The Party Is Here!

“Silence and solitude are more distracting to me than chatter and commotion”. Marilu Henner

Im quite sure that my parents did not feel the need to entertain us all the time. Certainly they took us to New York and we went on vacations but as I recall there was plenty of time in which we had to amuse ourselves. 

It wasn’t that difficult - we had plenty of neighbors and the ability to walk outside and connect with others. 

The neighborhood provided built in outdoor fun. I can barely get my kids outside and I hardly see hoards of children playing outside so it’s hard to coax them into believing that outside is the place to be.

I guess we can blame it on modern technology and simply the manner in which we all live. I think it creates a very isolated existence and I can’t imagine that the long-term effects of that will be positive.

 I reassure myself that my children get plenty of socialization while they are in school and involvement in other activities and yet I struggle with all the “indoorness”.

 Perhaps this is just a result of having lived in a city for so long. When you live in an apartment, you tend to spend most of your time outside. There is stimuli and people around the minute you walk out the door. You are instantly engaged in life and simply walking down a crowded street to grab a cup of coffee feels like a minor event. I find the manner in which I live to be extremely lonely and yet I go out more than most of my friends. 

I felt this way when I was married as well so I cannot attribute it to being divorced.

 Perhaps its the solitude of the woods around me or the fact that I can’t walk out the door to grab anything but the paper.  I thought after ten years of living like this I would be used to it and yet there is a longing that takes a hold of me every so often. Thankfully I can hop on the train and be in New York City in under 90 minutes. I love the excitement as I approach the sites and smells of Manhattan, or any city for that matter.

Those who know me well- know that I always have the idea that there is a big party going on somewhere and Im missing out on it.

 Intellectually I know better, and yet there is always that little part inside of me that feels like Im the only one doing the mundane tasks of life. 

How ridiculous it is for me to feel that way especially when I hear others gripe about similar struggles. None of us enjoy doing laundry and cleaning our homes. We all dream of going on a nice tropical vacation complete with every type of service available to us. 

 I don’t think Im different from other people out there however it’s my own voice I hear the loudest. 

So off I go to tend to the chores of life. I will try and embrace all that I must tackle perhaps tomorrow will bring that big party. If not, I will make a fabulous plan anyhow. xo

Divorce- Love- Emotions

Marriage isn't a love affair. It isn't even a honeymoon. It's a job. A long hard job, at which both partners have to work, harder than they've worked at anything in their lives before. If it's a good marriage, it changes, it evolves, but it goes on getting better. I've seen it with my own mother and father. But a bad marriage can dissolve in a welter of resentment and acrimony. I've seen that, too, in my own miserable and disastrous attempt at making another person happy. And it's never one person's fault. It's the sum total of a thousand little irritations, disagreements, idiotic details that in a sound alliance would simply be disregarded, or forgotten in the healing act of making love. Divorce isn't a cure, it's a surgical operation, even if there are no children to consider. –Rosamunde Pilcher, “Wild Mountain Thyme”


I couldn’t sleep last night which is nothing new and probably has to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the process of going to sleep. I think too much and the quietness of the forest along with the darkness of the night creates the perfect environment for thought.

I began to think of a friend of mine who is going through a challenging divorce. I thought of the difficulty she will face in the days to come - the sense of disappointment she will soon feel that her marriage did not bring her the happiness she anticipated. I also began to think about how the divorce process simply aids in the erosion of a union which was once fun, loving, exciting and enjoyable.

The process is anything but fun and can at times be frustrating and annoying. It can simply bring out the worst in a person, if you let it.
 Tempers flare and feelings that were once loving and affectionate are now brimming with anger and disgust. I always wonder how a relationship can turn so easily but it truly can. I think the scary part is that as it turns to new found negative feelings, one can hardly remember the loving feelings. 

I have to look at photographs to confirm that I actually did have – at one point- very positive feelings toward my ex-husband. The pictures look great, we look excited and loving toward each other. I clearly enjoyed his company. 

I remember years ago when he came to visit the kids.  I asked him get in a photo with all of us because every single year- each child is asked to bring in a photo of the family. I was tired of scrambling to assemble pictures of us not together so I decided this year would be different.  We were all together at Giavanna’s first communion so I figured the timing was perfect. 

By the way if you are a teacher, this assignment is torture for a divorced family, not only for the parent but for the child as well. I actually discussed it with one of Giavanna's teachers and she was happy that I brought it to her attention. It never occurred to her that it would be anything but fun. 

The photograph was taken by a friend,  and we both were uncomfortable.  He more than I- I suppose this is because I was doing it for my children, he must have thought he was doing me a favor.  The point being is that pictures always speak a thousand words. I was standing behind Giavanna and he behind Christopher but there was a space in between us. 

I was half smiling, he was stiff and it looked nothing like a photo that would have been taken six years prior.  It’s not that long of a period if you think about it- from loving affection to obvious discomfort - like two strangers that were forced together in a picture and told to act like they knew each other. 

 It is very interesting to me and I personally know that relationships can change like the seasons.  Right now, the season in or relationship would be more or less winter with a touch of occasional Spring.

Im not sure if we ever know when exactly a relationship begins the downward spiral. We don't wake up one morning and decide to leave our marriage. I know you hear of stories where people say.. she or he just up and left. The truth is that whoever left in fact did not just up and leave. 

They were unhappy, they thought about their life and they believed that life without their spouse would bring them greater happiness. This did not happen overnight- it never does. 

For those of you have experienced divorce, you are familiar with my words. To those who think that staying in a marriage is the tougher path to follow- you clearly have not gone through the divorce process. The grass has been greener for me but if you can save your marriage I would certainly recommend that you do so. 

Have a nice weekend. xo

You're Getting Divorced?

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage." Ambrose Bicke

I ran into a friend of mine this weekend who I had not seen in quite some time. It came to a slight surprise to me to learn that she is going through a divorce. There are certain couples who just seem right together, this to me was one of those couples. I however know that when the doors are shut, we never really know whether a couple is happy or not.  You may think you know but you truly do not. I spent some time with her as I could tell that she was craving someone who understood the dark and empty place that she was currently living in. 

http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/faq/emotional/who-initiates-divorce-men-or-women.html

Divorce is incredibly taxing, stressful and disturbing on every level. It makes no difference if you want it, your spouse wants it or you both agree to it.

Holidays and Ex-spouses

As the Holiday Season nears I find that Im always in a very introspective mood.  I tend to reflect on my family and the goals and aspirations that I have as an individual. I think about the environment of celebration and family life that I am providing for my children.  I think about my failed marriage and the decisions that I have made for myself and for my family.

It is well documented that divorced families have many more challenges during the Holiday Season. Certainly the typical stressors are present but add to them a blended family or absent parents and the pressure to create the perfect Holiday escalates. My ex moved across the country when my children were three and five, we are used to decorating and celebrating Christmas without him. It's been over five years now and we have crafted our celebrations with family and friends, and we all have a wonderful time.

divorcesupport.about.com/od/holidayblues/qt/SurvHolidays.htm

It's different, it is simply not the picture that I had in mind. There's a sadness that I do not allow to overwhelm me however it does drift in and out during this period.
The dream of the happily ever after didn't work out for me.
 If anyone ever told me in my twenties that I would live on four acres raising two children alone I would have laughed and proclaimed that Im not signing on to that - absolutely not.  Im such a family-oriented person-  "I would never get divorced."

Famous last words I suppose.  Never say never as life presents us with situations that we do not anticipate or foresee. Perhaps if we knew the future and all of it's challenges, we would be better prepared. We certainly would eliminate the word never from our vocabulary. We would not be so judgmental of others.

Yesterday, my daughter and I went shopping for her Father. She really wanted to get him an ornament this year. Thankfully her heart is open and so incredibly sweet so off we went.  The ornament she chose was adorable and when I asked her what she wanted to write on it- she said let's write  "Daddy, Sarah, Giavanna, Christopher, Kitty and Flea- Do you want to be on it too Mommy?"  Sarah is my ex's current wife and Kitty and Flea are their cats. They live across the country and my kids see her once a year.

If my life were a sitcom this would be the moment that I would grit my teeth, produce a fake smile and look right into the camera.  Instead, I warmly smiled at my daughter and said no thank you but thank you for  thinking of me.
It's moments like this that I feel very proud of many things. First and foremost that I have produced kind and sensitive children that are mindful of other people's feelings. The other person that I am proud of is myself.  My non-reactive, do what's in the best interest of my children's mental health mentality that truly encourages my children to thrive as well as have healthy relationships.

 I think it is extraordinarily important for divorced parents to encourage their children to have positive and successful relationships with both parents. For the sake of your children's well-being and mental health, bite your tongue, stop your eyes from rolling and be mature. You are doing them a disservice if you do not respect your former spouse. You don't have to adore them but rise to the occasion and be mindful of the enormous impact either positive or negative that will result from your behavior.

We went home after our ornament shopping and  Giavanna and I wrapped up the ornament. It is symbolic of another family, one that I am not part of. It's under our tree in anticipation of a visit from their father and Im quite sure that he will love her thoughtfulness. I can't help but think that he will also appreciate my positive encouragement of how my daughter wants to express her love. I continually strive for peace in every aspect of my life and it makes all the difference. I see that in the happy faces of my children. xo

A Man's Job

Im not saying that lugging a six foot tree into our family room is a man's job however I could have used a hand yesterday.  As I fought with the branches and scratched my arms I thought of my ex husband. He used to delight in this event. He loved to decorate the trees and string up the lighting around our home.  This was "his" job and I was happy to give it to him.  It's  not that I don't enjoy decorating, he simply enjoyed it more than I and why deprive him of his fun.

www.divorcecare.org/holidays/articles/celebratingchristmas


Needless to say, this has been my job now for the past five years. Yesterday when the lights from last year didn't work, I had to run out in my pink Juicy sweats and zebra flip-flops to finish the job. I was at the Rite Aid in Monroe, praying that I wouldn't run into anyone from Easton. Mission accomplished, I escaped with only a few strange stares from strangers- whatever.
  All of this made me think of the everything that Im now solely responsible for as a single parent with an ex living in California. Overall the distance simplifies my life, but yesterday I admit to feeling sorry for myself. It was momentary and fleeting but I did feel it and it saddened me ever so slightly.

This morning I shared this fleeting sentiment with my friend Stephen. He quickly put the fire out on my pity-party as he views me in the highest of regard. He admires my strength as a single mother and sees me as a  talented young woman with a wonderful handle on life and it's challenges. Thank you Stephen for not allowing me to get down. At times, we simply need one person from the outside to say a few words to set us straight.

 I won't lie, I miss decorating for Christmas as a team and part of married couple. There are few aspects of marriage that I miss but clearly this one strikes a cord in me.  This is  not what I had in mind as I often say.

As I write this I am now over it, the thoughts passed and Im proud that I accomplished all that needed to be done by myself. The tree looks beautiful and my children are well and very happy. Our home looks festive and celebratory.  At the moment,  everyone is healthy and we are more blessed than many people in the world around us.

The Grass Isn't Greener- It's Simply Different

The Grass isn't Greener it's simply different. That was the last thing I said to my friend as I bid her farewell and she jumped back on the train headed back to Manhattan.   I have not seen her in 2 years but we speak all the time and Im well aware of her unhappy marriage.  She is in her early forties with two young children and she has a great job. To the outside world, it appears that she has the world by the tail.  Not only is she beautiful but she has a great job and she lives on the Upper East Side.  Her children go to private school, she has an au pair and her husband is a successful attorney.  Most women would envy what appears to be a marvelous existence but she is miserable and has been for years.

Photos and Love Lost

I couldn't sleep last night which is nothing new and probably has to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the process of going to sleep. I think too much and the quietness of the forest along with the darkness of the night creates the perfect environment for thought.

 Last night I was wrapped up in the thought of going back to court with my ex husband which I will be doing this Monday. While Im not looking forward to the process, it is simply time to reevaluate what is being brought or in fact not brought to the table. I do not enjoy conflict which is why I suppose I have waited for over two years, but the time seemed right and I am ready.  Im representing myself in court which is quite an experience. Im speaking on my own behalf and bringing to the table my knowledge of what I have been studying since I first filed for divorce five years ago.

Welcome To Divorce Court

If I have said this once I have said it one hundred times. Divorce does not end the relationship with your ex if you have children… sigh…. who knew.  I suppose I didn't give it much thought as I entered the court room the first time four years ago.  I remember looking forward to the court date with anxiety and anticipation- knowing that it would be a great relief once it was all behind me.

Fast forward four years and Im preparing for another meeting with my ex husbands attorney and it seems to me- I will be back in the court room in the near future. I suspect this aspect of divorce is the one that I never anticipated. I always thought once the divorce was final, it was final. It is never final if you have children. Modifications and Stipulations are words that I never really paid much mind to. They now flow freely into my conversations and I know exactly what they mean. My knowledge of the law is great and I find the judicial system extremely interesting and sensible.

Im not a lawyer nor have I had experience working in a law firm or so.  I do however have intelligence and a sense of honesty as well as the confidence that I can speak on my own behalf. The court room can be intimidating if you allow it to be. Lawyers can be intimidating if you allow them to be.  Life can be intimidating if one allows it to be. It is situations such as mine that challenge our sense of confidence and ability.  I represent myself- I have studied the law and understand family law.  I have consulted with attorneys but when the day comes where the case is being presented before a judge Im the one who has to present my case and argue it on my own behalf. Im not sure that my personality would allow someone speaking on my behalf about my own life. That thought does not sit well with me.

This experience has enriched my belief in  my own capability and intelligence.  It has challenged me to expand beyond my comfort zone and it has given me the belief that I can conquer many aspects of life with confidence. I tend to move through my fears as opposed to sitting and worrying about them. It is not always the simplest thing to do but it truly is the only way to conquer those things that create anxiety for us.

This process has made me think about going to law school. I think it would be a very satisfying career as I would definitely select family law.  Since I have been through the process, beginning, end and modifications- I think I have a very good grasp on the system. I think it would be difficult, rewarding, challenging and interesting. What a fabulous combination - perhaps in my next life. xo

What Are You Wearing?

What are you wearing?  Gentleman, I truly hate to burst your bubble but if you are on the phone or chatting over the computer with a woman that you want to be with- spare her. The "What Are You Wearing question is a turnoff. Yes, at times you will hear that we are indeed just hanging out with our silk boxers and high heels and double pearls dangling around our bare breasts…. but overall - this is NOT a turn on for women.

My friends and I were having lunch yesterday. A group of very different, beautiful and intelligent fun woman. We were laughing so hard about the fact that they are all often asked this very question. It doesn't just come from any type of man but rather most of them. Yes, we understand that men claim that they are visual and I know this is a newsflash- so are women. We want to see strappingly handsome men in beautiful clothing just as much as men want gorgeous women in skimpy clothing.www.gq.com/

  Men and Women are very different in many respects but alarmingly the same in others. We are just wiser in what we divulge to to the world.

Fall, Frustrations and Former Spouses xo

The children went back to school and everyone is happy with their teacher, new schools, friends and expectations of the pending year.  Im happy as well, although along with the beginning of school year there is an expectation that I hold for myself that brings along additional stress. The end of summer means it is time to buckle up and get on schedule. This for me is an important time as I tend to be an orderly person - type A most of the way.

 This is a huge reason why my marriage failed. It is impossible to live with someone in harmony when your approach to life and issues is of polar opposite. Yes, opposites attract - but raising children and dealing with the issues of life become impossible if you are not in sync.
Im very happy to be divorced and have the ability to have sole custody of my children. This is a rarity and not having to see my ex more than once in a great while is also very helpful. I truly believe that the stability and constant rootedness that I have provided for my children, has in fact been a main component in their steady success in school and in life.

While I rarely share the intimate details of my former marriage and contentious relationship of my divorce, this morning I find myself having to release the annoyance and since Im a writer…. I always feel better writing about my life.
 In the past few months I have candidly shared with strangers my take on life, my personal experiences and things that many would never share with anyone. Im blessed that I have the gift of personal security and a very strong sense of who I am.

 My father gave me the gift of confidence that I shall surely pass on to my children. It has allowed me to make decisions, live my life and forge ahead with a sense that I don't need the approval of the world. I also do not need the involvement of anyone to make my own decisions. It is a wonderful sense of independence that can only be baked in when one is in the formative years. Self-help, the desire to change, etc… can assist one,  however when it comes naturally- it truly is a gift.

Therefore I will share with you the fact that I am utterly frustrated right now by a simple texting session that I had with my former husband. Our differences shine through with every single issue. I say Black, he says White and while we were alway opposites, now that we are divorced the barrier has become even more challenging. I parent differently, I view life differently as well as live my life is an extremely different manner.  I thought being divorced would enable me the freedom to no longer deal with these differences.

Had we not had children together this would be the case but any shared issued… and this was something as basic as buying a bike- truly becomes a sparring ground and it is exhausting. I have often been told that I have the role-model divorce. This statement often comes from those who are married which is always humorous to me. It goes along with the statement "Im just like a single mom"- coming from women who deal with the household as their husbands are out earning a successful living.  I cringe when I hear this for a whole host of reasons that would never be known unless you were a divorced parent.

I suppose the reason we get divorced is the reason why we can't really be friends with our ex-spouses. While I have known a few to be friends, it is the exception to the rule. We no longer like the person that we married, we no longer feel the love that once flowed from our veins and as time progresses I find the friendship diminishes as well. A sad but true fact of my life. I now believe that I have only truly been in love no more than three times thus far. I only know this because the relationship did not end with the love affair but rather morphed into a beautiful non-sexual friendship. In my mind, this is proof that my love was true, sincere and deep.  Perhaps the break up's were different. Whatever the reason, Im blessed to have had all the experiences that I have had thus far.

Some have been terrific and heartwarming while others have been challenging and difficult. They have all help mold me, strengthen me and helped me grow. If you can see the beauty in the difficulties of your life and grow from them then you will continue to soar. Let go of frustration and embrace the endurance of your soul. No matter how challenging, if you forge ahead with confidence and faith, I believe life will provide you with all that you could possibly need or desire. As George Michael sings "You Gotta Have Faith". xo

Commitment phobic

It seems to me that the tables have turned. Women it seems, are more commitment phobic than ever before. I was reading an article in Women's health that covered this very topic and I found it to be of great interest. Apparently in a survey conducted by Match. com, men are more anxious to have children, spend their free time with a spouse and have children.  Men apparently crave together time.  All of this does not come as a surprise to me.

In our society men are perceived as being less eager to commit. I have never found this to be the case and in fact the men the men that  I have befriended, dated or had relationships with have all been rather interested in spending most of their time with me.  In regard to marriage, I have yet to meet a man who never wants to get married and have children.  I think it's a misconception and I have cracked the code gentleman. 

Love and Pain

I was ten minutes late to my great uncle's funeral. 

Im usually punctual but Monday morning I was thinking about marketing and sales ideas. Im working with a group of wonderfully smart and talented women. I was hired by Susan Wakefield, a family lawyer of 22 years and her business manager, Susanne. They have a very interesting concept that I have experienced first hand. The business is called Connecticut Legal Coaching, LLC and is located in Southport CT. 

  Legal Coaching is for individuals who want to represent themselves in family court, yet they need or desire legal advice to help empower themselves and arm themselves with a real solid legal foundation.  I recently had to modify my divorce agreement and wanted a legal coach. I found Susan immediately and my experience with her office has been wonderful. Im so happy to be working with them as I believe in the concept and I have lived the results. If anyone living in Connecticut needs their services please call Susanne at 203-292-9222 or email her at info@ctlegalcoaching.com   

Or, contact me as Im happy to discuss the process and introduce you to them. Anyhow...........back to Monday.

With my wheels spinning about ideas that I have along with my lack of thinking about my "funeral" outfit, I was in a rush. I had to be there for an eleven am service which was in Peekskill New York. I looked at the clock and gasped when I realized I would only have time for a fifteen minute shower and dressing. Okay, I can swing that- five in the shower and ten for the rest. I have been told that I take the shortest amount of time to get ready than most women. 

I usually end up putting the finishing touches on in the car but whatever-Im fast!!  I rushed out of my house and of course my Mother calls and wants to chat and then my cell phone rings and another friend needs to chat and now Im slightly later. I sped down 84- praying that I would not hit traffic. I was a half hour away when my phone rang. 

It was one of my best friends who had very bad news to deliver to me.  Someone who is dear to me was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease. I was driving, rushing and devastated. I felt like someone kicked me in the throat and I immediately wanted to cry but I did not. I listened to the details and hung up quickly as there was alot of traffic Monday morning.  

This person is someone that my father introduced me to and I took to him immediately. His intelligence, warmth, humor, compassion and overall everything appealed to me. He is a wonderful man with whom I have a wonderful connection. We have never been romantically involved however at another point in time- this is someone that I would have absolutely connected with.  As the song goes- It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"- Now mind you if I actually dated him- I might be singing a very different tune.

The point is Im now struggling with this news. I arrived at  my Uncle's funeral and when I looked at his casket I was so sad. The finality of life and the ritual of a funeral are so incredibly poignant. I was deeply moved by my two gorgeous cousins- Arielle played the flute while Allie sang and it was incredibly meaningful. Arielle gave a wonderful tribute to him and I held back my tears. 

I observed the siblings of Cornelius- all in their nineties and looking terrific. They are cut from a cloth that is strong, intense, intellectual and steadfast. Their family means the world to them and they to their family.  I looked at their children- my mother's generation and then of course to my cousins. I was moved as I thought of my great grandparents who came here from Italy for their family. What joy they would have to see the beauty of such a close family, rooted by and connected by tradition. 

 What delight they would take in seeing the success of so many of their offspring. I won't even mention the sense of style and love of fashion that flows through the veins of the D'Aprile family.  I don't have to wonder where my pleasure of clothing originates from.  The men in this family are wonderfully handsome and kindhearted especially one that despite his east coast Wall Street exterior- dreams of being outwest. I have a feeling if it were long ago, he would have been a rugged cowboy!

The funeral was sad and then we all went to a beautiful restaurant on the Hudson River and enjoyed the company of people we love. We drank wine and ate calamari and pasta and all the things that Italian people live for. Family, food, wine and great conversation. There is nothing better than that.

I had the great pleasure of sitting with the "boys" and it was wonderfully fun and enjoyable. We were there for hours and it once again solidified the bond of a close knit, loving and large Italian family. I am blessed to be related to each one of them. They accept me for who I am and are not judgmental. They have observed and participated in all the events in my life, both joyous and sad.  

It was a day of such mixed emotion and wonderful richness of depth. You can't have the great times without truly feeling the pain of loss. We love, we lose and we grieve and then we must accept our fate and the fate of others.

I struggled with this in regard to the illness and death of my father. I still do struggle with it and his loss has left me with a gapping wound that will never heal. I accepted his fate but it hurts nonetheless. 

The parallels of my friend, my father, terminal illness and having to accept the fate of life has rattled my week. Im sad yet so happy for all the blessings that I have in my life. I am happy that I can feel and observe and participate in a life so filled with beautiful family and phenomenal friendships. I was born into a wonderful place in time. Im grateful for all that is around me and I thank God that I can feel and love so deeply that when I lose someone I love- I lose a part of my heart.  I long to kiss my children who have now been in California with their Dad for way to long. 

It's the beauty of pain that most people don't see- I see it, I feel it and I live it daily.  Please pray for my friend. The world is a better place with a person like him in it. Count your blessings and enjoy this day.  xo

Engaged !

I had the pleasure of seeing cousins and family from near and far yesterday as I attended the wake of my great uncle in Beacon New York. A sad event indeed, however I always find great beauty and depth of the coming together of family in death. If you have the good fortune of having a large extended family-the challenge of saying goodbye to our loved ones is lightened- even if ever so slightly.  Yesterday I enjoyed spending time with cousins and uncles that I seldom have the pleasure of seeing.

When I saw one of my cousins, she had the most beautiful look of excitement combined with calm and I knew that something wonderful was brewing. My instinct was correct as she had become engaged the day prior and was riding on cloud nine. She used to babysit for my brothers and I when we were young and my parents would frequently take trips to Europe. At the time, she was in college and I was in grammar school.  I thought she was stunningly beautiful, incredibly smart, cultured and I loved listening to her tell me all about her college boyfriend or friends depending on the year.

This was by far one of the biggest treats that accompanied my parent's travels. Im the only girl in my family, so for me it was like having a really cool big sister.  I remember the very special bond that she had with my father which of course solidified my positive feelings about her. My loss of my father also impacted her on a very deep level and we often speak of the importance that he had in her life. 

During the course of time, I watched her get married, have two gorgeous children, a successful career, a close family yet a difficult divorce. She traversed the ugliness and challenge that accompany divorce and she came out on top- as anticipated.   She reinvented herself, her dreams and her life. Her children thrive and in fact, her daughter is an amazingly beautiful, well rounded, cultured girl who continually reminds me of her mother when she was in her twenties.  Her son is wonderfully kind, smart and handsome. They are all such a close and beautiful family.  She undoubtedly put her children and their well being continually  above her own. The relationship that she has with her children is one of great reference to me. She is a wonderful role-model for me and for all women who have struggled with an unraveling marriage.

I am in a similar situation as she once was. Im raising a boy and a girl alone and struggling with the fact that the dream of happily ever after and the perfect family unit is simply that- a dream. Thankfully, Im over the disappointment of a failed dream and I have crafted a very happy existence for myself and for Christopher and Giavanna as well. We are thriving, it has taken some time but we I believe we are there.

Im always happy to see her. Yesterday, I was even happier to see her as she had the most gorgeous smile on her face as she shared her happy news. She was in love and happy and she was engaged to a man that fulfilled her in every possible way. A man that stole her heart and her soul. A man that gave her faith that happily ever after- can exist. He has given her back the dream of having a life time partner and someone to share her life with. He has restored her plan for a future of true and absolute contentment.  He loves her children and they love him. Im so incredibly happy for her and for him as he is one of the luckiest men around. Not only does he have he an amazing woman by his side, she comes with baggage- Louis Vuitton Baggage in every respect. They are both very lucky people.

I joke around with many of my female relative- both young and old. Some are divorced and remarried, some are young and single, some have never married at all and some are happily married with 2. 5 children. We are united by blood and by sisterhood. Our experiences are all very different yet happiness is the goal of each of us. I love hearing their stories as well as their take on life, relationships and marriage.

My Aunt Edith and I always enjoy joking around and discussing relationships and marriage and the craziness of life. She has been married to a wonderful man since the beginning of time. It is obvious to those around she and Frank that their marriage is happy, fun, loving, warm, nurturing, committed and successful.
Who better to ask about the elements of what makes a marriage successful and able to stand the test of time. When I seek knowledge I go right to the source of success. She thought that two major elements of a very successful marriage are patience and tolerance. I will take that advice with me as I continue on in the very unlikely event that I will remarry. Most divorced women say that they will never remarry and then one day, they are thrown off guard and they take the plunge again.  The remarriages that I have witnessed in our family seem to be thriving.

 Perhaps one day I will think about remarriage however right now- I would rule it out. I have things under control, peaceful, positive and happy and Im not messing with that formula. xo

Tough Day

I have to let go this afternoon. I have to kiss my kids goodbye and put them on a plane with their father. They are going to California for nine days and Im happy for them. I know that they will be safe and happy but it is tough to let go of them after all these years. I have not spent more than three nights away from them - ever. I admit that this break is well-deserved. It is challenging to raise two children entirely alone with no real support system. I have sitters and friends that will help but the reality is that Im a single parent and I have sole custody of my two children and I thank God for that gift daily. No shuffling , no discussion about holidays and no back and forth on a weekly basis. We are all rooted and have successfully traversed the mines of the divorce battlefield.
This September I will be divorced for five years. It's amazing to me that I have been single much longer than I was married, no wonder Im so good at it.

 Im not sure that marriage is the right institution for me. I currently do not see any advantages to it other than a built in extra-hand. I have freedom to do as I please and to raise my children the manner in which I desire. My children have plenty of great, strong and intelligent male role models that are loving and kind so this is a positive aspect of our life. In no way am I suggesting that these men replace their father,  however I encourage each of my children to love and respect their father. I always speak highly of him and tell them the truth. He is a kind and successful, loving man but we were too different to succeed as a married couple.

 I don't have to explain much as our differences are glaringly obvious. My children are astute and they are also used to our situation. My ex moved to California when Christopher was five and Giavanna was barely three.  The life we have is the life that they  know and I thank God daily that they are doing wonderfully well. You truly do reap what you sow. I continually put my heart, soul and every energy I have into the well-being, success and happiness of my children. Im very proud of both of them for different reasons. My efforts have helped to create a stability and confidence within them and it's wonderful for me to observe.

I have already had my conversation with them about this trip to California. I made them promise me that they will call me twice a day. They must look out for each other- I emphasized the closeness of our family unit as a threesome and without me there- they must help each other. I suppose I like having control over the whereabouts of my kids. I don't take my eyes off of them so the thought of them on a plane or an amusement park without me is bothersome.

 I remind myself that I have to let go and trust that their father loves them as much as I do. While I know this, I also know that I watch my children like a hawk and that attention to every detail brings me comfort." Let go Michelle-it's time". These are the words that echo in my mind.
So, we have reached that point. It is time for me to step aside and let go.   My children are indeed old enough to travel with their father to California. They are old enough to shower alone and get dressed by themselves and make good decisions. Aside from the practical matters, the most important aspect to me is that they are mature enough to be away from home and that they are safe. They will be spending time with my ex husbands new wife. Yet another- extremely strange happening but we all have to adjust. We have to bend and twist and accept all of the challenges and transitions that life will surely provide to each and everyone of us.

Whether it is letting go of your children or your marriage or your parents- the time will come and you have to be able to do it. If you don't accept this- life will be a struggle and these events will be anxiety provoking as well as disturbing. Today, Im not without slight anxiety. While I will miss my children terribly- I know the importance of them taking this trip with their father. It is important for his relationship with them as well as mine. It will be good for them to step away from the comfort of our home. They will come back with a greater appreciation for their life and all that I do for them.

 I deserve some time alone. I am everyone's caretaker and I need a little mental clarity. I need to focus on my writing, my life and my friendships both old and new. I need to go into the city and take in all that has always inspired and delighted me. I need to get a massage and pamper myself and I need to indulge in my solitude. While nine days seems like a lifetime this morning- it won't be long before I put my servant outfit back on.... today- I will pass it on to someone else- with great pleasure.

If you see me alone- I might just need a hug however I have a feeling I will get used to this just as soon as Im out having cocktails with my girlfriends- perhaps- if they will indulge me- this evening. xo

Five Guys And A Girl

I had to laugh the other day as my friend decided that I have five men  (perhaps more ) around me that collectively add up to one husband. As I stopped laughing and started to think about it, I believe she is correct. While it sounds strange, I have found that I indeed have crafted a circle of men that each contribute to my life and well-being in a variety of ways. All of these men are my friends and Im only involved with one of them beyond friendship. So let's begin with him. I refuse to give names so we will just call him boyfriend- boyfriend is wonderfully intelligent, sweet and spends quality adult time with me going into the city, dining out or simply enjoying life together.  He is supportive and wonderful to my children in every respect.  Enough said there- you will need a boyfriend or a companion to fulfill your womanly desires and need for connection. This is the best male to start with so you can enjoy life a bit after the drama of the upheaval.

Today confirmed the fact that I clearly missed my calling in life. Giavanna often jokes that I should have a sign outside of my office that reads "The doctor is In". She loves Charlie Brown and I apparently remind her of Lucy- always giving advice as well as being asked for it. I suspect this naturally happens as Im a very friendly person who genuinely listens to the answer should I ask how someone is doing.  Prior to 7:45 this morning, I had already given marital advice to three people.  Two women and one man- same thing in common-unhappiness in their marriages. I know many couples that are incredibly frustrated with their spouses and the lack of excitement and enjoyment that comes from fighting all the time. An unhappy marriage is exhausting, irritating and sad, it always brings about many confusing thoughts. We marry with the intend of forever being happy and thrilled. It is unrealistic and not fair to think that the initial excitement of dating can survive for longer than the dating period.

Divorced Women Only

I have not written in two days and I truly miss it. People always told me that if you love what you do, it doesn't feel like work. I have finally arrived at that place in life. I never thought it would happen so Im thrilled.

Last week was incredibly busy and filled with difficulty as well as fun. The night after Joe's wake I was invited to my friend's birthday party. When I got home from the wake, the last thing on my mind was going to a party. I was emotionally spent and physically exhausted. I sat down for thirty minutes and then forced myself to change out of my dress and into jeans. I was going to a party- even if I didn't feel like. I promised my friend I would be there and Im a girl of my word.

Divorces and memories

I love getting rid of things. Since my house is on the market- I have been on a mission to minimize the "stuff" of my life. Endless boxes of clothing, toys, jewelry, shoes and books have been passed on to everyone from family, babysitters, friends to Dress for Success and Goodwill. I have always had a great love of fashion and this runs in my family. My closet is a mini-version of my Mother's- those of you who have seen it- know what Im talking about- for the rest of you- probably best if you did not....you may think I have enough to open a store front on Main Street in Westport.

People tell me to sell my clothes and pocketbooks and shoes- Im not into selling my belongings. I take great enjoyment out of giving away items that I don't like- or in most cases have not worn. Many things still have tags on them so Im not giving away tattered things. If I have a really great outfit- I would much rather pass it on to friends or family that I know will appreciate it. I have given an enormous amount to Erika who in turn sends it to Mexico. Her family is poor so luxury items are far and few- she loves nice things and I love to give her some of things that I have had the privledge of enjoying. Her daughters wear all of Giavanna's hand me downs and she sends me pictures of them in her outfits. So sweet and very fulfilling for me to know that I have helped someone.

In my basement exploration I have opened many a box which has distracted me from my mission. I recently found out a little book that I wrote to my ex husband. It stirred up many emotions- it was a tiny book that I had written to share the news of my pregnancy with him. I was happy to find it and opened it....it was written so that each page had two sentences on it and then had to be turned.

Copyright 2002
For My Daddy
Written by Christopher
Ghostwriter: Mommy

=
Dear Daddy- Since Mommy began taking her Grammar class, it has inspired her creativity and now I have to go along with her silly ideas like this one. Mommy made me write this little story so please listen closely as she reads it to you. So here is my little story and after pondering the title. I came up with the following:

La Dolci Vita
by Christopher Alexander Bravo Ibanez

My most vivid memory was in my Mommy's belly. I remember hearing music all the time. While she was showering, driving or cooking, there was always music playing. From Mozart to Disco to L.L. Cool J. it was more than obvious that my mother enjoyed music. I also recall her always cooking and you always saying that you loved eating. Food and music were a constant them. Then I was Born into this world and into your family. I observed with my own eyes the love of music, the love of food but what was most apparent to me was the love that was expressed between you and Mommy. I knew at that moment that my life would be sweet and happy because my parents were so full of love and happiness. I am so proud to have you as my Daddy and I can only express my thanks for all of the love that you bring to our family each day. It makes it nice to know that my future siblings will also be blessed with such loving parents. So let me be the one to tell you... are you ready for the exciting news? I hope so because my mommy is Pregnant- Congratulations Daddy- I love you so much and I can't wait to be a big brother

The End

Love
Christopher Alexander.....

SO this letter distracted me for the obvious reasons. I had written this only nine years ago and what a turn my life has taken. As I read and reflect back on words that were written- not that long ago- Im so amazed at the disconnect of emotion. How could such a profound letter about love and family and happiness end with a divorce. Clearly I did feel all of those things- I was content and viewed my husband and family in a very loving and favorable manner. I have moved on from my marriage so it took much energy to bring back the thought of a time when I could have written a letter filled with so much love.

I know that my marriage was filled with love and happiness for at least seven years. We were genuinely happy and we often spoke of our good fortune in many areas. Life affected our marriage- births, deaths- a difference in how we approach life. Laid back versus more More serious- all of these issues can kill the love and friendship in a marriage. I have to say that the breakdown of our marriage was due to many stressors - all very intense- on top of a real difference in shared coping skills. If you don't see life through the same lens- it can be overwhelmingly challenging and frustrating. A beautiful union can turn very bitter in a short period of time.

Im happy that my ex and I have maintained a friendship. I think we are both happy souls by nature and enjoy life so we lean towards the positive. Perhaps this is simply because we live on different coasts and we don't share the experience of parenting together. He calls daily and loves his children but the truth is- Im the one who does everything. As Christopher said when he was five- "you are the mom-dad". He said this as I was lugging ten -fifty pound bags of potassium chloride from my trunk to the water filtration system in the basement. Cute- but a noteworthy and accurate observation of a five year old boy watching his mother tend to all things. I am the mom-dad and Im very happy to manage both roles.

As we clear out the past to prepare for the future, we can not help but be taken aback by a day long ago when life was different. People die, relationships end and they also begin. The closed door always opens a bigger door. The opening may not appear right away but when it does, euphoria sets in and all is well again. Embrace change- even if it feels bad- know that it will pass and you truly will emerge stronger and more seasoned. Your character will be defined and the experience will simply be a short chapter in the book of your life.

I don't care how old you are- surprises and change are forever around the corner. Don't fear it as it truly does all work out in some fashion- and you will find peace if you are open to being positive - and as my Dad used to frequently say - "This too shall pass". Im here to tell you that indeed it will. xo

Mating ,Marriage and More....

I wanted to be an Anthropologist from the age of ten until the age of sixteen. I was attracted to exotic cultures and the ancient worlds that were so foreign to me. I dreamed of traveling to Egypt and the Middle East and often found myself imagining the excitement of discovering some ancient article that helped answer some of the questions that surrounds many ancient civilizations My father also had a love of Anthropology and told me that he would take me to the Egyptian pyramids and to Mexico to study the ancient Aztecs and Incas. I loved the thought of that and he encouraged my interest and attraction to different cultures. He encouraged my brothers and I to travel far and wide and wanted us to live- if only for a summer- in foreign countries.

I was a tomboy as a child, my brothers and I used to spend hours catching frogs and playing in our backyard which was connected to the trails of the Audubon. We caught strange toads and I had no problem picking up strange and slimy creatures. In fact, I loved it and there were few things that could tear me away from the streams and lily pads. It was a tomboys dream- nights were filled with softball games with my older brothers and swimming. Frogs and Softball- not many people believe this about me but my brothers can both testify that I was an active participant in both activities.

Then it happened, I turned into a girl and everything changed. I was the ultimate girly girl- what a surprise. While I still had a passion for exploration, the thought of digging in the dirt and wearing ugly clothes ruined my future of traveling to distant lands and sleeping on the floor in a tent. My dream of becoming a famous Anthropologist disappeared down the laundry shoot with my new Calvin Kleins.

Oh it was indeed a disappointment to my father, but he would have taken me to Egypt regardless if he were still alive. We shared the same Wanderlust and love of discovery. After my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he did not retreat but rather threw himself with vigor into life. He became very involved with a group of scientists who researched and explored mummies in different cultures. He was even on a National Geographic Show called The Mummy Roadshow.
He went to Italy with a team of doctors, scietists and researchers. They filmed the program in an old Church and determined the cause of death for several of the people who had died years ago. It was awesome and right up my alley. I believe that this experience was one of the absolute highlights of my Fathers life. If my Dad were alive today, Im quite sure that I would be able to twist his arm to take me somewhere ancient and exotic.
It saddens me that this dream has been forever crushed, I do however take great joy in knowing that my Father and I had so much in common.

I recently read a book by a brilliant Biological Anthropologist by the name of Helen Fisher. I find her take on men and women and relationships to be wonderfully fascinating. She actually divides men and women into four different behavioral categories. She breaks them down according to behavior and then explains why we are drawn to certain types. The four categories in which she explains are the following: Explorers, Directors, Builders and Negotiators.

Explorers are risk takers, they tend to be curious and creative. Builders are cautious, but not fearful, traditional and extremely loyal. Negotiators are broad minded, compassionate, intuitive and nurturing and Directors are very analytical, decisive and tough minded. These four types have been studied and she claims have emerged out of genetic literature as well as from a study done on 40,000 people. Fisher believes that Explorers are drawn to Explorers, Builders are drawn to Builders and Negotiators and Directors are drawn to each other. I find all of this so interesting.

The idea is that in order to facilitate effective communication, one must use the words that ring true to each different category of individual. I believe that this theory is extremely accurate and it doesn't take long to figure out which category you and your spouse fall under. She believes that particular brain chemical systems are related to certain aspects of personality. I have often said that how people interpret things is very much related to how the message is delivered. This confirms my sentiment on that subject.

When women are searching for a mate, it is obvious that they are drawn to good genes. We want our children to be intelligent, strong and hard working. No one knows the true answer to why people get restless in marriage. I can only speak for myself and if you ask me sometime- I will be happy to share it with you. Fisher has done research on divorce and her statistics have concluded that most marriages struggle in the fourth year. The seven year itch is truly a four year itch. Her research dates back to 1947 and covers approximately 62 countries. I have faith in her conclusion.

There is so much data on marriage and relationships. As well as a million different theories on what makes a relationship thrive. Is it a similar background, one that is rooted and secure. Or perhaps a combined desire to seek adventure, maybe a balance of all things different. I believe that if you truly take time to get to know a person, it won't be too difficult to understand what will encourage them to be open and honest or closed and secretive.

You can't be too sensitive as everyone is different. You might be a wonderfully open expressive person, yet you have fallen in love with a somber, quiet person. If that's who they were when you met them- either accept it or move on because even if you think your magical powers can change them- it is unlikely that you can undo years and years of a persons makeup.

However, if you can understand their communication style, you can change your delivery and approach and it will make all the difference. Instead of expecting a spouse to be just like you, cherish and appreciate their differences. Explore vario9us methods of communication. If you pay attention and have patience and a true desire to be with someone, you owe it to them to give them space and time. I think it takes years and seasons to truly understand the core interior of an individual.

If you have a chance, take a peak at "Why Him, Why Her? Helen Fisher is one of many reasons why I regret that I don't enjoy getting my shoes dirty. Maybe in my next life I too shall be a Biological Anthropologist. Until then however, pour me a glass of Chardonnay and I will read about her study of mankind in the sun on my back deck.