Criticism

Last summer I  read a very interesting piece of writing by author, W. Livingston Larned. It remains vividly in my mind.

I was in my parents house when I came across a book of short stories. I had the opportunity to relax a little bit this weekend so we headed to my Mother's pool and indulged. I began to read one of the stories called "Father Forgets". I found it simple with a message that was strong and meaningful.

We all raise our children differently. Some of us are more stringent with our expectations while others take a more laid back approach. "Father Forgets" recounts the sentiments of a father who is self-reflecting about the manner in which he reprimands his young son. This reflection comes in the night after his child is sleeping. Each day the father continually harps on the boy, telling him how and where and what to do. He yells at him for making a mess and not eating right and buttering his bread in the wrong manner.

His son is loving and affectionate, yet his father is not and continually berates him.

From School to playtime, there is not a moment in which he does not see his son without a critical and judgmental eye. The father is unrelenting in his criticism until one night he is filled with guilt. He is overcome with emotion as he has pondered the continual mistreatment of his son and he is riddled with remorse. His own emotion renders distress and a sickening sense that festers inside of him must be released. He goes to his sons room and shares his soul with him.

The father comes to the conclusion that he has been treating his son as if he were a grown man. He had expectations that a little boy could not possibly live up to. He has been unfair and he was filled with sadness. He promised that going forward he would bite his tongue when impatient words come. When I put down the book, I entered self reflection mode immediately and began to think of my approach to parenting.

As the sole custodian of my children, it is of extreme importance to me that my children are well-behaved, intelligent, well-rounded, compassionate, friendly, descent and grounded.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not direct, instruct or advise one or both of my children. I try to expose them to different cultures and encourage them to see how others live.

They know that they are fortunate and they have also learned that if they want to live with the finer things in life in a beautiful area, they will need to shine and work extremely hard. I try very hard not to criticize my children. I will happily reprimand them when they need it and correct them if I see their manners not appropriate but I do it in a very loving manner.

 Im mindful and approach child-rearing with great thought. On occasion we all get angry but if you get in the practice of being mindful of your words before speaking you can craft the outcome in a manner that will be far more beneficial to your child.

I teach Christopher and Giavanna with real example, and expose them to the truth. I take every opportunity to expand their knowledge well beyond the perimeters of my beautiful yet homogenized community. They have a great perception of people and behavioral patterns which Im very happy about. The trust that they have given me to guide them is 100 percent and Im blessed with kids that I don't have to scream at too often.

People are emotional and sensitive even if they don't appear to be. Be careful of your biting words as they will do more harm than good. I think Behjamin Franklin had it right. When asked what the secret of his success was he replied, "I will speak ill of no man,"... and speak all the good I know of everybody." Enough said…xo

"This Too Shall Pass"

My Mother was released from the Hospital yesterday and is staying with me until we feel that she is able to go back to her house, which is our family home.  Im not quite sure when or if that will ever happen which has lead me to a very introspective place. It simply doesn't seem that long ago that my parents were getting all dressed up to go to some fancy fundraiser.

I can still remember the smell of Shalimar that danced in the hallways after my parents departed.  I would always sneak into my mother's dressing room and curiously poke around observing her makeup and the jewelry that she decided not to wear a particular evening.  My father always enjoyed dressing well and was extremely social and in fact, he always smelled wonderful.  There were many wonderful things going on in our home and as a child, I was in awe of all that surrounded me.

Another Goodbye....

It's Sunday morning and the smell in the air is a refreshing reminder that fall and the excitement of newness is around the bend. I feel like buying new things for my home, but hesitate to do so as there is a possibility of moving. I may however simply just take my house of the market as it certainly does not seem to be many interested buyers at this point in time. It feels like a time of renewal for me. I feel like getting rid of old and dazzling my environment just a tad. It may just be because I miss my children and Im also saddened by the loss of yet another family member. This will be the third funeral that I have to attend of a family member this summer. Saying goodbye always causes great introspection for me.

 My great uncle died at 99 years of age. I will miss his wonderful smile, kind hearted soul and handsome face. He was certainly one of the most handsome men that I have ever seen and committed. I think perhaps part of what I admired in him was the manner in which I remember him when I was under six years old. His wife Ada, was suffering from Alzheimers at the young age of fifty.  Cornelius tenderly and lovingly took care of her for over twenty years after that entirely by himself. His attention to her was admirable. He stayed by her side, he fed her and he sat with her as the memories of her life and those who loved her watch her mind fade away.

He loved her and he honored her and most of all I believe he respected her and the vows that he made as a husband. The love he had for her was unselfish and it was clear to me as a child that he adored her. I was impressed with this relationship at a very young age. 

As I spoke with my second cousin about his father yesterday, it was the first time that I mentioned to him my sentiment about his father. My vivid recollection of this relationship came as a surprise to him as I am 23 years younger than he and we have not had many conversations of such depth. Our interaction has always been loving, friendly and joking. The loss of our fathers has created a bond that I think will grow even deeper going forward. I always welcome a greater bond with family members especially as I mature.

As we struggle with the loss of those we love with our heart and soul, I think it is important to reflect upon how we each individually live our own lives. I believe it to be a great time to evaluate our own behavior and the manner in which we treat others both family, friends and strangers. When I lose someone that I love and respect, I often reflect upon the character of the person that I have lost. I think of the qualities of that person that made them so special. I try and learn from all that I admired in them. My great uncle Canay brought happiness everytime his smile lit up the room. He will rest in peace and the world indeed was a better place with a man like him in it. He will be missed but his memory will remain alive and well and he will always be remembered with a big smile. xo

A Letter To My Father

Happy Father's Day !!

Time heals all wounds- Myth Number One- In fact I miss my father more and more with the passing of time. I was so incredibly close to him that his absence in my daily life has left a huge void. My father used to just stop by- I would hear the garage door open and he would saunter in here with a big friendly greeting. He usually had the latest edition of the Times or Archaelogy Today under one arm, and some sort of goodie for us in the other. He would stay for an hour and at times not say a word. He simply sat at my kitchen table and read. His presence to me was calming, friendly, sweet and protective. He knew me better than anyone and he and I were similar souls. This was not only in our demeanor but also in our positive and upbeat view of life.

He was incredibly intelligent yet down to earth and kind to everyone who crossed his path. His loyalty and love of family was readily seen and his spirit is alive through my children.
As I watch Christopher Im in awe of the similarities between he and my Father. Like Dr.Tony- he shares the same love for reading, science, math, history and exploration. He is gentle, intelligent and loyal with a heart of gold and he wants to be a Radiologist. My Dad would be thrilled.

Giavanna is also like my father in many ways- she loves music and family and her friends. She is always smiling and sweet and gentle. Her passion is laughter and making people happy. She is intelligent and truly lights people up as she delightfully tells a story. She has the same friendly nature as my father and if he saw her play her saxophone, he would love it. It is wonderful for me to see his spirit alive through my children. They talk about him all the time and his presence is continually felt in our home.

When I was 23, my father was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and my relatively happy existence became riddled with fear and anxiety. With a terminal cancer coloring the backdrop of every day- life changed for me. From the time my father was diagnosed until the day he died I lived with a dread that was present even in the happiest of moments. The black cloud of illness and suffering loomed on the horizon and I could not find peace in thinking of my world without my father present. I would cry at night and going to bed became something I dreaded.
I used to live across the street from St.Stephens Church in Boston and at times late at night I would go and sit on the stairs of the church. I would pray and sob until my stomach hurt and my eyes had cried every tear. I cherished every moment with my father and have great peace knowing that he knew how much he rocked my world -as the young kids would say. I want to share with you a letter that I wrote to him in December of 2003. This letter was placed in his hand along with some pictures in his coffin. Happy Father's Day- Please respect and love your father even if you have differences. Do not let time pass without him knowing that you love him. I did it when he was alive and and now that he has passed, it has made all the difference. I wrote the following letter in December of 2003.

A Letter To My Father,
Dear Dad- I have often found that I am best able to express myself through my writing so this Christmas I have decided to give you a gift that is truly from my heart. I have put my emotions into words and have created this letter which for me is the best gift that I have ever given you. Although you have taught me numerous lessons my entire life, I have found that I have learned the most from you as a result of your illness. Your strength, courage and spirit in the face of adversity is more than admirable. You embrace the gift of life and indulge in the beauty of life, from opera, to planting flowers to traveling to your favorite places. I truly wish that I was with you on your most recent trip to Italy as I love it there as much as you do.

I am so thankful and filled with gratitude for the wonder of simply knowing and loving you. You have always been my friend, my teacher and the man whom I have admired most in my life. Your presence has always calmed me even when no words were spoken. When Giavanna was born you came over every morning by 7 am for over a month. You brought Christopher glazed doughnuts and sat at ny kitchen table reading the paper and drinking coffee just so I could take a shower and not feel so overwhelmed.. You even packed Christopher's lunch and would drive him to nursery school. What seemed like a simple act to you, in reality is an example of how much you continually nurture all of those whom you love.

I find that I am so much like you have only discovered this in my adult life. Like you I am blessed with a love of reading, music, exploration, anthropology and a spirit for helping those in need of guidance. These are gifts that I have received from you. You are so important to all of us who have been graced with your love and wisdom. As you know, my husband lost his father at an early age and truly has considered you his father for the past five years. He often speaks of how much he admires and loves you. This you already know as he has often expressed how he strives daily to become the man that you are. How fortunate for me.
My children are delighted by the sight of you and your playful nature. Christopher has sense that you are the one who can "fix" everyone and everything. If he has a boo-boo, a bump or a toy that needs batteries, he needs to call "Dr.Tony". At such a young age, he has realized how nurturing you are and it is extremely endearing. Giavanna gushes when she sees you and has been blessed with a big, happy smile similar to yours. I am sure that as soon as she can speak she will be requesting "Dr. Tony" for things that need "fixing".

I hope that in my actions and in my words that you are able to feel the gratitude and love that I have towards you as my father. I thank you for the father that you are, the great friend that you have become and the inspiration that you will forever be.

Love You Always- Michelle