Love and Pain

I was ten minutes late to my great uncle's funeral. 

Im usually punctual but Monday morning I was thinking about marketing and sales ideas. Im working with a group of wonderfully smart and talented women. I was hired by Susan Wakefield, a family lawyer of 22 years and her business manager, Susanne. They have a very interesting concept that I have experienced first hand. The business is called Connecticut Legal Coaching, LLC and is located in Southport CT. 

  Legal Coaching is for individuals who want to represent themselves in family court, yet they need or desire legal advice to help empower themselves and arm themselves with a real solid legal foundation.  I recently had to modify my divorce agreement and wanted a legal coach. I found Susan immediately and my experience with her office has been wonderful. Im so happy to be working with them as I believe in the concept and I have lived the results. If anyone living in Connecticut needs their services please call Susanne at 203-292-9222 or email her at info@ctlegalcoaching.com   

Or, contact me as Im happy to discuss the process and introduce you to them. Anyhow...........back to Monday.

With my wheels spinning about ideas that I have along with my lack of thinking about my "funeral" outfit, I was in a rush. I had to be there for an eleven am service which was in Peekskill New York. I looked at the clock and gasped when I realized I would only have time for a fifteen minute shower and dressing. Okay, I can swing that- five in the shower and ten for the rest. I have been told that I take the shortest amount of time to get ready than most women. 

I usually end up putting the finishing touches on in the car but whatever-Im fast!!  I rushed out of my house and of course my Mother calls and wants to chat and then my cell phone rings and another friend needs to chat and now Im slightly later. I sped down 84- praying that I would not hit traffic. I was a half hour away when my phone rang. 

It was one of my best friends who had very bad news to deliver to me.  Someone who is dear to me was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease. I was driving, rushing and devastated. I felt like someone kicked me in the throat and I immediately wanted to cry but I did not. I listened to the details and hung up quickly as there was alot of traffic Monday morning.  

This person is someone that my father introduced me to and I took to him immediately. His intelligence, warmth, humor, compassion and overall everything appealed to me. He is a wonderful man with whom I have a wonderful connection. We have never been romantically involved however at another point in time- this is someone that I would have absolutely connected with.  As the song goes- It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"- Now mind you if I actually dated him- I might be singing a very different tune.

The point is Im now struggling with this news. I arrived at  my Uncle's funeral and when I looked at his casket I was so sad. The finality of life and the ritual of a funeral are so incredibly poignant. I was deeply moved by my two gorgeous cousins- Arielle played the flute while Allie sang and it was incredibly meaningful. Arielle gave a wonderful tribute to him and I held back my tears. 

I observed the siblings of Cornelius- all in their nineties and looking terrific. They are cut from a cloth that is strong, intense, intellectual and steadfast. Their family means the world to them and they to their family.  I looked at their children- my mother's generation and then of course to my cousins. I was moved as I thought of my great grandparents who came here from Italy for their family. What joy they would have to see the beauty of such a close family, rooted by and connected by tradition. 

 What delight they would take in seeing the success of so many of their offspring. I won't even mention the sense of style and love of fashion that flows through the veins of the D'Aprile family.  I don't have to wonder where my pleasure of clothing originates from.  The men in this family are wonderfully handsome and kindhearted especially one that despite his east coast Wall Street exterior- dreams of being outwest. I have a feeling if it were long ago, he would have been a rugged cowboy!

The funeral was sad and then we all went to a beautiful restaurant on the Hudson River and enjoyed the company of people we love. We drank wine and ate calamari and pasta and all the things that Italian people live for. Family, food, wine and great conversation. There is nothing better than that.

I had the great pleasure of sitting with the "boys" and it was wonderfully fun and enjoyable. We were there for hours and it once again solidified the bond of a close knit, loving and large Italian family. I am blessed to be related to each one of them. They accept me for who I am and are not judgmental. They have observed and participated in all the events in my life, both joyous and sad.  

It was a day of such mixed emotion and wonderful richness of depth. You can't have the great times without truly feeling the pain of loss. We love, we lose and we grieve and then we must accept our fate and the fate of others.

I struggled with this in regard to the illness and death of my father. I still do struggle with it and his loss has left me with a gapping wound that will never heal. I accepted his fate but it hurts nonetheless. 

The parallels of my friend, my father, terminal illness and having to accept the fate of life has rattled my week. Im sad yet so happy for all the blessings that I have in my life. I am happy that I can feel and observe and participate in a life so filled with beautiful family and phenomenal friendships. I was born into a wonderful place in time. Im grateful for all that is around me and I thank God that I can feel and love so deeply that when I lose someone I love- I lose a part of my heart.  I long to kiss my children who have now been in California with their Dad for way to long. 

It's the beauty of pain that most people don't see- I see it, I feel it and I live it daily.  Please pray for my friend. The world is a better place with a person like him in it. Count your blessings and enjoy this day.  xo

Another Goodbye....

It's Sunday morning and the smell in the air is a refreshing reminder that fall and the excitement of newness is around the bend. I feel like buying new things for my home, but hesitate to do so as there is a possibility of moving. I may however simply just take my house of the market as it certainly does not seem to be many interested buyers at this point in time. It feels like a time of renewal for me. I feel like getting rid of old and dazzling my environment just a tad. It may just be because I miss my children and Im also saddened by the loss of yet another family member. This will be the third funeral that I have to attend of a family member this summer. Saying goodbye always causes great introspection for me.

 My great uncle died at 99 years of age. I will miss his wonderful smile, kind hearted soul and handsome face. He was certainly one of the most handsome men that I have ever seen and committed. I think perhaps part of what I admired in him was the manner in which I remember him when I was under six years old. His wife Ada, was suffering from Alzheimers at the young age of fifty.  Cornelius tenderly and lovingly took care of her for over twenty years after that entirely by himself. His attention to her was admirable. He stayed by her side, he fed her and he sat with her as the memories of her life and those who loved her watch her mind fade away.

He loved her and he honored her and most of all I believe he respected her and the vows that he made as a husband. The love he had for her was unselfish and it was clear to me as a child that he adored her. I was impressed with this relationship at a very young age. 

As I spoke with my second cousin about his father yesterday, it was the first time that I mentioned to him my sentiment about his father. My vivid recollection of this relationship came as a surprise to him as I am 23 years younger than he and we have not had many conversations of such depth. Our interaction has always been loving, friendly and joking. The loss of our fathers has created a bond that I think will grow even deeper going forward. I always welcome a greater bond with family members especially as I mature.

As we struggle with the loss of those we love with our heart and soul, I think it is important to reflect upon how we each individually live our own lives. I believe it to be a great time to evaluate our own behavior and the manner in which we treat others both family, friends and strangers. When I lose someone that I love and respect, I often reflect upon the character of the person that I have lost. I think of the qualities of that person that made them so special. I try and learn from all that I admired in them. My great uncle Canay brought happiness everytime his smile lit up the room. He will rest in peace and the world indeed was a better place with a man like him in it. He will be missed but his memory will remain alive and well and he will always be remembered with a big smile. xo

Saying Goodbye

We were all at my Mother's house sitting in the sun, swimming and listening to music. I had prepared a nice spread of food and we were drinking Proseco. I was so happy to relax after a long week and then my phone rang. I was happy to see that it was my brother Stephen calling me. I dislike the fact that he and his family live in Florida as we seldom see them. I often think how wonderful it would be to have all of my family living near by. I assumed that he was calling to wish us a Happy fourth of July. He in fact was calling to deliver the sad news that a relative that we love had died in the night. I started to sob and my day of relaxation quickly turned into a very sad day.

My children were very concerned and very sweet as they ran over to me. I don't believe in hiding grief or masking it. I felt real pain and with good reason and the tears furiously rolled down my face. We just saw Joe at Giavanna's first communion. He looked great and was happy to be at another family function. I remember how sad he was when my Grandfather died and when my Father died. He could barely look at me at my Fathers funeral. I saw the sadness in his face and I could see the sadness that he felt for me. He loved my father and they shared a love of the opera, travel, history and family. The world has lost a real gentleman and I have lost a very special friend.

I have had to say goodbye to some of the most important men in my life. I have adapted to a life without a father. It is the most challenging aspect of my life. When I knew my Father had a terminal illness I did what I typically do when Im struggling internally. I bought many books on accepting illness and death and I read and read. This is what I do when Im upset. I read a wonderful book written by Alexandra Kennedy called "Losing a Parent". There was a passage in that book that comes to mind whenever I have to accept the death of someone close to me. The following poem was written by a man following the death of his father.

"When you love give it everything you've got and when you've reached your limit give it more. And forget the pain of it because if you face your death it is only the love you have given and received which will count and all the rest- the accomplishments, the struggles, the fights-- will be forgotten in your reflection. And if you have loved well then it will have been worth it and the thrill of it will last you through the end. And if you have not, death will always come too soon and be too terrible to face".

I have had the good fortune of having three of my grandparents live into their nineties and my Grandfather died at 86. They were all at my wedding and they had the opportunity to meet Christopher. My Grandmother died a month or so before I gave birth to Giavanna. I was very close to her and my Mother didn't want me to go to the wake as she thought it would be too upsetting for me. I didn't go and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I have had more upset over not going. My Mother always tried to shield me from bad news. I suppose this sense of protection toward a child lasts a lifetime.

I think grief is something that we all experience in a unique manner. Some people sob and have no difficulty expressing their grief while others bottle it all up and are stoic.
There comes a time for goodbye and our culture does little to prepare us for this. When you accept your loss healing will occur. It may take ten years before you can release yourself from the unresolved business or relationships that you had with the person who has died.
As you say goodbye the love continues and your memory will always keep that person alive.

In "Losing a Parent", I recall a woman's letter to her best friend at her mother's death. "Your mother and my mother can never leave us; the temple of their lives may change, but the theme of their vast love, still throbbing in us, will only be continuing somewhere".

Rest In Peace Joe- you were loved immensely and your memory will remain alive in my heart and in my home. xo

A Letter To My Father

Happy Father's Day !!

Time heals all wounds- Myth Number One- In fact I miss my father more and more with the passing of time. I was so incredibly close to him that his absence in my daily life has left a huge void. My father used to just stop by- I would hear the garage door open and he would saunter in here with a big friendly greeting. He usually had the latest edition of the Times or Archaelogy Today under one arm, and some sort of goodie for us in the other. He would stay for an hour and at times not say a word. He simply sat at my kitchen table and read. His presence to me was calming, friendly, sweet and protective. He knew me better than anyone and he and I were similar souls. This was not only in our demeanor but also in our positive and upbeat view of life.

He was incredibly intelligent yet down to earth and kind to everyone who crossed his path. His loyalty and love of family was readily seen and his spirit is alive through my children.
As I watch Christopher Im in awe of the similarities between he and my Father. Like Dr.Tony- he shares the same love for reading, science, math, history and exploration. He is gentle, intelligent and loyal with a heart of gold and he wants to be a Radiologist. My Dad would be thrilled.

Giavanna is also like my father in many ways- she loves music and family and her friends. She is always smiling and sweet and gentle. Her passion is laughter and making people happy. She is intelligent and truly lights people up as she delightfully tells a story. She has the same friendly nature as my father and if he saw her play her saxophone, he would love it. It is wonderful for me to see his spirit alive through my children. They talk about him all the time and his presence is continually felt in our home.

When I was 23, my father was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and my relatively happy existence became riddled with fear and anxiety. With a terminal cancer coloring the backdrop of every day- life changed for me. From the time my father was diagnosed until the day he died I lived with a dread that was present even in the happiest of moments. The black cloud of illness and suffering loomed on the horizon and I could not find peace in thinking of my world without my father present. I would cry at night and going to bed became something I dreaded.
I used to live across the street from St.Stephens Church in Boston and at times late at night I would go and sit on the stairs of the church. I would pray and sob until my stomach hurt and my eyes had cried every tear. I cherished every moment with my father and have great peace knowing that he knew how much he rocked my world -as the young kids would say. I want to share with you a letter that I wrote to him in December of 2003. This letter was placed in his hand along with some pictures in his coffin. Happy Father's Day- Please respect and love your father even if you have differences. Do not let time pass without him knowing that you love him. I did it when he was alive and and now that he has passed, it has made all the difference. I wrote the following letter in December of 2003.

A Letter To My Father,
Dear Dad- I have often found that I am best able to express myself through my writing so this Christmas I have decided to give you a gift that is truly from my heart. I have put my emotions into words and have created this letter which for me is the best gift that I have ever given you. Although you have taught me numerous lessons my entire life, I have found that I have learned the most from you as a result of your illness. Your strength, courage and spirit in the face of adversity is more than admirable. You embrace the gift of life and indulge in the beauty of life, from opera, to planting flowers to traveling to your favorite places. I truly wish that I was with you on your most recent trip to Italy as I love it there as much as you do.

I am so thankful and filled with gratitude for the wonder of simply knowing and loving you. You have always been my friend, my teacher and the man whom I have admired most in my life. Your presence has always calmed me even when no words were spoken. When Giavanna was born you came over every morning by 7 am for over a month. You brought Christopher glazed doughnuts and sat at ny kitchen table reading the paper and drinking coffee just so I could take a shower and not feel so overwhelmed.. You even packed Christopher's lunch and would drive him to nursery school. What seemed like a simple act to you, in reality is an example of how much you continually nurture all of those whom you love.

I find that I am so much like you have only discovered this in my adult life. Like you I am blessed with a love of reading, music, exploration, anthropology and a spirit for helping those in need of guidance. These are gifts that I have received from you. You are so important to all of us who have been graced with your love and wisdom. As you know, my husband lost his father at an early age and truly has considered you his father for the past five years. He often speaks of how much he admires and loves you. This you already know as he has often expressed how he strives daily to become the man that you are. How fortunate for me.
My children are delighted by the sight of you and your playful nature. Christopher has sense that you are the one who can "fix" everyone and everything. If he has a boo-boo, a bump or a toy that needs batteries, he needs to call "Dr.Tony". At such a young age, he has realized how nurturing you are and it is extremely endearing. Giavanna gushes when she sees you and has been blessed with a big, happy smile similar to yours. I am sure that as soon as she can speak she will be requesting "Dr. Tony" for things that need "fixing".

I hope that in my actions and in my words that you are able to feel the gratitude and love that I have towards you as my father. I thank you for the father that you are, the great friend that you have become and the inspiration that you will forever be.

Love You Always- Michelle