To Those I Cherish The Most- My Friends

" Friendship is not something that is learned in school, and if you have not learned it- You have learned Nothing At All. "

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I love and respect all of my friendships.  They add to my life in a meaningful and purposeful way. The awesome part of it is that each one brings to me great value. It is in the form of love, laughter, intellect, challenge, truth, awareness, forgiveness and it goes on.

Each relationship has come to me as a gift and I treat my friends as such, at least I know that I put great effort in doing so.

The other day I made a new friend. I have known her as an acquaintance for years, our children go to school together. We were always friendly but never  sat down and had any depth of conversation. That was until Wednesday late afternoon.  I walked into a nail salon I had never visited. I wanted to get a quick polish change and be on my way. 

What transpired actually caught me off guard. I was certainly happy to say hello to this person but when she we started sharing her views and her interests –  it was friendship at first sight.

Did you ever meet someone who you immediately clicked with?

She and I are born in the same month, we have the same approach to parenting and enjoying life.We are both happy and gregarious, and we don’t sleep very much.  It was as if I were having a conversation with myself, we simply view life through the same pair of glasses. It was lovely and fun, and I know I will have a great friendship with her that will last the test of time. 

 My grandmother always said  you have to be a friend to have a friend. I have taken that advice and put it into practice-  Friendships, really great friendships take effort.

Great friends are happy for you when you are successful. They cry when you are shedding tears. They help you, they teach you and they are not jealous of you. 

They do not share your despair behind your back and they stick up for you should they hear negative words being said about you. They love you as if you are related by blood.

I have learned over time who my true friends are. It always strikes a sad chord in me when I think of those who have disappointed me. It could be from lack of continuity, lack of true support, lack of genuine happiness when my life is flowing beautifully.

 Oh, sure they will act concerned with the questioning and the appearance of sympathy alas…. it is never followed up with anything constructive. They are basically noisy people looking for gossip, in search of your flaws as they don’t want to concentrate on their own.

They are the ones that always answer in the affirmative about their own lives, they never have a problem, an issue, an annoying husband or other grievances that most “normal” people have. I have been friends with these people and now recognize a particular personality trait that is fluid. None of them ever have a thing to complain about, ever.

They live in Pleasantville in a world of perfection and happiness. There are zero flaws in their world.

Im extremely happy and outgoing and while I typically have an air of optimism looming around me, I am real. I will tell you about the challenge of being divorced and of raising children solo. The disappointment of the fairy tale not ending as I had assumed it would. The difficulty of watching a parent succumb to cancer, of having to say goodbye to my Father.

 The challenge of being a part of the sandwich generation with no family around and having to be present and fully giving of all of myself for those around me. 

I have a great life but it is not without certain challenges.

Fortunately I see challenges and difficulty as part of the natural flow of life. Without these difficulties we would remain stagnant and our spirit would not arise to a richer level. I have lived, I have hurt and I have let go. I truly understand that no one has a great life every single day.

 I can’t be friends with someone who has the perfect life simply because they aren’t being real or true to themselves. I don’t need to hear complaints but if you know someone for over three years and they have never had a bad day- something is simply unnatural.

So my dear friends, who I love and cherish- I thank you for being part of my life. I thank you for your smiles, your tears, your challenges and the connection that I will continue to nurture. You have enriched my life greatly. xo

Fall, Frustrations and Former Spouses xo

The children went back to school and everyone is happy with their teacher, new schools, friends and expectations of the pending year.  Im happy as well, although along with the beginning of school year there is an expectation that I hold for myself that brings along additional stress. The end of summer means it is time to buckle up and get on schedule. This for me is an important time as I tend to be an orderly person - type A most of the way.

 This is a huge reason why my marriage failed. It is impossible to live with someone in harmony when your approach to life and issues is of polar opposite. Yes, opposites attract - but raising children and dealing with the issues of life become impossible if you are not in sync.
Im very happy to be divorced and have the ability to have sole custody of my children. This is a rarity and not having to see my ex more than once in a great while is also very helpful. I truly believe that the stability and constant rootedness that I have provided for my children, has in fact been a main component in their steady success in school and in life.

While I rarely share the intimate details of my former marriage and contentious relationship of my divorce, this morning I find myself having to release the annoyance and since Im a writer…. I always feel better writing about my life.
 In the past few months I have candidly shared with strangers my take on life, my personal experiences and things that many would never share with anyone. Im blessed that I have the gift of personal security and a very strong sense of who I am.

 My father gave me the gift of confidence that I shall surely pass on to my children. It has allowed me to make decisions, live my life and forge ahead with a sense that I don't need the approval of the world. I also do not need the involvement of anyone to make my own decisions. It is a wonderful sense of independence that can only be baked in when one is in the formative years. Self-help, the desire to change, etc… can assist one,  however when it comes naturally- it truly is a gift.

Therefore I will share with you the fact that I am utterly frustrated right now by a simple texting session that I had with my former husband. Our differences shine through with every single issue. I say Black, he says White and while we were alway opposites, now that we are divorced the barrier has become even more challenging. I parent differently, I view life differently as well as live my life is an extremely different manner.  I thought being divorced would enable me the freedom to no longer deal with these differences.

Had we not had children together this would be the case but any shared issued… and this was something as basic as buying a bike- truly becomes a sparring ground and it is exhausting. I have often been told that I have the role-model divorce. This statement often comes from those who are married which is always humorous to me. It goes along with the statement "Im just like a single mom"- coming from women who deal with the household as their husbands are out earning a successful living.  I cringe when I hear this for a whole host of reasons that would never be known unless you were a divorced parent.

I suppose the reason we get divorced is the reason why we can't really be friends with our ex-spouses. While I have known a few to be friends, it is the exception to the rule. We no longer like the person that we married, we no longer feel the love that once flowed from our veins and as time progresses I find the friendship diminishes as well. A sad but true fact of my life. I now believe that I have only truly been in love no more than three times thus far. I only know this because the relationship did not end with the love affair but rather morphed into a beautiful non-sexual friendship. In my mind, this is proof that my love was true, sincere and deep.  Perhaps the break up's were different. Whatever the reason, Im blessed to have had all the experiences that I have had thus far.

Some have been terrific and heartwarming while others have been challenging and difficult. They have all help mold me, strengthen me and helped me grow. If you can see the beauty in the difficulties of your life and grow from them then you will continue to soar. Let go of frustration and embrace the endurance of your soul. No matter how challenging, if you forge ahead with confidence and faith, I believe life will provide you with all that you could possibly need or desire. As George Michael sings "You Gotta Have Faith". xo