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Friday, October 21, 2011

Photos and Love Lost

I couldn't sleep last night which is nothing new and probably has to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the process of going to sleep. I think too much and the quietness of the forest along with the darkness of the night creates the perfect environment for thought.

 Last night I was wrapped up in the thought of going back to court with my ex husband which I will be doing this Monday. While Im not looking forward to the process, it is simply time to reevaluate what is being brought or in fact not brought to the table. I do not enjoy conflict which is why I suppose I have waited for over two years, but the time seemed right and I am ready.  Im representing myself in court which is quite an experience. Im speaking on my own behalf and bringing to the table my knowledge of what I have been studying since I first filed for divorce five years ago.

The process is anything but fun and can at times be frustrating and annoying. It can simply bring out the worst in a person, if you let it. Tempers flare and feelings that were once loving and affectionate are now brimming with anger and disgust. I always wonder how a relationship can turn so easily but it truly can. I think the scary part is that as it turns to new found negative feelings, one can hardly remember the loving feelings. I have to look at photographs to confirm that I actually did have - at one point- very positive feelings toward my ex-husband. The pictures look great, we look excited and loving toward each other.

The last time he visited I made him get in a photo with all of us because every single year- each child is asked to bring in a photo of the family. I was tired of scrambling to assemble pictures of us not together so I decided this year would be different.  We were all together at Giavanna's first communion so I figured the timing was perfect. The photograph was taken by a friend, we looked like it was some kind of torture to stand next to each other. He more than I- I suppose this is because I was doing it for my children, he must have thought he was doing me a favor.  The point being is that pictures always speak a thousand words.

I was half smiling, he was stiff and it looked nothing like a photo that would have been taken six years ago. It's not that long of a period if you think about it- from loving affection to obvious discomfort almost like two strangers that were forced together in a picture and told to act like they knew each other.  It is very interesting to me and I personally know that relationships can change like the seasons.  Right now, the season in or relationship would be winter.

Im going to a wedding this weekend. I can't wait to celebrate the second marriage of a cousin that deserves happiness and fulfillment in her  life. She has spent the past years giving of herself to her children and family and now it is her time to soar.  She went through a challenging divorce and adjustment.   Her new life includes marrying a fantastic man, living in a high rise in a beautiful city and owning a country home in Connecticut. Her dream came true and she is in her fifties. The pain of divorce is now behind her and she is   headed toward contentment and calm, along with excitement.

The photographs from this weekend will be filled with happiness and delight. Those are the pictures that we all need more of in our life. Wish me luck this upcoming week. xo

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