Thanks for Reading Suburban Adventure

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Divorce- Love- Emotions

Marriage isn't a love affair. It isn't even a honeymoon. It's a job. A long hard job, at which both partners have to work, harder than they've worked at anything in their lives before. If it's a good marriage, it changes, it evolves, but it goes on getting better. I've seen it with my own mother and father. But a bad marriage can dissolve in a welter of resentment and acrimony. I've seen that, too, in my own miserable and disastrous attempt at making another person happy. And it's never one person's fault. It's the sum total of a thousand little irritations, disagreements, idiotic details that in a sound alliance would simply be disregarded, or forgotten in the healing act of making love. Divorce isn't a cure, it's a surgical operation, even if there are no children to consider. –Rosamunde Pilcher, “Wild Mountain Thyme”

I couldn’t sleep last night which is nothing new and probably has to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the process of going to sleep. I think too much and the quietness of the forest along with the darkness of the night creates the perfect environment for thought.

I began to think of a friend of mine who is going through a challenging divorce. I thought of the difficulty she will face in the days to come - the sense of disappointment she will soon feel that her marriage did not bring her the happiness she anticipated. I also began to think about how the divorce process simply aids in the erosion of a union which was once fun, loving, exciting and enjoyable.

The process is anything but fun and can at times be frustrating and annoying. It can simply bring out the worst in a person, if you let it.
 Tempers flare and feelings that were once loving and affectionate are now brimming with anger and disgust. I always wonder how a relationship can turn so easily but it truly can. I think the scary part is that as it turns to new found negative feelings, one can hardly remember the loving feelings. 

I have to look at photographs to confirm that I actually did have – at one point- very positive feelings toward my ex-husband. The pictures look great, we look excited and loving toward each other. I clearly enjoyed his company. 
I remember years ago when he came to visit the kids.  I asked him get in a photo with all of us because every single year- each child is asked to bring in a photo of the family. I was tired of scrambling to assemble pictures of us not together so I decided this year would be different.  We were all together at Giavanna’s first communion so I figured the timing was perfect. 
By the way if you are a teacher, this assignment is torture for a divorced family, not only for the parent but for the child as well. I actually discussed it with one of Giavanna's teachers and she was happy that I brought it to her attention. It never occurred to her that it would be anything but fun. 
The photograph was taken by a friend,  and we both were uncomfortable.  He more than I- I suppose this is because I was doing it for my children, he must have thought he was doing me a favor.  The point being is that pictures always speak a thousand words. I was standing behind Giavanna and he behind Christopher but there was a space in between us. 
I was half smiling, he was stiff and it looked nothing like a photo that would have been taken six years prior.  It’s not that long of a period if you think about it- from loving affection to obvious discomfort - like two strangers that were forced together in a picture and told to act like they knew each other. 
 It is very interesting to me and I personally know that relationships can change like the seasons.  Right now, the season in or relationship would be more or less winter with a touch of occasional Spring.
Im not sure if we ever know when exactly a relationship begins the downward spiral. We don't wake up one morning and decide to leave our marriage. I know you hear of stories where people say.. she or he just up and left. The truth is that whoever left in fact did not just up and leave. 
They were unhappy, they thought about their life and they believed that life without their spouse would bring them greater happiness. This did not happen overnight- it never does. 
For those of you have experienced divorce, you are familiar with my words. To those who think that staying in a marriage is the tougher path to follow- you clearly have not gone through the divorce process. The grass has been greener for me but if you can save your marriage I would certainly recommend that you do so. 
Have a nice weekend. xo

No comments: