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Monday, August 22, 2011

Love, Marriage and Mothers

Someone please restore my faith in the idea that someone can be wonderfully, happily married to a person that they are madly in love with. However, you have to be married longer than five years in order to satisfy my confirmation.

A therapist once told me that the wonderful feeling of being in love lasts exactly 18 months. After that the relationship turns into something else. Boo- it's the something else that I don't like. Personally I  love the feeling of being in love with someone. I love that giddy feeling of not being able to fall asleep because you are so excited. I enjoy the planning and anticipation of what the future will hold. I imagine all the places we will travel and picture this person interacting with my friends and family.  Im thrilled when I feel so completely peaceful, loved and excited.

Then POW… 18 months later…. it turns into something else. The amazing aspects of your new lover are compounded by the disappointment of the illusion of perfection. Darn it !!  Alice was indeed correct- Im not even sure those feelings of falling in love last 18 months… I personally think it might be just short of a year.
All kidding aside, Im mature enough to know that you can't feel all goofy and excited all the time with the reality of our busy lives. There are too many stressors with family, the stock market, health issues, parents etc… to live in such a fantasy world. So, perhaps the idea of being madly in love is a myth. Or perhaps Im just jaded as Im divorced and it seems to me that I meet more people who are disenchanted with their marriages. I love meeting happily married people. I wish it would happen more often.

Where is my motivation to get remarried. I can name eight extremely happy married couples and after that.. I come up short. My Mother has many friends that are happily married but Im speaking about those from 35 to 50.

My cousin, who is in her twenties told me that some of her friends were starting to get married and it brought back memories. I can remember when I was 27 and some of my friends were starting to get married. It was an exciting time and I can recall thinking that I too should start thinking about it.  I met my ex at the end of my 27th year and we were married at 29.  I had Christopher when I was 31 and then Giavanna at 34. My timeline worked out beautifully however my marriage did not.  The divorce was not part of the plan or even a thought when I was 29.

I remember my Mother discussing our relationship with my ex.  He had driven to CT to ask my father for my hand. I recall my father dialing me up the night before and asking me if this is what I truly desired. I told him it was indeed.   The next day, my father took my ex to our country club and they had "the discussion" about me, marriage and our desires.
My father in his lighthearted friendly manner suggested that he better now go discuss his plan with my mother… Very funny.  My ex did not realize that my Mother would be the tougher one. She is small in stature and on the pensive side. She is not boisterous or overly outgoing but she is stern.  Her upbringing was strict and the line of questioning, extremely direct.  Oh, I guess I forgot to warn him that he had to discuss this with Beverly afterwards.  It was very amusing as he did not anticipate my Mother being so aggressive in her questions. It was great material for his radio show and it all became a great topic for all of Boston and the surrounding suburbs.  Everyone heard about it!

My Mother asked him about his career. She was concerned that he would be moving all over the place as he was in entertainment.  He insisted that he was "married" to the Boston market. He assured her that we would not be moving anywhere. I told him prior to marriage that I would never leave the Northeast. I made that very- very clear. My Mother asked him about his attitude toward divorce to which he replied that Divorce is never an option.

Fast Forward nine years- a job in california and a divorce. Oh Mom…I believe I have to admit that your advice just may be worth it's weight in gold- just don't let that go to your head.

Why do parents always have to be right?  That's a story for another day. Until then I will continue to ask people if they are  happily married as Im always impressed when I hear the answer YES -of course I am!!

 I also love meeting newlyweds as I always add my two sense in.  I know what would have made my marriage successful so I think I have good insight. It gives me hope and great joy that people can experience a very happy marriage. Im sure a happy one must be delightful. xo

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