A Sad Heart

I truly feel exhausted today not only physically but my soul is in need of soothing. The wake of my dear relative truly upset me and the two hour ride back and forth was a bit of a challenge. Everyone on Route 287 seemed to be in a huge rush and I had my Mother in the care. I have had the driving too fast lecture one too many times. Let's just say relaxing is not the word that comes to mind as I reflect on why Im so drained today.

There was one pleasant things that occurred yesterday. I reconnected with my cousins and spent wonderful time with Mark, the son of Joe who was buried today. Our families spent many a summer together at their house in Maine, our pool in Fairfield and at many piano concerts that were given by Mark. He is a very successful concert pianist as well as a wonderfully sweet and talented, bright man who is very similar in nature to his father. I had not seen him since my Father's wake when we each promised that we would keep in better touch. We both failed at keeping in touch but the bond is still there. When I saw him yesterday, I was flooded with memories and deep sadness.

It wasn't long ago that I was the grieving child, standing in a big room with a casket in it that contained my father. The surreal feeling that accompanies deep grief and the obligatory politeness and conversation that occurs. I tried to comfort him and in fact we were comforting each other. I tried to hold back my sadness but it proved impossible. He was hurting and distraught and I was as well.

My Father and his Father were very close. They were both extremely intelligent, generous, engaging, family men who protected, provided and guided in the most wonderful manner. They both loved Lincoln Center and would often run into each other at the Opera. They shared a love of travel, culture, music and science. They were in my eyes- true gentleman who were the type of men I strive to raise my son Christopher in likeness of.

Although my Uncle graciously read my father's Eulogy- I recall wanted to write the last line of it. I remember it well.

"So, how do we say goodbye to someone we love? We don't, we simply say thank you for the memories, thank you for the priviledge of sharing your life, and thank you for the profound lessons taught to all of us by the kind of person you were".."

As I struggle today internally, this line which I wrote to comfort myself at my father's funeral-continues to help me in the present. Yesterday, as the priest was delivering the prayers for Joe, I was so moved by the words that he used when describing him. He spoke of Joe's intelligence and success and his wonderful spirit of generosity.
He gave of himself and of his resources to organizations such as St. Jude's Children's Hospital and to others in need. He had a great big generous heart and Im quite sure that he was so proud of his accomplishments and his family.
The priest used the word Harmony in describing his life. Joe was indeed accomplished and successful but he also cared for others in the most loving manner. He was unselfish, spiritual and kind-hearted. He was the type of person that we should all strive to be.

Harmony now has a new meaning to me. I look forward to not feeling so heavy-hearted. I will also take the advice of the priest and strive to be like these two wonderful examples of Mankind. I hope that they are enjoying each other's company-together- as I know they are also filled with regret that they are no longer with the people who adore them. xo