Memories of Love

I have memories — but only a fool stores his past in the future. ~David Gerrold


I love getting rid of things. I have been on a mission to minimize the "stuff" of my life. Endless boxes of clothing, toys, jewelry, shoes and books have been passed on to everyone from family, babysitters, friends to Dress for Success and Goodwill.

 I have always had a great love of fashion and this runs in my family. My closet is a mini-version of my Mother's- those of you who have seen it- know what Im talking about- for the rest of you- probably best if you did not....you may think I have enough to open a store front on Main Street in Westport. I take great enjoyment in giving away items that I don't like- or in most cases have not worn. Many things still have tags on them so Im not giving away tattered things.  If I have a really great outfit- I would much rather pass it on to friends or family that I know will appreciate it. Once in awhile I come across a photo or a letter that stirs me, this happened last week.  I  found  a little book that I wrote to my ex husband. It stirred up many emotions- it was a tiny book that I had written to share the news of my pregnancy with him. I was happy to find it smiled as I read it.

It was arranged so that there were two sentences on each page. It read as follows:

Copyright 2002
For My Daddy
Written by Christopher
Ghostwriter: Mommy

La Dolci Vita

Dear Daddy- Since Mommy began writing again, it has inspired her creativity -I have to go along with her silly ideas like this one. Mommy made me write this little story so please listen closely as she reads it to you. 

My most vivid memory was in my Mommy's belly. I remember hearing music all the time. While she was showering, driving or cooking, there was always music playing. From Mozart to Disco to L.L. Cool J. it was more than obvious that my mother enjoyed music. I also recall her always cooking and you always saying that you loved eating. Food and music were a constant. 

Then I was Born into this world and into your family. I observed with my own eyes the love of music, the love of food but what was most apparent to me was the love that was expressed between you and Mommy. 

I knew at that moment that my life would be sweet and happy because my parents were so full of love and happiness. I am so proud to have you as my Daddy and I can only express my thanks for all of the love that you bring to our family each day. It makes it nice to know that my future siblings will also be blessed with such loving parents. So let me be the one to tell you... are you ready for the exciting news? I hope so because my mommy is Pregnant- Congratulations Daddy- I love you so much and I can't wait to be a big brother

The End

Love
Christopher Alexander.....

The above little book distracted me for the obvious reasons. I had written this only 11 years ago  and what a turn my life has taken. 

As I read and reflect back on words that were written- not that long ago- Im so amazed at the disconnect of emotion. How could such a profound letter about love and family and happiness end with a divorce. Clearly I did feel all of those things- I was content and viewed my husband and family in a very loving and favorable manner.

 I have moved on from my marriage so it took much energy to bring back the thought of a time when I could have written a letter filled with so much love.

I know that my relationship with my ex was loving and positive for at least eight years. We were genuinely happy and we often spoke of our good fortune in many areas.

 Life however  affected our marriage- births, deaths- a difference in how we approach life. 

Laid back versus more More serious- all of these issues can kill the love and friendship in a marriage. I have to say that the breakdown of our marriage was due to many stressors - all very intense- on top of a real difference in shared coping skills. 

If you don't see life through the same lens- it can be overwhelmingly challenging and frustrating. A beautiful union can turn frustrating  in a short period of time.

Im happy that my ex and I have maintained an ability to co exist when in each others company.  I think we are both happy souls by nature and enjoy life so we lean towards the positive. Perhaps this is simply because we live in different states and we don't share the experience of parenting together. 

He calls often and loves his children but the truth is- Im the one who does everything. As Christopher said when he was five- "you are the mom-dad".  He said this as I was lugging ten -fifty pound bags of potassium chloride from my trunk to the water filtration system in the basement. 

Cute- but a noteworthy and accurate observation of a five year old boy watching his mother tend to all things. I am the mom-dad and Im very happy to manage both roles.

As we clear out the past to prepare for the future, we can not help but be taken aback by a day long ago when life was different. 

People die, relationships end and they also begin. The closed door always opens a bigger door. The opening may not appear right away but when it does, euphoria sets in and all is well again. Embrace change- even if it feels bad- know that it will pass and you truly will emerge stronger and more seasoned. Your character will be defined and the experience will simply be a short chapter in the book of your life.

I don't care how old you are- surprises and change are forever around the corner. Don't fear it as it truly does all work out in some fashion- and you will find peace if you are open to being positive - and as my Dad used to frequently say - "This too shall pass". Im here to tell you that indeed it will. xo