In My Heart

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 
― Anne Lamott

I went to St. Pius Church last Sunday, it was the 10:30 Mass and it was offered for my father so it was important to me that I attend.

 I sat next to my Mother in the front row of the church and was very pensive. I glanced at my Mom and felt sad for her and thought about how challenging the past nine years have been for her. To lose a spouse who was so loving and enthusiastic about life is a very sad thing. I looked at her frail body and thought of all that she has endured since he died- breast cancer, broken ribs, a hip replacement, a broken arm, depression and more. As she sat quietly, I studied her hands as I find the aging process on hands particularly striking.  I thought of her mother and father and how many people we have had to say goodbye to in the past few years.

I have been attending this church since I was two years old. It is the place where I made my first communion, my confirmation and all other spiritual passings.

 I was married there, my children were baptized there and I attended my father’s funeral there. As I sat there yesterday, memories flooded my mind as I actually remember what I used to think about when I was a young girl attending Mass.

 I would observe all the beautiful young families and I wanted what they had. I wanted a family and a husband and as most young girls do… I dreamt of how fulfilling that picture would be.

I pictured my ex and I exchanging vows as our family and friends celebrated with us. I thought of the baptism of my son Christopher and the beauty of having all of my Grandparents present for that very special day. 

 I pictured myself walking down the aisle behind my father’s casket and recalled the sadness that was invoked in the faces of my friends and relatives as my loud sobbing filled the church. It was as if no one was making a sound and the echo of my crying was amplified. I was immersed in a grief so raw and sad and I allowed myself to feel it despite the looks from my family to “maintain composure”.

All of these memories were present yesterday as I  sat with an internal sadness for the loss of my father and the loss of a marriage.  I thought of how proud my father would have been of my children and gave thanks for all the beauty that is present in my life. As children, we anticipate and we dream of what are lives will be and as we mature we have to embrace the reality of what is.

 Im continually seeking all that satisfies me internally. Im mindful of the losses and sadness that I have experienced and I have learned to accept and embrace all of those happenings. I have learned from these many lessons and challenges and I have grown.  I suppose this is what maturity is- learning to accept and let go of things while remaining hopeful and optimistic that life will continually provide you with what you need.

It was a sad morning but I know that my Father would want nothing more than to see me happy. As I left the church I observed a man who resembled my dad and smiled. 

I smile all the time thinking of the way my father approached life. He was always happy, generous, loving and curious. He left me with a beautiful example of how to live and for that Im forever grateful. I just wish he were still here. xo