every single year- each child is asked to bring in a photo of the family. I was tired of scrambling to assemble pictures of us not together so I decided this year would be different.  We were all together at Giavanna’s first communion so I figured the timing was perfect. 

By the way if you are a teacher, this assignment is torture for a divorced family, not only for the parent but for the child as well. I actually discussed it with one of Giavanna's teachers and she was happy that I brought it to her attention. It never occurred to her that it would be anything but fun. 

The photograph was taken by a friend,  and we both were uncomfortable.  He more than I- I suppose this is because I was doing it for my children, he must have thought he was doing me a favor.  The point being is that pictures always speak a thousand words. I was standing behind Giavanna and he behind Christopher but there was a space in between us. 

I was half smiling, he was stiff and it looked nothing like a photo that would have been taken six years prior.  It’s not that long of a period if you think about it- from loving affection to obvious discomfort - like two strangers that were forced together in a picture and told to act like they knew each other. 

 It is very interesting to me and I personally know that relationships can change like the seasons.  Right now, the season in or relationship would be more or less winter with a touch of occasional Spring.

Im not sure if we ever know when exactly a relationship begins the downward spiral. We don't wake up one morning and decide to leave our marriage. I know you hear of stories where people say.. she or he just up and left. The truth is that whoever left in fact did not just up and leave. 

They were unhappy, they thought about their life and they believed that life without their spouse would bring them greater happiness. This did not happen overnight- it never does. 

For those of you have experienced divorce, you are familiar with my words. To those who think that staying in a marriage is the tougher path to follow- you clearly have not gone through the divorce process. The grass has been greener for me but if you can save your marriage I would certainly recommend that you do so. 

Have a nice weekend. xo

Lovers Talk

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” 

“That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending – performing. You get to love your pretence. It’s true, we’re locked in an image, an act – and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks.

 They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” —Jim Morrison

To know me is to comprehend the depth and quality of the connections that I have with others. I do not wear a mask and feel that the ease of connection that I have with people is the result of confidence and my ability to immediately put others at ease. 

Why is it so difficult to communicate with your spouse. Why are you afraid to tell him what you need, or what bothers you. If you share your days and your nights with someone, does that not give you the right to be honest in your expression.

Why do men and women not share what they really want out of a relationship. Is it out of fear that it won’t be provided, or perhaps they fear rejection. It serves no good purpose.

 The  mask that you wear only deters you from getting all that you desire.  In time, if you are not honest to your spouse, you are only doing a disservice to yourself and your soul. 

We have an obligation to others and yet if we do not honor our own voice, we will be left with nothing to give. The time to remove your mask is right now.

Give validity to your voice, your innermost desires and listen to those around you. The message is there if you want to hear it. xo

"Love- That's The way Love Goes"

“The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother’s side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.”-Erich Fromm

Mothers, we love them, we leave them and we challenge them throughout our lifetime, and then they turn around as we get older and do the same. I have to take my Mom to the airport this winter as she typically goes to Florida for six months every winter. She broke her arm last month so I'm not sure when her departure will ultimately be but Im thinking of it this afternoon.

My Father bought a place near West Palm Beach a while back prior to his death. It is a beautiful place with every room overlooking miles of unspoiled beach. The sound of the waves and the brightness of the moon creates the perfect environment for peace.  The beauty of it clearly attracted him along with the fact that many of my parents life long friends were also enjoying the same area in Florida.

They had gone to Palm Beach one year and fell in love with the general area. It’s elegance and warmth were an easy sell, my father however needed reassurance that we would use it often and as a family gathering spot. He knew his time was limited and his purchase was truly for us. My father was often greatly satisfied by providing us with the wonderful comforts in life.   I think there was great peace knowing that my Mother would be in a beautiful environment with close friends and family visiting often.

My Father never had the opportunity to enjoy it. He died soon after it was fully furnished. There are memories of him all over the place and I think of him as I breath in the beauty of what can be seen from each glass door. The aura of peace and calm permeates throughout. My father is there in spirit and there are many of his belongings that remind me of his never-ending thirst to learn something new.

http://books.google.com/books/about/On_Grieving_the_Death_of_a_Father.html?id=DzawLRdc8EgC

He never fished before and yet his new fishing gear is still in the closet complete with tags.  His golf clubs are also stored in “my closet” for anyone who desires to play. So now, at this very second it all makes great sense to me.

My sadness, it is not about my Mother leaving although I will miss her. It is the realization that my Father is not the one traveling with her. It’s that she has to travel alone and this is not the way life was supposed to turn out. Im impressed that through my writing I have identified my heavy heart. It’s amazing what we uncover if we are not afraid to delve into our discomfort.

I feel better having figured this sadness out,  at least it is a familiar feeling.  Missing my father has left an emptiness in my heart that I know very well. It is sign of the depth of the love that we have for each other. I am blessed to have had the experience of such a wonderful man in my life for thirty six years.

As I depart of the airport soon and get my Mother checked in, I will silently tell my Father that she is safely on her way and we will visit soon. His wish for us will be fulfilled and his unselfish nature will live on. We are blessed. xo

Express Yourself

My dreams are so incredibly poignant and real. I awoke this morning with such mixed emotion. I had a dream last night that I was having dinner with my four grandparents and my parents. My Mother is the only one that is still alive among those six people. We were having dinner at an Italian restaurant in the Hudson Valley. It was a place that I had never been to but I recall being in awe of the beauty of the river view and the mountains. It was a place of peace with a beauty that was breathtaking.

We were having a great time and I was asking my grandparents to tell me all about my parents- when they were young. I wanted to know how they behaved and who they had crushes on. I wanted to know if my Grandparents were tough on my parents and I asked how they felt when my Mother introduced my Father and vice versa. I got a kick out of the stories that were told and the memories that were recounted with enthusiasm. In my dream, I could smell the bread that was brought to the table and I sat next to my favored Grandmother, Edith.

I was always close with her and favored her among my two grandmothers. She was affectionate with me and interested in anything that I did or said. She wanted me to stay with her all the time and she lit up whenever I called her. Her nickname for me was Michelly and we loved to go shopping together. She was always concerned that my other Grandmother would sense my favoritism. They were so different- One was so affectionate and always smiling while the other was wonderfully sweet but had a tough side to her. She favored my brothers and that was obvious. She used to bake cookies and send them to my brothers while they attended boarding schools. She raved about the boys and her adoration of them was more than obvious. My father was an only child and perhaps having a male child influenced her relationship with males. I know that she loved me but she was critical of me in a manner that I did not see with my brothers.

I continued to visit her my entire adulthood and in fact often drove from Boston to Albany. It was wonderful for both of my grandparents and I enjoyed my visits as well. I learned to appreciate the biting remarks of my Grandmother and actually found humor in her delivery. Thankfully my former husband was more than happy to head up there on a Sunday. He was easy-going so it was never an issue and I think my Grandparents antics in fact gave him good material for his radio show.

The understanding and knowledge that you can learn from your grandparents or older relatives is priceless. I love attending family functions although I wish my relatives lived closer. Many of them are in the Hudson Valley and as I child, I often wished that I lived there. Connecticut seemed so far away and I delighted in the thought of being able to hang out with my cousins on a daily basis. Our extended family was never in the same county.

Im happy to say that I do have relatives in Danbury that I would like to invite over this summer. Facebook has been a wonderful tool in keeping in touch and nurturing relationships with cousins that I never see. Im so excited about that as I can see that we have so much in common and our children are similar in age. I think relationships with family are priceless.

Last month, my close friend Mona had a death in her family. Her first cousin died unexpectedly and she was grief stricken. He was a very young man and was a well-loved, respected, intelligent family-oriented person. His vibrant life touched everyone and although I never had the pleasure of meeting him, it was more than obvious that he was a great man. The love and grief of his family was overwhelming. The most touching thing from my perspective was the enormity of the support of the extended family. Mona comes from a very close Middle Eastern family. They are intelligent, generous, kind-hearted successful people who have a tight knit family. She has the good fortune of having parents who are alive and well and many other elderly relatives that are still active. There were so many people at his wake. So many family members that could not even speak as they were in shock and despair over his death.

A family united in grief is always sad, yet there is a beauty about the closeness of family that always impresses me. It is apparent at happy occasions but more striking to me during the sad events in life. We don't adore every member of our family, however family is a gift to be treasured.

My dream brought back the family members that I long to see and speak with. They are alive in my heart, in my spirit and in my home. I often speak with my Father as if he were right in front of me. The loss of each of these individuals has left an emptiness in my heart that is enormous. However, I feel blessed that I have had the great fortune of having them as my grandparents and my father. How lucky to have met such wonderful, intelligent and loving people who all shared the same blood. They have taught me innumerous lessons and values that I now pass on to Christopher and Giavanna. They have taught me how to love and how to persevere. They taught the importance of family and the loyalty that one must have in regard to family.

I always tell my friends to appreciate that there parents are alive. I encourage them to express themselves. I have written a letter to each of my grandparents and my father at some point expressing myself to each of them. I wrote of my gratitude for all that they have done for me. I have no regrets as they all died with the knowledge of my love. To me, nothing is more rewarding or peaceful than this when you lose someone close to you.

As Madonna says- express yourself- if you don't do it today, tomorrow will be too late and the days after that will be filled with regret. If you don't want to speak it than write it or paint it. As long as the message is received it makes no difference of the method of delivery. The message is truly all that matters and the expression will make all the difference to you and to the recipient. When my children ask me what I want from them for Mother's day or my birthday- I tell them to write me a letter. Nothing could be more meaningful to me.