My Mr. Right

“The Best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. ”

A friend of mine who is in her twenties and lives across the world told me yesterday that she is still searching for Mr. Right.

 The thought of that brought me back to my own experience when I was in my twenties. I think I started feeling that way around the age of twenty five. As women, the pressure to find Mr. Right starts to hit many of with each uniquely decorated wedding invitation that arrives in our mailbox. 

There is a surge of weddings that tend to take place in your twenties. If you are spending time with someone that you are crazy about, the sounding alarms starts to become increasingly louder.

The fact that one’s relatives and older family friends feel the need to pile on to the “when is it your turn” conversation, surely does not help. Why do we need to rush one of the most important decisions in our life. How could it be that most people “find” the perfect spouse in their twenties. I think that’s nonsense and I truly believe that people marry the person they are with when they feel they are ready to marry.

 Yes, I know it sounds coarse but I do believe it to be true. “Mr. Right” could be right if he were “Mr. Ready”.

 If he isn’t ready good luck trying to convince him otherwise. In fact, I think that would be a very bad idea. Why would you want to get married if the other person were so reluctant. Trust the warning signs as I believe they are there from the very start.

So as I listen to my friend speak of her desire to find this “Mr. Right” I instinctively want to give her advice. The problem is that when we are in our early twenties, we think we have all the answers. We think that love will see us through the challenges. 

We are still programmed into believing that the Prince will appear and fix everything. Sometimes it happens, most often we are disappointed with the result. Life kicks in, children are born and the challenges of life take away from the romantic dream  that once fueled our belief. 

I miss those days, wondering who I would marry and the fantasy that would soon follow.

I now believe that none of us really know what the unfolding of life will be. Our “plan” may not go as we expected but there is nothing to do but embrace that reality. 

The anxiety of what will happen to us in our twenties is replaced with the comfort that  our strength and our will can guide us through the challenges of life. We no longer put our expectations on others to provide us with all of our happiness.

 Life will take care of us if we dare trust that it will and Mr. Right may go by a different title. xo

No More Lies

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple”- Oscar Wilde


 There are many songs written about honesty, many marriages broken up over dishonesty and many people who struggle with having an honesty conversation about their feelings. 

Im thankful that I am a direct person and truly am honest. I willingly deal with the repercussions of my words and feelings for the reward of having an open and free flowing personality. I encourage those around me to be blatantly honest. I will not judge nor make you feel stupid. In fact I will often not respond in any way until I feel that you have fully expressed yourself.  However, in any forum, I find that people are not one percent honest.

 We see this everyday when we ask people how they are doing- we often hear- Im great- things are great- everybody’s great and business is great- in fact better than ever. That’s the one that makes me smile on the inside.The entire country is in distress and yet your business is doing great.  

Business owners, realtors and other sales people are programmed to reply that their business is always thriving. We know that in many cases,  this is simply not the case.   Im not trying to be sarcastic,  Im just  tired of people stretching the truth.

Who are we trying to impress and why?  Are we that inherently unhappy or insecure that we have to make everyone believe that our life is great. What is wrong with the obvious- that life can be difficult and life presents everyone with challenges- at times. Does it make a person inferior if they are experiencing personal or financial difficulty. I think not.

The truth always comes out, it is simply a matter of time.  
 We all know when someone is trying to pull the wool over our eye and if we we chose to ignore it we are left often untrusting of others.  In time we learn just who we can rely on and who will ultimately fail us.

I can always tell when someone is lying to me. This is a gift as well as a curse but I have yet to be wrong. I have an innate sense when people are trying to hide the truth or are exaggerating. I can't explain it but I truly do know. 

If we are honest and upfront with each other than we are ultimately honest with ourselves. If we can’t be honest with those closest to us than we have to question who we are as individuals. Perhaps people are so insecure they are afraid they will lose those closest to them if they bared their souls

 I think relationships would be infinitely more successful if people were honest. As individuals it is essential to accept the truth in what people have to offer- particularly in relationships. Some hold on to others because they need their financial support, or out of fear that they will ultimately be alone- I see this all the time- others hold on to the false promises that change will take place.  

As Billy Joel says Honesty is such a lonely word- everyone is so untrue. How sad that he views the world as dishonest.

Today, I want you to be honest to everyone that you have a conversation with.  Don’t hide from exposing your inner self- you have nothing to lose as if you are not truthful- your identity has already been compromised.

 Those who love you will accept you with all of your shortcomings. They will accept you despite the fact that you are not perfect. They may even offer resolution to issues that you have kept to yourself. 

The only way to establish intimacy and true connection is by sharing your soul. You risk nothing and have the possibility to enrich your life and the lives of those you love simply by being true. xo

Suburban Adventure: Hello Prince Charming

Suburban Adventure: Hello Prince Charming: My Prince Charming   Where is my Prince Charming? I cringe when I hear this statement. I have friends that hold out faith that...

Photos and Love Lost

I couldn't sleep last night which is nothing new and probably has to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the process of going to sleep. I think too much and the quietness of the forest along with the darkness of the night creates the perfect environment for thought.

 Last night I was wrapped up in the thought of going back to court with my ex husband which I will be doing this Monday. While Im not looking forward to the process, it is simply time to reevaluate what is being brought or in fact not brought to the table. I do not enjoy conflict which is why I suppose I have waited for over two years, but the time seemed right and I am ready.  Im representing myself in court which is quite an experience. Im speaking on my own behalf and bringing to the table my knowledge of what I have been studying since I first filed for divorce five years ago.

Bye Bye Boston

Im convinced that I was put on this planet to experience every single challenge that life could possibly present to me. All the things that seem impossible to navigate through or take on seem to have come my way in the past seven years.

 If one told me ten years ago that I would be leaving my favorite city of Boston,  my apartment on the 25th     floor overlooking the Charles River and my vibrant lifestyle-  I would have laughed.

"Im never leaving this city"- I used to say.  My heart is here- I know the streets and the people and the business owners. I know the best places to go no matter the time or day.  I know that I can pretend that Im staying at the Ritz and swing in and use the bathroom on the second floor.  I know that it takes me 25 minutes to walk from my front door to Sonsie on Newbury Street. http://sonsieboston.com/flash/

 I know the seasons in the city, the smell of fall when the city is crowded with freshman faces walking around with anticipation and excitement of the school year. The peacefulness of the summer when there are so many Europeans in the city and the noise of kids has diminished. All of these aspects of Boston I know and love.

Relationships and Jealousy

  "A lot of people get so hung up on what they can't have that they don't think for a second about whether they really want it."

                                                              

The power of jealousy is immense.  We have all experienced the ugliness of this emotion whether it is bubbling up inside of us or we are a recipient of it.   Either way, it is powerful, unhealthy and often uncontrollable. Jealousy is synonymous with fear, the fear of loss and the fear of others obtaining more than we have. It stems from deep within and is often the result of something that has festered within silently yet with vigor.  Perhaps it is rooted in a place that is often unvisited as it may be too painful.

http://www.ehow.com/facts_5542353_negative-effects-jealousy.html

Life involves risk and the more we love, the more we risk.  We love with passion and intensity. Our displays of love are all action related therefore in love we naturally want to move forward. The dance of relationships can be mind numbing and difficult.

The messages that we are often bombarded with are "show your emotions", "express yourself", "speak up"--  combined with "don't let anyone truly know how you feel, "keep them guessing", "never let them see you sweat".    My mother always told me to never call a boy and to always speak up.

Is That You Prince Charming ?

Do women still believe that Prince Charming is out there somewhere waiting to fix their life and all that ails them. I cringe when I hear this statement. I have many friends that still hold out faith that their Prince Charming is on the way. Here we are- successful, well-educated, cultured, well-traveled adult women and yet I still hear it. Is it that ingrained into us as little girls that we can't let go of the fantasy.

Personally I let go of it once my marriage failed. In fact way way before that.  I actually do not recall wanting to be rescued… and rescued from what- my fun and exciting single life in Boston- dating handsome professional men- or perhaps my shopping sprees and dining out at wonderful restaurants…. you get my point. My life was full of everything that I needed, except the experience of actually being married and having children. Okay, check did that…. Now Im living in the woods alone with my two children.  My prince is remarried… oh no- they left that part out in the Cinderella story.  The part where the happily ever after turns into a story that has a twist on words and ends up being unhappy after all these years.

Who is Prince Charming?

www.wisegeek.com/who-is-prince-charming.htm

The fantasy that all woman are programmed to believe is just that- a fantasy.  I have yet to meet more than two woman who feel that their husbands would qualify for the title of night in shining armor.  Do they love them yes- Do they have nice relationships in which their children are thriving- in fact, yes most of them do.  Do they secretly pine for the fantasy that we woman were programmed to believe in- again an emphatic yes.
Is that message baked into our blood while we are still in our mothers wombs. When do we start having the idea that perhaps a man will come and save our day.

Having a daughter and feeling the way that I do.. I have already begun the process of drilling the idea into her head that she must be self-reliant. If she makes her own money and knows how to survive in this world without depending on that "prince"-  it simply gives her choices.
  Her success will not be determined by who she marries but rather by how hard she works and where she focuses her attention. She will be able to live where she wants and drive what she wants because she was not waiting for someone to provide her with those things. She will have freedom, then she can choose a man who will hopefully have a great deal in common with her.


Im hoping that she has already received the message of self-reliance even at this tender age.  If we can't take care of ourselves as adults, how will we ever have be able to make our own decisions about our own lives. We are all in search of the perfect lover. We want him to come and whisk us away, and tend to our heart, our souls and our bodies. We want him to treasure us, adore us and pamper us with all of the luxuries that life can offer. Then, we want him to provide for us, clean up after himself and tend to our children as well.  Where have all the princes gone? Was it a myth after all and sense it is… why o why are so many woman still holding out for him to arrive.

Ladies, the important thing to keep in mind is that there are plenty of wonderful, loving men out there. The role they play however should never be to save you. You must save yourself and create your own kingdom. Then you will attract someone with whom you can share your time, your life and your beauty with. You will not have unrealistic expectations that will only lead to disappointment. The wounds you carry must be healed within by your own hard work and attention.

Love, Marriage and Mothers

Someone please restore my faith in the idea that someone can be wonderfully, happily married to a person that they are madly in love with. However, you have to be married longer than five years in order to satisfy my confirmation.

A therapist once told me that the wonderful feeling of being in love lasts exactly 18 months. After that the relationship turns into something else. Boo- it's the something else that I don't like. Personally I  love the feeling of being in love with someone. I love that giddy feeling of not being able to fall asleep because you are so excited. I enjoy the planning and anticipation of what the future will hold. I imagine all the places we will travel and picture this person interacting with my friends and family.  Im thrilled when I feel so completely peaceful, loved and excited.

Then POW… 18 months later…. it turns into something else. The amazing aspects of your new lover are compounded by the disappointment of the illusion of perfection. Darn it !!  Alice was indeed correct- Im not even sure those feelings of falling in love last 18 months… I personally think it might be just short of a year.
All kidding aside, Im mature enough to know that you can't feel all goofy and excited all the time with the reality of our busy lives. There are too many stressors with family, the stock market, health issues, parents etc… to live in such a fantasy world. So, perhaps the idea of being madly in love is a myth. Or perhaps Im just jaded as Im divorced and it seems to me that I meet more people who are disenchanted with their marriages. I love meeting happily married people. I wish it would happen more often.

Where is my motivation to get remarried. I can name eight extremely happy married couples and after that.. I come up short. My Mother has many friends that are happily married but Im speaking about those from 35 to 50.

My cousin, who is in her twenties told me that some of her friends were starting to get married and it brought back memories. I can remember when I was 27 and some of my friends were starting to get married. It was an exciting time and I can recall thinking that I too should start thinking about it.  I met my ex at the end of my 27th year and we were married at 29.  I had Christopher when I was 31 and then Giavanna at 34. My timeline worked out beautifully however my marriage did not.  The divorce was not part of the plan or even a thought when I was 29.

I remember my Mother discussing our relationship with my ex.  He had driven to CT to ask my father for my hand. I recall my father dialing me up the night before and asking me if this is what I truly desired. I told him it was indeed.   The next day, my father took my ex to our country club and they had "the discussion" about me, marriage and our desires.
My father in his lighthearted friendly manner suggested that he better now go discuss his plan with my mother… Very funny.  My ex did not realize that my Mother would be the tougher one. She is small in stature and on the pensive side. She is not boisterous or overly outgoing but she is stern.  Her upbringing was strict and the line of questioning, extremely direct.  Oh, I guess I forgot to warn him that he had to discuss this with Beverly afterwards.  It was very amusing as he did not anticipate my Mother being so aggressive in her questions. It was great material for his radio show and it all became a great topic for all of Boston and the surrounding suburbs.  Everyone heard about it!

Commitment phobic

It seems to me that the tables have turned. Women it seems, are more commitment phobic than ever before. I was reading an article in Women's health that covered this very topic and I found it to be of great interest. Apparently in a survey conducted by Match. com, men are more anxious to have children, spend their free time with a spouse and have children.  Men apparently crave together time.  All of this does not come as a surprise to me.

In our society men are perceived as being less eager to commit. I have never found this to be the case and in fact the men the men that  I have befriended, dated or had relationships with have all been rather interested in spending most of their time with me.  In regard to marriage, I have yet to meet a man who never wants to get married and have children.  I think it's a misconception and I have cracked the code gentleman. 

Last night

I woke up this morning in Giavanna's bed. While I find that extremely endearing - Im quite sure it is riddled with many layers of pychological meanning. She has my bedroom set that I used throughout my childhood and I loved it. My father used to read to me everynight and put me to sleep.  My mother of course maintained the furniture in  meticulous condition so when I gave it to Giavanna two years ago I was thrilled to have it in her room.

I had a wonderful day yesterday as I had two great friends over for lunch. We luxuriated in great cheeses, olives and other delightful appetizers. We were also enjoying mojitos- perhaps too much but what are good friends for if not to delight in the pleasures of life with. It was a very enjoyable day followed by a an even enjoyable evening.
I ended up falling asleep on my sofa and woke up at 2:00 am.

When I awoke I decided to go upstairs and I walked into my bedroom. I didn't want to get into my bed, I then walked into Christopher's room and looked at his bed-my cat Donatella was sleeping on his bed per usual.  I then proceeded to walk into my guest bedroom which is a peaceful oasis complete with brown zebra stripped bedding. It's an exotic yet extremely comfortable and calm room. I walked out and wasn't quite sure what I was looking for until I walked into Giavanna's room. Ah... that's what I want- my childhood bed. I quickly climbed into her bed and slept ever so peacefully. Im starring in my own Golilocks And The Three Bears story. Instead of porridge however, Im searching for the best bottle of Chardonnay.

As I reflect back on my choice for sleeping last night, I find it many things. First I think it is cute. Clearly I miss my children and the nighttime ritual that I have with Giavanna. We do pillow talk everynight and she likes to use my cell phone to text her father goodnight. It's fun and I love her enthusiasm. We giggle and talk about funny things as well as things that may bother her during the course of the day. Christopher and I have also have a serious chat prior to bedtime. We discuss the day and give thanks for all that we have.
Darn it- I miss those bunnies. Im happy to have this down time as Im extremely productive but the time that I spend with my children is irreplaceable.

I had plans tonight that I did not follow through with. I wanted to hop on a train and meet up with some friends in New York City but changed my mind and stayed home.  Time away from children is essential as it makes you appreciate all the goodness that permeates from their soul. While it is often challenging to tend to the constant demands of young people- the gift that they provide in return is the most valuable. It costs nothing and yet fills your soul with a contentment and peace that is irreplaceable.

Christopher and Giavanna- get back home. I miss your laughter which feeds my spirit and I love you with all of my heart and soul. xo

Five Guys And A Girl

I had to laugh the other day as my friend decided that I have five men  (perhaps more ) around me that collectively add up to one husband. As I stopped laughing and started to think about it, I believe she is correct. While it sounds strange, I have found that I indeed have crafted a circle of men that each contribute to my life and well-being in a variety of ways. All of these men are my friends and Im only involved with one of them beyond friendship. So let's begin with him. I refuse to give names so we will just call him boyfriend- boyfriend is wonderfully intelligent, sweet and spends quality adult time with me going into the city, dining out or simply enjoying life together.  He is supportive and wonderful to my children in every respect.  Enough said there- you will need a boyfriend or a companion to fulfill your womanly desires and need for connection. This is the best male to start with so you can enjoy life a bit after the drama of the upheaval.

Today confirmed the fact that I clearly missed my calling in life. Giavanna often jokes that I should have a sign outside of my office that reads "The doctor is In". She loves Charlie Brown and I apparently remind her of Lucy- always giving advice as well as being asked for it. I suspect this naturally happens as Im a very friendly person who genuinely listens to the answer should I ask how someone is doing.  Prior to 7:45 this morning, I had already given marital advice to three people.  Two women and one man- same thing in common-unhappiness in their marriages. I know many couples that are incredibly frustrated with their spouses and the lack of excitement and enjoyment that comes from fighting all the time. An unhappy marriage is exhausting, irritating and sad, it always brings about many confusing thoughts. We marry with the intend of forever being happy and thrilled. It is unrealistic and not fair to think that the initial excitement of dating can survive for longer than the dating period.

A Letter To My Readers xo

Good Morning-- It's been a world wind for me this past week. Im so excited that Suburban Adventure will be a regular feature in all of the Mainstreet connect online publications. http://www.mainstreetconnect.us/management-team . This growing and successful online creation is read all over Fairfield County and Westchester and growing.
Suburban Adventure will  be read by over one million readers. I have also been offered several freelance positions and have made  new friends with people all over the world
 I have opened my heart and soul with each one of you. I trust that in some way, my openness may help you with some of the difficult aspects that we are all burdened with at one point or another. Whether you live in the US or a million miles away- the one thing that binds us as human beings is our need to be loved and our grief when we mourn the losses in our lives
 Here is a kind letter that I received. It was extremely meaningful and I left out the last few lines as I wanted to respect his privacy in regard to his address.


 I will gladly answer any letter that I receive and offer whatever guidance that I have personally used to traverse the difficulties of my personal life. Thank you for allowing me to open my heart to you. It has been a pleasure and I find the connections that I have made with you unbelievably satisfying. Thank you for your friendship and may you find strength in your soul to accept difficulty with confidence. 


I look forward to hearing from you. xo xo- Please feel free to email me at ciaobravobravo@gmail.com


Dear Michelle, 

Please don't mention that; pleasure is all mine for connecting to you - someone who got full control of a challenging life rather than surrendering to it as most of us would do! Hats down to your courage and determination and I'm I'll learn alot from you. 

Yes, I live in Pakistan in Karachi - largest harbor city and commercial hub. Pakistan's a beautiful country with hospitable people but unfortunately currently under lot of unrest due to fight against terrorism and its aftereffects; all this surely has a negative pschological impact on hundred millions of people like me who want to live a peaceful, happy life. I very much doubt that you'd ever visited Pakistan; maybe I can invite you once conditions go back to normal here :o) 

I'd never been to US though I've a US professional qualificaiton (through distant learning) and am also working in a US organization here. Its a huge organization so our regional hub is in Dubai which leaves minimal opportunities for us to travel to US. 

I wish I could learn the habit of calming myself down as you mentioned. You'll agree that stress is something which mostly originates from within us and if external conditions are also voilent and ugly (see any day's internet edition of any of our newspapers, for example), it increases the intensity and chances of keeping your cool are really thin. 

Do put me on your mailing list. We can actually talk though have to watch huge time zone difference..

It's A Heartache

Last night my favorite babysitter came over and I could tell instantly that something was not right. She is a happy, outgoing and very pleasant high school girl who lives nearby. My children love her and Im happy to have someone who is so wonderful with them. As I was preparing dinner for Giavanna I noticed her eyes tearing up and then she confided in me. Her boyfriend of two years broke up with her last month. She was crushed and heartbroken and she misses him. She told me she is terribly hurt and misses her best friend.

I immediately shuffled her into my office and sat her down on my old leather sofa that is wonderfully cracked and  timeless. It had been in my fathers office for years so it is riddled with wonderful memories. but his desk  I have a large bookshelf in my office that tells the story of my journey in life. Books on everything relevant to my life experience - from parenting, cooking, relationships, motherhood, pregnancy, divorce, death, buying a home, the stock market, losing a parent, bibles, every Internet for dummies possible, poetry, opera, evolution, mythology, classics such as The Grapes of Wrath and Moby Dick, my father's Medical journals and the list goes on.

Friends and Fun !

My summer truly has been about friendship and simplicity. I have been in such a relaxed mood that there are days where I don't even bother straightening my hair. For those who know me, this is a big deal. I usually blow dry and flat iron and put a little Morrocan Oil in and Im good to go. Lately I have been going au natural and Giavanna is digging my curly wild hair. Im assuming this is because she despises the brushing process, and she is starting to look like Bob Marley's daughter. I printed out a photo of Bob to show her what her hair is going to look like by the start of school and she laughed.

My next move will be to print it out and tape it to her mirror. I too disliked getting my hair brushed as a little girl so I get where she is coming from. My Mom gets a kick out of the similarity- after she reprimands me for not brushing every tangle out of her hair. Perfectionism runs in my family and my Mother is patient enough to apply that to every area of life. Patience is not my strong suit except if Im waiting for my Vineyard Vines Pocketbook to get marked down. Anyhow...

Divorces and memories

I love getting rid of things. Since my house is on the market- I have been on a mission to minimize the "stuff" of my life. Endless boxes of clothing, toys, jewelry, shoes and books have been passed on to everyone from family, babysitters, friends to Dress for Success and Goodwill. I have always had a great love of fashion and this runs in my family. My closet is a mini-version of my Mother's- those of you who have seen it- know what Im talking about- for the rest of you- probably best if you did not....you may think I have enough to open a store front on Main Street in Westport.

People tell me to sell my clothes and pocketbooks and shoes- Im not into selling my belongings. I take great enjoyment out of giving away items that I don't like- or in most cases have not worn. Many things still have tags on them so Im not giving away tattered things. If I have a really great outfit- I would much rather pass it on to friends or family that I know will appreciate it. I have given an enormous amount to Erika who in turn sends it to Mexico. Her family is poor so luxury items are far and few- she loves nice things and I love to give her some of things that I have had the privledge of enjoying. Her daughters wear all of Giavanna's hand me downs and she sends me pictures of them in her outfits. So sweet and very fulfilling for me to know that I have helped someone.

In my basement exploration I have opened many a box which has distracted me from my mission. I recently found out a little book that I wrote to my ex husband. It stirred up many emotions- it was a tiny book that I had written to share the news of my pregnancy with him. I was happy to find it and opened it....it was written so that each page had two sentences on it and then had to be turned.

Copyright 2002
For My Daddy
Written by Christopher
Ghostwriter: Mommy

=
Dear Daddy- Since Mommy began taking her Grammar class, it has inspired her creativity and now I have to go along with her silly ideas like this one. Mommy made me write this little story so please listen closely as she reads it to you. So here is my little story and after pondering the title. I came up with the following:

La Dolci Vita
by Christopher Alexander Bravo Ibanez

My most vivid memory was in my Mommy's belly. I remember hearing music all the time. While she was showering, driving or cooking, there was always music playing. From Mozart to Disco to L.L. Cool J. it was more than obvious that my mother enjoyed music. I also recall her always cooking and you always saying that you loved eating. Food and music were a constant them. Then I was Born into this world and into your family. I observed with my own eyes the love of music, the love of food but what was most apparent to me was the love that was expressed between you and Mommy. I knew at that moment that my life would be sweet and happy because my parents were so full of love and happiness. I am so proud to have you as my Daddy and I can only express my thanks for all of the love that you bring to our family each day. It makes it nice to know that my future siblings will also be blessed with such loving parents. So let me be the one to tell you... are you ready for the exciting news? I hope so because my mommy is Pregnant- Congratulations Daddy- I love you so much and I can't wait to be a big brother

The End

Love
Christopher Alexander.....

SO this letter distracted me for the obvious reasons. I had written this only nine years ago and what a turn my life has taken. As I read and reflect back on words that were written- not that long ago- Im so amazed at the disconnect of emotion. How could such a profound letter about love and family and happiness end with a divorce. Clearly I did feel all of those things- I was content and viewed my husband and family in a very loving and favorable manner. I have moved on from my marriage so it took much energy to bring back the thought of a time when I could have written a letter filled with so much love.

I know that my marriage was filled with love and happiness for at least seven years. We were genuinely happy and we often spoke of our good fortune in many areas. Life affected our marriage- births, deaths- a difference in how we approach life. Laid back versus more More serious- all of these issues can kill the love and friendship in a marriage. I have to say that the breakdown of our marriage was due to many stressors - all very intense- on top of a real difference in shared coping skills. If you don't see life through the same lens- it can be overwhelmingly challenging and frustrating. A beautiful union can turn very bitter in a short period of time.

Im happy that my ex and I have maintained a friendship. I think we are both happy souls by nature and enjoy life so we lean towards the positive. Perhaps this is simply because we live on different coasts and we don't share the experience of parenting together. He calls daily and loves his children but the truth is- Im the one who does everything. As Christopher said when he was five- "you are the mom-dad". He said this as I was lugging ten -fifty pound bags of potassium chloride from my trunk to the water filtration system in the basement. Cute- but a noteworthy and accurate observation of a five year old boy watching his mother tend to all things. I am the mom-dad and Im very happy to manage both roles.

As we clear out the past to prepare for the future, we can not help but be taken aback by a day long ago when life was different. People die, relationships end and they also begin. The closed door always opens a bigger door. The opening may not appear right away but when it does, euphoria sets in and all is well again. Embrace change- even if it feels bad- know that it will pass and you truly will emerge stronger and more seasoned. Your character will be defined and the experience will simply be a short chapter in the book of your life.

I don't care how old you are- surprises and change are forever around the corner. Don't fear it as it truly does all work out in some fashion- and you will find peace if you are open to being positive - and as my Dad used to frequently say - "This too shall pass". Im here to tell you that indeed it will. xo

The Sexuality issue.....

Giavanna turned eight last month so I scheduled her for her annual check up and we went yesterday. She had a great exam however I was a bit perplexed when the nurse looked into her eyes and said "it won't be long before all the girls are getting their periods"- Wait did she just say that to Giavanna. Thankfully it meant nothing to Giavanna as I have not had that conversation yet. She just turned eight- did I miss the mark on this one. I thought having a girl and the "conversation" would be simple, but when was it suppposed to happen. Im confused.

I just had the "talk" with Christopher early this year. We handled it very nicely and in a mature and scientific manner. It was actually rather simple and we have a wonderfully candid relationship which contributed to the ease of the topic. Giavanna- I was going to wait a year or so- what was this nurse thinking... Eight is too young in my mind to truly be emotionally mature enough to listen without fear. Im not ready for this- no preparation or heads up I thought loudlyl Please, wait don't start with that topic as it will take three minutes into our drive home before I get one thousand and nine questions. Giavanna does not miss a beat, she hears everything and truly absorbs all around here so I didn't think that I stood a chance.
She must not have heard the nurse as she did not say a word and continued to request that I "turn the station" which meant that all was well in our world.

Our society bombards us with all things sexual. Our children are exposed at every possible level and frequency. Im not a prude but I find it bothersome and extremely inappropriate and unhelpful to our society.
They can not listen to music, shop or simply walk down a city street without hearing or seeing sexual content . The other day we were in Manhattan and the kids were entranced by a store that simply appeared to sell t-shirts and other tourist trappings.... they were laughing at the baubleheads and as my eye shifted to the shelf above- there they were... fifty or so figurines of Buddha looking figures demonstrating every possible sexual position that one could imagine.

Christopher gazed at them and quickly said... OH gosh- how inappropriate as he kept the girls moving... very cute and humorous in fact but the combination of baubleheads and amazing sexual acts, not good.

As parents we have a very large challenge in regard to our children. We want to protect them as well as inform them. I think the best approach to be is extremely open with discussion at an early age. You have to talk about body parts and sexuality so that it is not so uncomfortable that you have to depend on educators to teach your children. While I believe sexual education in the school systems is great- I think it is of great importance to start the conversation at home.

The more open your discussion can be about sexuality, the more comfortable they will be in discussing issues that they may struggle with going forward. it is come from their parents. Sexuality in our Society used to be a bit milder and the ease of never discussing sex with your parents was a non-issue. The Times dictate a new method and you have to get out of your comfort zone. I would never ever ever discuss sex with my mother.

She attempted to have the birth control discussion with me when I was 23. "Im all set Mom, don't worry about it but thank you" was the end of the conversation. Very amusing nonetheless....
I held in my thoughts about the fact that this conversation perhaps should have happened earlier but was also happy that it never happened. Too awkward- she was raised in strict formality so I suspect it would have been a very rigid conversation. No thank you !

I respect the fact that my mother is of a different generation. She did not have the experiences that I have had. She moved from her parents home to college and then married my father. Big difference-I moved to Boston to go to college- came home for one summer freshman year and then that was it. I never moved home again. I lived with friends and then alone in a city for 12 years prior to getting married. How can our situations and experiences be even remotely similar.

The intimate conversations that can occur between Mother and Daughter did not happen with us. We had and continue to have a wonderful relationship but the discussion of sexuality is not where we bond.

In fact, my father was much more at ease giving me advice and words of wisdom in this area. It was slightly uncomfortable but not terribly as the manner in which he did it was creative. He always presented advice as if he were sharing a secret that was of the brotherhood, like he was giving me a little glimpse into the mind of the male species.

Well done Dad- I was never embarrassed and his advice was accurate. I just wish that I could remember the little parable that he told me before I went off to college. It had to do with a family of wolves and the jist of it was to not trust the upperclassmen boys- their intentions may not be sincere. Really- they seemed sincere to me as I say with a smile on my face.

My dad was grinning as he pulled up to my dorm in Boston and out stormed a herd of male upperclassman. They were all ready to help us with the move in. My father was cool like that, he just had a big grin on his face and laughed. He knew that I had good judgement so I think his protective nature subsided. In fact, I always found it interesting how much freedom my parents gave us in our youth. They truly did not hover and while we had to be educated, cultured and well-traveled- they really were very laid back about curfews and dating. I guess they did not want to be as strict as their parents had been with them so we benefitted from that. We were also good kids so they trusted our decisions.

This morning I watched Glee, my kids want to watch this show and in fact- one of the fifth grade classes voted it their favorite show. I was thinking that perhaps I was being too strict so I took a look at an episode this morning. I still wouldn't let my kids watch it yet. Too much - too soon- they have the rest of their lives to be exposed, indulge and make their own decisions. However right now- Im running the show and Im more strict than my parents ever were... I already told them that Im on to everything they do. They don't stand a chance with me.xo

Criticism- just say no

I recently read a very interesting piece of writing by author, W. Livingston Larned. I was in my parents house when I came across a book of short stories. I had the opportunity to relax a little bit this weekend so we headed to my Mother's pool and indulged. I began to read one of the stories called "Father Forgets". I found it simply yet the message was strong and meaningful.

We all raise our children differently. Some of us are more stringent with our expectations while others take a more laid back approach. "Father Forgets" recounts the sentiments of a father who is self-reflecting about the manner in which he reprimands his young son. This reflection comes in the night after his child is sleeping. Each day the father continually harps on the boy, telling him how and where and what to do. He yells at him for making a mess and not eating right and buttering his bread in the wrong manner.

His son is loving and affectionate, yet his father is not and continually harps on him finding fault in all that he does. From School to playtime, there is not a moment in which he does not see his son without a critical and judgmental eye. The father is unrelenting in his criticism until one night he is filled with guilt. He is overcome with emotion as he has pondered the continual mistreatment of his son and he is riddled with remorse. His own emotion renders distress and a sickening sense that festers inside of him must be released. He goes to his sons room and shares his soul with him.

The father comes to the conclusion that he has been treating his son as if he were a grown man. He had expectations that a little boy could not possibly live up to. He has been unfair and he was filled with sadness. He promised that going forward he would "bite his tongue when impatient words come." It is a meaningful two minute read that is packed with a great message. When I put down the book, I entered self reflection mode immediately and began to think of my approach to parenting.

As the sole custodian of my children, it is of extreme importance to me that my children are well-behaved, intelligent, well-rounded, compassionate, friendly, descent and grounded.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not direct, instruct or advise one or both of my children. I try to expose them to different cultures and encourage them to see how others live.

They know that they are fortunate and they have also learned that if they want to live with the finer things in life in a beautiful area, they will need to shine and work extremely hard. I try very hard not to criticize my children. I will happily reprimand them when they need it and correct them if I see their manners not appropriate but I do it in a very loving manner. Im mindful and approach child-rearing with great thought. On occasion we all get angry but if you get in the practice of being mindful of your words before speaking you can craft the outcome in a manner that will be far more beneficial to your child.

I teach Christopher and Giavanna with real example, and expose them to the truth. I take every opportunity to expand their knowledge well beyond the perimeters of my beautiful yet homogenized community. They have a great perception of people and behavioral patterns which Im very happy about. The trust that they have given me to guide them is 100 percent and Im blessed with kids that I don't have to scream at too often.

People are emotional and sensitive even if they don't appear to be. Be careful of your biting words as they will do more harm than good. I think Behjamin Franklin had it right. When asked what the secret of his success was he replied, "I will speak ill of no man,"... and speak all the good I know of everybody." Enough said......

Mating ,Marriage and More....

I wanted to be an Anthropologist from the age of ten until the age of sixteen. I was attracted to exotic cultures and the ancient worlds that were so foreign to me. I dreamed of traveling to Egypt and the Middle East and often found myself imagining the excitement of discovering some ancient article that helped answer some of the questions that surrounds many ancient civilizations My father also had a love of Anthropology and told me that he would take me to the Egyptian pyramids and to Mexico to study the ancient Aztecs and Incas. I loved the thought of that and he encouraged my interest and attraction to different cultures. He encouraged my brothers and I to travel far and wide and wanted us to live- if only for a summer- in foreign countries.

I was a tomboy as a child, my brothers and I used to spend hours catching frogs and playing in our backyard which was connected to the trails of the Audubon. We caught strange toads and I had no problem picking up strange and slimy creatures. In fact, I loved it and there were few things that could tear me away from the streams and lily pads. It was a tomboys dream- nights were filled with softball games with my older brothers and swimming. Frogs and Softball- not many people believe this about me but my brothers can both testify that I was an active participant in both activities.

Then it happened, I turned into a girl and everything changed. I was the ultimate girly girl- what a surprise. While I still had a passion for exploration, the thought of digging in the dirt and wearing ugly clothes ruined my future of traveling to distant lands and sleeping on the floor in a tent. My dream of becoming a famous Anthropologist disappeared down the laundry shoot with my new Calvin Kleins.

Oh it was indeed a disappointment to my father, but he would have taken me to Egypt regardless if he were still alive. We shared the same Wanderlust and love of discovery. After my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he did not retreat but rather threw himself with vigor into life. He became very involved with a group of scientists who researched and explored mummies in different cultures. He was even on a National Geographic Show called The Mummy Roadshow.
He went to Italy with a team of doctors, scietists and researchers. They filmed the program in an old Church and determined the cause of death for several of the people who had died years ago. It was awesome and right up my alley. I believe that this experience was one of the absolute highlights of my Fathers life. If my Dad were alive today, Im quite sure that I would be able to twist his arm to take me somewhere ancient and exotic.
It saddens me that this dream has been forever crushed, I do however take great joy in knowing that my Father and I had so much in common.

I recently read a book by a brilliant Biological Anthropologist by the name of Helen Fisher. I find her take on men and women and relationships to be wonderfully fascinating. She actually divides men and women into four different behavioral categories. She breaks them down according to behavior and then explains why we are drawn to certain types. The four categories in which she explains are the following: Explorers, Directors, Builders and Negotiators.

Explorers are risk takers, they tend to be curious and creative. Builders are cautious, but not fearful, traditional and extremely loyal. Negotiators are broad minded, compassionate, intuitive and nurturing and Directors are very analytical, decisive and tough minded. These four types have been studied and she claims have emerged out of genetic literature as well as from a study done on 40,000 people. Fisher believes that Explorers are drawn to Explorers, Builders are drawn to Builders and Negotiators and Directors are drawn to each other. I find all of this so interesting.

The idea is that in order to facilitate effective communication, one must use the words that ring true to each different category of individual. I believe that this theory is extremely accurate and it doesn't take long to figure out which category you and your spouse fall under. She believes that particular brain chemical systems are related to certain aspects of personality. I have often said that how people interpret things is very much related to how the message is delivered. This confirms my sentiment on that subject.

When women are searching for a mate, it is obvious that they are drawn to good genes. We want our children to be intelligent, strong and hard working. No one knows the true answer to why people get restless in marriage. I can only speak for myself and if you ask me sometime- I will be happy to share it with you. Fisher has done research on divorce and her statistics have concluded that most marriages struggle in the fourth year. The seven year itch is truly a four year itch. Her research dates back to 1947 and covers approximately 62 countries. I have faith in her conclusion.

There is so much data on marriage and relationships. As well as a million different theories on what makes a relationship thrive. Is it a similar background, one that is rooted and secure. Or perhaps a combined desire to seek adventure, maybe a balance of all things different. I believe that if you truly take time to get to know a person, it won't be too difficult to understand what will encourage them to be open and honest or closed and secretive.

You can't be too sensitive as everyone is different. You might be a wonderfully open expressive person, yet you have fallen in love with a somber, quiet person. If that's who they were when you met them- either accept it or move on because even if you think your magical powers can change them- it is unlikely that you can undo years and years of a persons makeup.

However, if you can understand their communication style, you can change your delivery and approach and it will make all the difference. Instead of expecting a spouse to be just like you, cherish and appreciate their differences. Explore vario9us methods of communication. If you pay attention and have patience and a true desire to be with someone, you owe it to them to give them space and time. I think it takes years and seasons to truly understand the core interior of an individual.

If you have a chance, take a peak at "Why Him, Why Her? Helen Fisher is one of many reasons why I regret that I don't enjoy getting my shoes dirty. Maybe in my next life I too shall be a Biological Anthropologist. Until then however, pour me a glass of Chardonnay and I will read about her study of mankind in the sun on my back deck.