Lovers Talk

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” 

“That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending – performing. You get to love your pretence. It’s true, we’re locked in an image, an act – and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks.

 They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” —Jim Morrison

To know me is to comprehend the depth and quality of the connections that I have with others. I do not wear a mask and feel that the ease of connection that I have with people is the result of confidence and my ability to immediately put others at ease. 

Why is it so difficult to communicate with your spouse. Why are you afraid to tell him what you need, or what bothers you. If you share your days and your nights with someone, does that not give you the right to be honest in your expression.

Why do men and women not share what they really want out of a relationship. Is it out of fear that it won’t be provided, or perhaps they fear rejection. It serves no good purpose.

 The  mask that you wear only deters you from getting all that you desire.  In time, if you are not honest to your spouse, you are only doing a disservice to yourself and your soul. 

We have an obligation to others and yet if we do not honor our own voice, we will be left with nothing to give. The time to remove your mask is right now.

Give validity to your voice, your innermost desires and listen to those around you. The message is there if you want to hear it. xo

Women and Freedom

Happy Fourth of July

We are so incredibly blessed to have the good fortune of living in the United States. We have freedom, the right to do as we please and the gift to say whatever we want. I appreciate and acknowledge this good fortune daily. I share my appreciate with my children and expect the same gratitude from them. I speak of other countries and the difficulties that people endure. I show them women in the middle east who can not even show their face let alone speak freely. I can't fathom the thought of being covered up like that. However, if my eyes were showing I think I could manage to get some things done in my favor. I don't want to ever find out.

I was in Turkey ten years ago and I remember being fascinated by the women who filled the busy streets. They were covered in head to toe in black and they walked in little groups. In the Blue Mosque, forget about showing any leg, no skin exposed is a strict rule. This was a bigger problem for my former husband as he was wearing shorts that he had to convert into a long skirt.

He looked very comical with the blue sheet that he was required to wear to enter the mosque. They have strict rules and he certainly wasn't going to argue. I love Turkey, the people and the beauty of the country, but I was in a foreign land. I would love to take Christopher and Giavanna there. The people of Turkey are the warmest people that I have ever met. So gracious and incredibly friendly. I have many Middle Eastern friends and one day wish for the opportunity to travel there one day.

Last week in the Times,there was an article about three women who wee arrested for driving a car in Saudi Arabia. In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, car must be driven by a man. Ladies, can you imagine not having the freedom to jump in your car and take off. This is a basic freedom that we enjoy and often complain about.. Shlepping our kids everywhere- sounds like a drag until you can't do it. How does that society function- Do the women just stay home and the men take care of everything. What do they fear- well actually I know what they fear. A woman with intelligence, good looks and freedom can indeed be a threat to many males. The more educated women are the more chance that there voice will be heard. In the US, more women attend college than men. Our culture is so incredibly different thankfully. In many countries, women have no rights and are incredibly abused. I cringe as I think of my sisters around the world who have no freedom. I think how angry I would be and how difficult it would be to raise a daughter knowing that her fate would be the same as mine.

I remember a scene in the second Sex and The City movie. The girls went on vacation to a Middle Eastern country and Samantha got into trouble for her promiscuity. She dropped a package of condoms and men wanted to arrest her. It was comical as the women who helped the girls get away exchanged black uniforms for hip city clothes. The middle eastern women were in heaven. It was a wonderful example of sisterhood. This goes way beyond clothing although I have to say, not having the freedom of expression in how you present yourself would be tortuous. Im still haunted by my navy blue jumper and saddle shoes that I had to wear for High School at my all girls school. It's taken me twenty years to enjoy navy. We were Prisoners of The Sisters of Mercy.

As you enjoy your family and fireworks and decide which sparkly shoes would match your tank top, think of your sisters around the world. In other countries choice would not be an option. You might be enjoying family but you would have never left your home and the sparkly shoes would only be a dream. Thank God we live in the USA. Thank God we can raise our daughters to be doctors, lawyers, real estate developers or whatever they choose. It is a gift of circumstance.

You could have been born in a country in which you have no voice, no choice and no sense of self. No driving, no shopping, no freedom and a sense that you have to be covered up because you are existing in a culture of insecure men who actually fear your power and intellect.
They fear your voice because it is the strength of your voice that will make change happen. They fear your body because they know your beauty will attract competition. They fear your mind because your intellect and determination will overpower them. I pray for women around the world and hope that one day they will have a voice and the freedom to live with vigor and gusto and hope.

Before you complain, be mindful of all that you are blessed with simply by being born in this country. God Bless The USA... Happy Fourth of July xo

The Truth

OMG- As my children would exclaim- I can not access my facebook account. My link to the outside world has been temporarily disconnected. I don't like this feeling- isolation and confirmation that Im alone in the forest. Im exaggerating but truth be told- I want my facebook to be up and running. I have grown fond of hearing about everyone's trial and tribulations. I love the fact that I have established relationships with people, solidified old friendships and have had the opportunity to have close friendships with relatives that I seldom see and in some cases, do not know that well. I have to admit it- I love facebook and I think it is an amazing tool for several reasons. I love the fact that some of my oldest relatives are on it. How wonderful that facebook can improve the lives of everyone. If you aren't careful it can also be extremely destructive, dangerous and your worst nightmare. Learn the proper use of it, don't post things that you don't want to haunt you, learn how to remove posts from your wall, learn how to make your wall inaccessible and don't post naked pictures of yourself- and all should be fine. At some point I will share a friends experience with you that was negative but not on a Friday.

Today, we need to rejoice. It is a gorgeous day before a fun and laid back holiday. I have been reading alot as I have been outdoors with my kids by the pool which has been very pleasant. I looked at my library and selected a book that I read awhile back called Misconceptions- Truth, Lies and the Unexpected Journey of Motherhood. Naomi Wolf is one of my favorite authors. I love her topics and the manner in which she explores them. I had to read her work in college as a sociology- anthropology student so I have retained many of her books.

"Being pregnant and giving birth are like crossing a narrow bridge. People can accompany you to the bridge. They can greet you on the other side. But you walk that bridge alone

- African Proverb

No one tells you the truth about giving birth and the difficulty of being a mother. For some strange reason, it is not shared. As a female- if anyone asked me to share my experience being pregnant, giving birth and becoming a mother- I would happily share all of it.

My experience was extremely different with each child. My pregnancy with Christopher was beautiful and I was thrilled. I was sick indeed however emotionally I was riding high. I had a fabulous doctor and was going to give birth at one of the most prestigious institutions in the country- Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. My ex and I were beyond giddy with excitement and my pregnancy became a big topic on air for him and was reported in the Boston papers. He was a local celebrity so I became part of that mix. I didn't love that part but it came with the territory and I accepted my role gracefully. The labor was a nightmare as I had to be induced- I was in labor for 48 hours and then gave birth to Christopher

Why in the world didn't anyone tell me about the surprise ending. Okay, I read about the delivery of the placenta but good god. I need not say more- if you have given birth you know what Im talking about and if you haven't you can email me directly for detail. It was all in all amazing and a very positive and meaningful experience.

Two plus years later I became pregnant with Giavanna. Two months into my pregnancy I felt emotionally terrible. I had never in my life had the feelings that I had at that period in my life. Im a very happy upbeat and energetic person. I lost all of that and felt no emotion. I only gained 11 pounds and didn't buy a stitch of girly stuff despite the fact that I knew the sex of the baby. I was not excited- I was anxious and uncomfortable and I knew that something was very wrong. I sought help first from my obstetrician who shrugged it off and told me to go shopping. I tried to tell my ex husband but he did not have the ability to relate to my emotions. I even went to a psychiatrist who kicked his feet up and wanted to know every single detail of my sex life. I think he had more on his mind than my bad mood. It always amazed me that men continued to be attracted to me even while I was pregnant. I think pregnancy must give them the visual of sex or something. If anyone could explain that to me- I would love to hear from you as I still find it odd.

The bottom line was that despite my efforts, no one helped me. I wanted to reach out to my parents as I know that they would have however, my parents were dealing with my father's terminal illness and my depression- anxiety paled in comparison. I did not want to add more stress to their lives. I decided to wait and I also tried to do research and internalized my struggle. My lack of enthusiasm and increasing anxiety became worse with time.

The actual birth of Giavanna was simple however the mental aspect was horrific. I was disappointed with the obstetrician as he was non-caring and arrogant. To this day I feel strong feelings of dislike toward him. I know that as he was sitting near me in a restaurant the other night and I wanted to strangle him. I was depressed and anxious for a year and a half needlessly. In the end it was my Father who recognized the change in me and was on a mission to get me back on track.
In four short months I was back to normal. I spend a large chunk of time feeling horrific.
If you have not experienced this before than there is no possibility that you can relate. If you have then you will confirm the absolute horror of the overwhelming difficulty of not feeling well mentally. I have often said that I would rather have a limb cut off than suffer with depression. I do not hesitate in saying that. It is that bad.

Im happy to say that this period of time was relatively short but it was a long time to suffer. I live in a community that is rich with resources and intelligent people. I sought help- no one bothered helping me. They passed it off as me needed to go shopping... how absurd.

The book Im reading brought the memory of this to the forefront. So many women are affected by the changes that come about with pregnancy, child birth and child rearing. I rarely hear the difficulty except when Im sitting quietly one on one with some of my closest friends. I hear the frustrations and challenges of losing a grip of who they are because all they do is serve their husbands and children.

In having children, they have given up a large part of who they were as individuals. They have alot of work to do to rediscover who they are. There are days when we don't remember because we are tending to the precious needs of little ones. This work is largely fulfilling but we have given up freedom and the ability to truly thrive and explore all of the options that were once something to be considered. I love being a Mother and I would not change a thing. I recognize that this is a period of time in my life that is not about me being the priority. I have always put the well-being and happiness of my children before mine. I tend to my needs and make time for my personal enjoyment of life. I do not lose sight of my interests and incorporate my interests in our daily life. I will conclude with a writing by a woman who was experiencing depression as a new mother. Read it and don't neglect the woman that you were before you became pregnant. The one bursting with excitement and possibility. She's still there- she just has more on her plate. Celebrate her and keep her alive- in time your children will fly away and you will be left with her. Nurture her so when the time comes- she will be confident to soar.

"I am so irritable. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. I am nauseated. I feel so nervous. I feel so guilty. I feel so ugly. I feel like a failure. I have no interest in sex or other normal activities. I cry all the time. I can't get going. I feel so worried. I can't stop eating. I have scary thoughts. I feel so alone. I feel so ashamed. I feel so tired. I can't do anything."

Most of these feelings have at some point been shared by new mothers and by me
except for the sex part... just kidding- sort of.