Saying Goodbye

“Where we love is home- home that our feet may leave but not our hearts.”

I lingered, I walked into every room and attempted to inhale all of the memories and ghosts that lingered within the walls of my family home. I could see my grandparents, my father and mother- my brothers and I- all as young children in every corner. 

 It was as if I was rapidly changing the channels of a tv and the picture continuously changed with different events, some happy, others devastating as well as life just unwinding as it was supposed to.

It was time to sell the family home. My parents had owned it for 42 years and since my father died, it was too much house for my Mother to maintain. It was time for her to move on. I just didn’t realize it would also be my time to move on as well.

 Over the course of my life- the family home was my place of reprieve, it represented a calm and security that I had not been able to replicate. Although I lived in Boston for quite some time-  I continued to enjoy spending summer days by the  pool with the anticipation of homemade food, excellent wine and again, that calm and secure feeling of being around my parents.

My children learned how to swim in their pool and they too learned of the enjoyment that continued to bring me back time and again. 

They were sad when they learned that another family would soon take over and they would no longer have access to the comfort and enjoyment of “their” pool.  As the closing date approached and the house was packed up, we indulged in the property and said our goodbyes to the house. 

When I walked into my parents bedroom and it was empty, my eyes filled up and I quickly swallowed the lump in my throat. It was truly time to let go of the place that had held such meaning in my life and it was a reality that I truly accepted.

I walked around one last time and took the energy and positive feelings with me. I didn’t look back as I locked the door one last time. I drove back to my own home and had a great conversation with my children.

 They told me that they feel the same way about our family home as I did about my parents house. The feelings of calm and serenity and comfort has been recreated for them to enjoy. Im now the provider of all of those things to my children. A sense of peacefulness eased into my soul and I was content with this knowledge. My only issue now is to find a pool but the more important aspects of life have already been created and that’s a wonderful feeling. xo

Bye Bye Boston

Im convinced that I was put on this planet to experience every single challenge that life could possibly present to me. All the things that seem impossible to navigate through or take on seem to have come my way in the past seven years.

 If one told me ten years ago that I would be leaving my favorite city of Boston,  my apartment on the 25th     floor overlooking the Charles River and my vibrant lifestyle-  I would have laughed.

"Im never leaving this city"- I used to say.  My heart is here- I know the streets and the people and the business owners. I know the best places to go no matter the time or day.  I know that I can pretend that Im staying at the Ritz and swing in and use the bathroom on the second floor.  I know that it takes me 25 minutes to walk from my front door to Sonsie on Newbury Street. http://sonsieboston.com/flash/

 I know the seasons in the city, the smell of fall when the city is crowded with freshman faces walking around with anticipation and excitement of the school year. The peacefulness of the summer when there are so many Europeans in the city and the noise of kids has diminished. All of these aspects of Boston I know and love.

Love and Pain

I was ten minutes late to my great uncle's funeral. 

Im usually punctual but Monday morning I was thinking about marketing and sales ideas. Im working with a group of wonderfully smart and talented women. I was hired by Susan Wakefield, a family lawyer of 22 years and her business manager, Susanne. They have a very interesting concept that I have experienced first hand. The business is called Connecticut Legal Coaching, LLC and is located in Southport CT. 

  Legal Coaching is for individuals who want to represent themselves in family court, yet they need or desire legal advice to help empower themselves and arm themselves with a real solid legal foundation.  I recently had to modify my divorce agreement and wanted a legal coach. I found Susan immediately and my experience with her office has been wonderful. Im so happy to be working with them as I believe in the concept and I have lived the results. If anyone living in Connecticut needs their services please call Susanne at 203-292-9222 or email her at info@ctlegalcoaching.com   

Or, contact me as Im happy to discuss the process and introduce you to them. Anyhow...........back to Monday.

With my wheels spinning about ideas that I have along with my lack of thinking about my "funeral" outfit, I was in a rush. I had to be there for an eleven am service which was in Peekskill New York. I looked at the clock and gasped when I realized I would only have time for a fifteen minute shower and dressing. Okay, I can swing that- five in the shower and ten for the rest. I have been told that I take the shortest amount of time to get ready than most women. 

I usually end up putting the finishing touches on in the car but whatever-Im fast!!  I rushed out of my house and of course my Mother calls and wants to chat and then my cell phone rings and another friend needs to chat and now Im slightly later. I sped down 84- praying that I would not hit traffic. I was a half hour away when my phone rang. 

It was one of my best friends who had very bad news to deliver to me.  Someone who is dear to me was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease. I was driving, rushing and devastated. I felt like someone kicked me in the throat and I immediately wanted to cry but I did not. I listened to the details and hung up quickly as there was alot of traffic Monday morning.  

This person is someone that my father introduced me to and I took to him immediately. His intelligence, warmth, humor, compassion and overall everything appealed to me. He is a wonderful man with whom I have a wonderful connection. We have never been romantically involved however at another point in time- this is someone that I would have absolutely connected with.  As the song goes- It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"- Now mind you if I actually dated him- I might be singing a very different tune.

The point is Im now struggling with this news. I arrived at  my Uncle's funeral and when I looked at his casket I was so sad. The finality of life and the ritual of a funeral are so incredibly poignant. I was deeply moved by my two gorgeous cousins- Arielle played the flute while Allie sang and it was incredibly meaningful. Arielle gave a wonderful tribute to him and I held back my tears. 

I observed the siblings of Cornelius- all in their nineties and looking terrific. They are cut from a cloth that is strong, intense, intellectual and steadfast. Their family means the world to them and they to their family.  I looked at their children- my mother's generation and then of course to my cousins. I was moved as I thought of my great grandparents who came here from Italy for their family. What joy they would have to see the beauty of such a close family, rooted by and connected by tradition. 

 What delight they would take in seeing the success of so many of their offspring. I won't even mention the sense of style and love of fashion that flows through the veins of the D'Aprile family.  I don't have to wonder where my pleasure of clothing originates from.  The men in this family are wonderfully handsome and kindhearted especially one that despite his east coast Wall Street exterior- dreams of being outwest. I have a feeling if it were long ago, he would have been a rugged cowboy!

The funeral was sad and then we all went to a beautiful restaurant on the Hudson River and enjoyed the company of people we love. We drank wine and ate calamari and pasta and all the things that Italian people live for. Family, food, wine and great conversation. There is nothing better than that.

I had the great pleasure of sitting with the "boys" and it was wonderfully fun and enjoyable. We were there for hours and it once again solidified the bond of a close knit, loving and large Italian family. I am blessed to be related to each one of them. They accept me for who I am and are not judgmental. They have observed and participated in all the events in my life, both joyous and sad.  

It was a day of such mixed emotion and wonderful richness of depth. You can't have the great times without truly feeling the pain of loss. We love, we lose and we grieve and then we must accept our fate and the fate of others.

I struggled with this in regard to the illness and death of my father. I still do struggle with it and his loss has left me with a gapping wound that will never heal. I accepted his fate but it hurts nonetheless. 

The parallels of my friend, my father, terminal illness and having to accept the fate of life has rattled my week. Im sad yet so happy for all the blessings that I have in my life. I am happy that I can feel and observe and participate in a life so filled with beautiful family and phenomenal friendships. I was born into a wonderful place in time. Im grateful for all that is around me and I thank God that I can feel and love so deeply that when I lose someone I love- I lose a part of my heart.  I long to kiss my children who have now been in California with their Dad for way to long. 

It's the beauty of pain that most people don't see- I see it, I feel it and I live it daily.  Please pray for my friend. The world is a better place with a person like him in it. Count your blessings and enjoy this day.  xo

A Letter To My Father

Happy Father's Day !!

Time heals all wounds- Myth Number One- In fact I miss my father more and more with the passing of time. I was so incredibly close to him that his absence in my daily life has left a huge void. My father used to just stop by- I would hear the garage door open and he would saunter in here with a big friendly greeting. He usually had the latest edition of the Times or Archaelogy Today under one arm, and some sort of goodie for us in the other. He would stay for an hour and at times not say a word. He simply sat at my kitchen table and read. His presence to me was calming, friendly, sweet and protective. He knew me better than anyone and he and I were similar souls. This was not only in our demeanor but also in our positive and upbeat view of life.

He was incredibly intelligent yet down to earth and kind to everyone who crossed his path. His loyalty and love of family was readily seen and his spirit is alive through my children.
As I watch Christopher Im in awe of the similarities between he and my Father. Like Dr.Tony- he shares the same love for reading, science, math, history and exploration. He is gentle, intelligent and loyal with a heart of gold and he wants to be a Radiologist. My Dad would be thrilled.

Giavanna is also like my father in many ways- she loves music and family and her friends. She is always smiling and sweet and gentle. Her passion is laughter and making people happy. She is intelligent and truly lights people up as she delightfully tells a story. She has the same friendly nature as my father and if he saw her play her saxophone, he would love it. It is wonderful for me to see his spirit alive through my children. They talk about him all the time and his presence is continually felt in our home.

When I was 23, my father was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and my relatively happy existence became riddled with fear and anxiety. With a terminal cancer coloring the backdrop of every day- life changed for me. From the time my father was diagnosed until the day he died I lived with a dread that was present even in the happiest of moments. The black cloud of illness and suffering loomed on the horizon and I could not find peace in thinking of my world without my father present. I would cry at night and going to bed became something I dreaded.
I used to live across the street from St.Stephens Church in Boston and at times late at night I would go and sit on the stairs of the church. I would pray and sob until my stomach hurt and my eyes had cried every tear. I cherished every moment with my father and have great peace knowing that he knew how much he rocked my world -as the young kids would say. I want to share with you a letter that I wrote to him in December of 2003. This letter was placed in his hand along with some pictures in his coffin. Happy Father's Day- Please respect and love your father even if you have differences. Do not let time pass without him knowing that you love him. I did it when he was alive and and now that he has passed, it has made all the difference. I wrote the following letter in December of 2003.

A Letter To My Father,
Dear Dad- I have often found that I am best able to express myself through my writing so this Christmas I have decided to give you a gift that is truly from my heart. I have put my emotions into words and have created this letter which for me is the best gift that I have ever given you. Although you have taught me numerous lessons my entire life, I have found that I have learned the most from you as a result of your illness. Your strength, courage and spirit in the face of adversity is more than admirable. You embrace the gift of life and indulge in the beauty of life, from opera, to planting flowers to traveling to your favorite places. I truly wish that I was with you on your most recent trip to Italy as I love it there as much as you do.

I am so thankful and filled with gratitude for the wonder of simply knowing and loving you. You have always been my friend, my teacher and the man whom I have admired most in my life. Your presence has always calmed me even when no words were spoken. When Giavanna was born you came over every morning by 7 am for over a month. You brought Christopher glazed doughnuts and sat at ny kitchen table reading the paper and drinking coffee just so I could take a shower and not feel so overwhelmed.. You even packed Christopher's lunch and would drive him to nursery school. What seemed like a simple act to you, in reality is an example of how much you continually nurture all of those whom you love.

I find that I am so much like you have only discovered this in my adult life. Like you I am blessed with a love of reading, music, exploration, anthropology and a spirit for helping those in need of guidance. These are gifts that I have received from you. You are so important to all of us who have been graced with your love and wisdom. As you know, my husband lost his father at an early age and truly has considered you his father for the past five years. He often speaks of how much he admires and loves you. This you already know as he has often expressed how he strives daily to become the man that you are. How fortunate for me.
My children are delighted by the sight of you and your playful nature. Christopher has sense that you are the one who can "fix" everyone and everything. If he has a boo-boo, a bump or a toy that needs batteries, he needs to call "Dr.Tony". At such a young age, he has realized how nurturing you are and it is extremely endearing. Giavanna gushes when she sees you and has been blessed with a big, happy smile similar to yours. I am sure that as soon as she can speak she will be requesting "Dr. Tony" for things that need "fixing".

I hope that in my actions and in my words that you are able to feel the gratitude and love that I have towards you as my father. I thank you for the father that you are, the great friend that you have become and the inspiration that you will forever be.

Love You Always- Michelle

Express Yourself

My dreams are so incredibly poignant and real. I awoke this morning with such mixed emotion. I had a dream last night that I was having dinner with my four grandparents and my parents. My Mother is the only one that is still alive among those six people. We were having dinner at an Italian restaurant in the Hudson Valley. It was a place that I had never been to but I recall being in awe of the beauty of the river view and the mountains. It was a place of peace with a beauty that was breathtaking.

We were having a great time and I was asking my grandparents to tell me all about my parents- when they were young. I wanted to know how they behaved and who they had crushes on. I wanted to know if my Grandparents were tough on my parents and I asked how they felt when my Mother introduced my Father and vice versa. I got a kick out of the stories that were told and the memories that were recounted with enthusiasm. In my dream, I could smell the bread that was brought to the table and I sat next to my favored Grandmother, Edith.

I was always close with her and favored her among my two grandmothers. She was affectionate with me and interested in anything that I did or said. She wanted me to stay with her all the time and she lit up whenever I called her. Her nickname for me was Michelly and we loved to go shopping together. She was always concerned that my other Grandmother would sense my favoritism. They were so different- One was so affectionate and always smiling while the other was wonderfully sweet but had a tough side to her. She favored my brothers and that was obvious. She used to bake cookies and send them to my brothers while they attended boarding schools. She raved about the boys and her adoration of them was more than obvious. My father was an only child and perhaps having a male child influenced her relationship with males. I know that she loved me but she was critical of me in a manner that I did not see with my brothers.

I continued to visit her my entire adulthood and in fact often drove from Boston to Albany. It was wonderful for both of my grandparents and I enjoyed my visits as well. I learned to appreciate the biting remarks of my Grandmother and actually found humor in her delivery. Thankfully my former husband was more than happy to head up there on a Sunday. He was easy-going so it was never an issue and I think my Grandparents antics in fact gave him good material for his radio show.

The understanding and knowledge that you can learn from your grandparents or older relatives is priceless. I love attending family functions although I wish my relatives lived closer. Many of them are in the Hudson Valley and as I child, I often wished that I lived there. Connecticut seemed so far away and I delighted in the thought of being able to hang out with my cousins on a daily basis. Our extended family was never in the same county.

Im happy to say that I do have relatives in Danbury that I would like to invite over this summer. Facebook has been a wonderful tool in keeping in touch and nurturing relationships with cousins that I never see. Im so excited about that as I can see that we have so much in common and our children are similar in age. I think relationships with family are priceless.

Last month, my close friend Mona had a death in her family. Her first cousin died unexpectedly and she was grief stricken. He was a very young man and was a well-loved, respected, intelligent family-oriented person. His vibrant life touched everyone and although I never had the pleasure of meeting him, it was more than obvious that he was a great man. The love and grief of his family was overwhelming. The most touching thing from my perspective was the enormity of the support of the extended family. Mona comes from a very close Middle Eastern family. They are intelligent, generous, kind-hearted successful people who have a tight knit family. She has the good fortune of having parents who are alive and well and many other elderly relatives that are still active. There were so many people at his wake. So many family members that could not even speak as they were in shock and despair over his death.

A family united in grief is always sad, yet there is a beauty about the closeness of family that always impresses me. It is apparent at happy occasions but more striking to me during the sad events in life. We don't adore every member of our family, however family is a gift to be treasured.

My dream brought back the family members that I long to see and speak with. They are alive in my heart, in my spirit and in my home. I often speak with my Father as if he were right in front of me. The loss of each of these individuals has left an emptiness in my heart that is enormous. However, I feel blessed that I have had the great fortune of having them as my grandparents and my father. How lucky to have met such wonderful, intelligent and loving people who all shared the same blood. They have taught me innumerous lessons and values that I now pass on to Christopher and Giavanna. They have taught me how to love and how to persevere. They taught the importance of family and the loyalty that one must have in regard to family.

I always tell my friends to appreciate that there parents are alive. I encourage them to express themselves. I have written a letter to each of my grandparents and my father at some point expressing myself to each of them. I wrote of my gratitude for all that they have done for me. I have no regrets as they all died with the knowledge of my love. To me, nothing is more rewarding or peaceful than this when you lose someone close to you.

As Madonna says- express yourself- if you don't do it today, tomorrow will be too late and the days after that will be filled with regret. If you don't want to speak it than write it or paint it. As long as the message is received it makes no difference of the method of delivery. The message is truly all that matters and the expression will make all the difference to you and to the recipient. When my children ask me what I want from them for Mother's day or my birthday- I tell them to write me a letter. Nothing could be more meaningful to me.